Is Your Teen Addicted to Gaming?

It's bad enough that you rarely see your teen but when he is home he spends his time staring at the computer playing interactive games. What should a parent do? Do you limit his time on the computer or ban interactive games altogether? How do you know when a simple game is becoming a problem?

Teens need alone time. Their life is changing at a rapid and stressful rate and they absolutely need down time do do nothing at all. But the amount of downtime they need is minimal - perhaps an hour a day depending on the teen. Gaming may be your teens way of getting down time.

If gaming is becoming a habitual way to avoid interacting with others or if it is beginning to prevent your teen from taking care of other responsibilities then perhaps it is time to talk to him about the role gaming is playing in his life.

Remember to ask him how gaming makes him feel and to listen rather than lecture or dictate new rules. The latter will invoke defensiveness and your teen will turn a deaf ear. But if you discover what your teen is turning his back on via gaming, it is possible to develop a dialogue about some of life's demands that are causing him to feel overwhelmed. Take this opportunity to learn about your teen and to see the gaming as a symptom rather than an enemy.

Overcoming Despair, and Holiday Blues

Depression is different than feelings of despair in that it may last longer and/or is more intense than despair. However, treating despair and treating depression have some similarities.

Despair often results from a faulty interpretation of an experience. For instance when something goes wrong you tell yourself that the situation is hopeless or that the situation is beyond repair. The fastest way out of despair is to redefine the situation. Instead of allowing your negative thoughts to dictate your feelings, train yourself to define the situation in a way that does not include exaggerated language. You might say to yourself "OK, this is bad, but it's not the end of the world."

Despair, no matter how intense, will not last forever. All feelings have a way of fading with time. Think back to another time when you felt like the world would end and realize that, in fact, it didn't. It may be difficult, but you will get through this too.

If you have feelings of despair following this advice may be just the medicine you need to get you back on track.

Smile: It sounds silly, but studies have shown that even a fake smile produces "feel good" chemicals (endorphins) in your brain. Go find a mirror and force yourself to smile for at least five minutes. If you’re not laughing by then, go outside and smile at strangers. It may sound strange, but it works. Do it.

Exercise: A good swift walk around the block or 15 minutes of aerobics will stimulate your brains’ "feel good" chemicals alleviating your negative mood. Work in the garden, vigorously clean the house or just go for a 20 minute walk every day, the difference will surprise you.

Keep a journal: Recent research has shown that writing about your despair doesn’t alleviate it. However, making daily lists of those things for which you are grateful can make a dramatic difference in your mood. Every day write down three things that you are grateful for, then write down one thing that you like about yourself.

Do a good deed: It sounds simple but it is a very important part of dealing with despair and depression. Studies confirm that when you step outside of yourself, and spend time helping others, you begin to leave your own issues behind; negativity is soon replaced with happiness and self pity is replaced with the uplifting feelings that come with helping others. Start small, bring cookies to a friend or take your teenager to lunch.

Caffeine can cause despair to worsen. Reduce or delete caffeine from your diet. And last but not least, make room in your day for 20 minutes of sunshine. It sounds simple but decades of research have proven that doing these two things will make a marked difference in your ability to cope with despair.

You are ultimately in control of your emotions and your life. The choices you make today will determine your tomorrow.

Teens, Voting and our Hope for the Future

How often do you hear people say they don’t want to be told what to do? Young people often rebel against conforming to rules and regulations. I have had some of them come to me and say that they are fed up with being told, “You have to do this,” and “You have to do that.” They say they want to decide for themselves and do what they want to do. My response is that they are free to do exactly what they choose to do (as long as it does not infringe upon the rights of others), but there are certain consequences which follow all our actions, and our teens must be prepared to take those consequences.

If we disobey the speed limit it is our own fault if we get a ticket. If we are dishonest, it is our choice that has caused us to pay stiff consequences. If we are violent the law of the land is bound to make us pay for disobeying the laws of civility.

Many people skirt their obligation to vote. They use a variety of excuses to rationalize why they don’t vote. Some say it is because courts select jurors from registered voters, and they don’t want to serve on jury duty. Some say that they are too busy to vote. Still others say they don’t vote because one vote won’t matter at all. There are also those Americans who do not vote, because they simply are not concerned about doing so. I say, if you don’t take part in the choice, you have no right to complain about the outcome.

What does this have to do with raising teens? Well it won't be long before the course our country is left in their hands. And it is up to us as parents to raise our children to have a healthy respect for our country and an understanding of how important their participation in the voting process is.

It is the responsibility of parents to teach their children the importance of understanding their role in choosing their leaders, laws and taxable obligations. Of course the best way to get this lesson across is to be a proactive role model. Talk about laws and elections at the dinner table. Let them know how you felt about your choices on voting day. Help them understand the importance of electing honest, ethical and moral leaders who will lead the people rather that seek personal glory or gain. Our future depends on it.

Symptoms of Mental Illness in Teens

Many mental illness' begin to emerge late in the teen years. Too often parents and teachers miss the symptoms and explain them away as typical teenage eccentricities. Because early detection is essential to preventing your teen from spiraling out of control I am listing signs and symptoms that you need to be aware of which may indicate an evolving mental illness.


* overly angry much of the time,
* cries a lot or overreacts to things; ·
* feels worthless or guilty;
* is anxious or worried more than other young people;
* experiences grief for several months after a loss or death;
* has unexplained fears or more fears than most kids;
* overly concerned about physical problems or appearance;
* feels uncomfortable in his/her own skin;
* suddenly begins to change clothes many times a day;
* believes that others are out to get him/her:
* begins behaving eccentrically;
* frightened that his or her mind is controlled or is out of control.

Experiences unexplained changes in life functioning:

* declining grades;
* extreme feelings of grandiosity;
* extreme mood changes
* inappropriate expression of emotions (i.e. laughing when sad)
* loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities;
* changes in sleeping or eating habits;
* avoids friends or family;
* difficulty getting things done;
* feels life is too hard or talks of suicide or death;
* hears voices that cannot be explained.

Is limited by:

* poor concentration; difficulty making decisions;
* inability to be still or focus attention;
* worries about being harmed, hurting others, or about doing something "bad";
* the need to wash, clean things, or perform certain routines many times a day or in a particular way;
* racing thoughts;
* persistent nightmares.

Behaves in ways that could cause harm:

* uses alcohol or other drugs;
* sexually inappropriate behavior toward self or others;
* eats large amounts of food and then forces vomiting, abuses laxatives, or takes enemas to avoid weight-'gain;
* continues to diet or exercise obsessively although bone-thin;.
* hurts other people, destroys property, or breaks the law;
* does things that can be life threatening - erratic driving, cutting, defies authority.

Your Teens Weight & the Road to Better Health

Teens model what they have learned from their parents. This time of year many teens are watching their parents talk about, worry about and do something about their weight. Unfortunately, focusing on weight in a family can negatively affect your child.

Children in a home where one or both parents focus on their weight and frequently go on and off of diets, learn that their physical appearance is more important than their talents, their worth as a person and their value to society.

The number one place that teens turn for advice about their weight is their parents. If the advice they get is filled with criticism, contempt for their weight or negativity about their looks the teen will internalize this negativity and begin to confuse their body image with their self image.

Parents can best support their teens desire to loose weight by focusing on a healthy family food plan rather than focusing on restricting the child's intake. Healthy eating is far more important to your child's long-term health than is their current weight. If the family prepares and appreciates healthy foods and an active lifestyle the teen will learn to control their weight as a side effect rather than as a family project.

Remember: It is the parent who buys the food that comes into the house. The teen can't eat what isn't there. Sure they can eat whatever they choose when not at home, but the majority of a child's intake comes from meals prepared at home - especially if the family has committed to sharing meals together on a daily basis.

Help your child become healthy and fit by taking responsibility for what your family eats, how much time you spend together and by refusing to allow negativity and criticism be a part of your interactions with one another.

Teenagers - The Spice of Family Life

I love teenagers. My children's teenage years were some of my favorite. Perhaps that is because deep sown inside of me there is still a hint of rebellion, imaginative fantasy and moments of unexplainable moodiness. Sure there were moments of anguish and intense stress, but overall, having a house full of teens is just plain fun.

So when I hear people warning young parents about their upcoming decades of agony once their kids hit their teen years, I want to intervene. I want to tell parents to relax and to look forward to their children discovering their talents, experiencing puppy love and growing into adults.

I want to tell them to stay close, but not too close; to savor spending time just talking with -not at- them. And I want to remind them that if they work hard at forming strong, loving bonds with their children while young, that the job of parenting them once they become teenagers will be so much easier.

So instead of worrying about those teen years, just focus on creating and maintaining a strong, close family now. The strength of your family ties can make the difference between loving or dreading those teen years.

Teens and Holiday Plans

Has your normally bubbly, playful and affectionate child turned into a mumbling, withdrawn and secretive teenager? Does s/he now hide behind headphones blasting rock music into the deepest recesses of their brain? Does your teen communicate only by cell phone or online? Finding yourself a parent of a teen can feel like a rude awakening - especially when you are planning a family trip for the holidays.

Here are a few tips for successful holiday planning with teenagers:

* Include your teen in the decision-making process you may be pleasantly surprised at the maturity of their opinions.
* Make sure there are plenty of options and activities to keep your teen interested and entertained.
* Never expect anyone older than 10 to eat at the "kids table.".
* Teenagers want to be as relaxed and as undisciplined as the adults. Allow them the freedom to sleep in, stay up late, play hours of video games or to just listen to their tunes - this is supposed to be their holiday too.
* If all else fails, give them some money and take them to the mall to do holiday shopping. Of course I don't recommend allowing them to run amok unsupervised unless they are in the latter half of their teen years - and then they should be providing their own money.
* Let them eat what they like. This is no time for nagging about good health and nutrition.
* Never ask your teen how they liked the trip unless you are prepared to hear about what they didn't like. Let them be honest without taking offense.
* Let go of control. The point of having family get-togethers is supposed to be to enjoy each other's company, relax, and to create happy family memories. Don't mess it all up by attempting to hold onto rules with an iron fist.

Take solace in knowing that soon it will be January and they will be back in school - having not done their homework.

Gay, Straight or Promiscuous - Who Can You Love?

I was flipping through the channels late one night when I came across a talk show that peeked my interest. A 16 year old girl who's mother had abandoned her at age nine was telling her mother how the pain of being left behind had been a factor in her early drug use and promiscuity. She even had the courage to tell her mother how she had turned to prostitution at age 13 to support her drug habit.

Through all of this her mother (who had had several affairs while married to her daughter's father) held the teens' hand and professed her love and support. She even intimated that she would not abandon her again.

At the suggestion of the host the girl told her mother that she presently had a girlfriend. She explained that after years of being abused by men, "it just felt more natural."

Her mother dropped her daughters' hand as if the girl had declared herself a leper. Her middle aged face hardened and she recoiled. The daughter, desperate for her mother's love and approval quickly stated that the two had just been going out and that they hadn't actually "done anything yet."

The mother's face softened a bit, and then she turned to the host and said "I just can't accept her with this. It isn't right, it is against my beliefs." I sat their on my couch analyzing the situation. Of course I was struck with the conditional requirements of the mother's love and the irony of her hypocrisy. My heart bled for this young girl.

But on a deeper level I understood that the girls' confession to her mother was more a tactic than an attempt to "come clean." She had been abandoned and forgotten for years. Although her mother professed her commitment to remain in her life, this time, she had not yet obtained the daughter's trust. What the teen really wanted to know is just how far she could push against the grain before her mother recanted. And unfortunately, or not, she found that boundary.

Our teens need our pure, unconditional love and support regardless of their lifestyle. They need to know that we will always be there for them. They need to be able to trust that our love for them is not dependent on what they do, but on who they are - our precious child.

Teens, Technology & Titillating Temptations

Some parents just don't want to be bothered with what their teenager is doing behind their back. But for those of us who want to know just how responsible our teen is behind the wheel or who wish they had a way of tracking their teen the future is upon us.

According to an article on Slashdot A Japanese firm has created new technology that enables GPS units to be embedded in clothing that will enable the wearer to be tracked continuously, even by video or on mobile devices. A mom could track her teens activities from her cell phone or from her computer at work.

If that isn't enough, most parents these days have heard of the devices that can keep a log of how fast their teen is driving, but if that isn't enough, check out the newest models at youthdrivingsafe.org that not only tell you their speed but will enable you to remotely turn off the car engine, flash the lights and honk the horn, get instant notification if your teen goes somewhere you have made off limits and find their exact location.

In the world of high tech toys and titillating teen temptations, parents are well advised to keep up with the age of technology and be willing to use whatever means necessary to keep their teen safe.

Monkey See, Monkey Do - Parenting by Example

No parent is perfect. And largely due to that fact, no child is perfect either. Several years ago I had a family as clients. They initially sent their teenage son to me to be fixed. After only a few sessions it was apparent to me that the parents needed help as well. They agreed and we started couple counseling in addition to individual therapy for their son.

After about 3 months of intense counseling, the father dangled a metaphoric carrot in front of his son "to tempt him" and to "see if he had been cured by therapy."

After discovering that his son had indeed given in to temptation the father called me, and in a rage he rationalized his desire to disown his son because of his "deceptive behavior and his obvious willingness to disregard what he had been told in therapy." The father was not only sabotaging his son's grown and progress, but he was expecting more out of his son than he was expecting from himself.

This may sound like an extreme case but I see less obvious examples like this in most of the families that I counsel. Parents tell their children not to steal and then they taste the grapes at the grocery store, fudge on their taxes and bring home office supplies from work. They punish their teen for lying then turn around and lie about their age or falsify a resume. They ground their teen for getting a speeding ticket and yet they rarely stick to the speed limit themselves.

Our kids learn the majority of their life lessons at home. And through the example of the parent the child learns what the family values really are. If the parent gives little respect to the sanctity of marriage the child is likely to grow up believing that marriage is a burden or even unnecessary. If the parent gets physical when angry, the child is likely to internalize violence as a coping skill.

As parents we need to become acutely aware of how we live our life. Because like it or not, everything from the language we use to the behaviors we rationalize are being absorbed and internalized by our children. We need to live the life we want our children to emulate.

Goth, Piercings and Other Teen Fashions

Teens, as cool as they try to be, are very self conscious. Fitting in while attempting to be unique and individual is a very tough tightrope to walk. Ask a teen why she suddenly began to dress all in black, dye her hair orange or pierce her lip and she will likely tell you that she is just being herself. Then you look at her group of friends and see that they all look alike and you wonder.

Here is the basic truth. Teens are so completely focused on themselves that they believe that the rest of the world is focused on them as well. They haven't yet figured out that their peers are also intensely focused on themselves and not them. Consequently they have to devise coping mechanisms to help them survive their perceived scrutiny from the world.

One of the ways they deal with being the center of the world is to attempt to take control of the situation themselves. Subconsciously they figure, "If everyone is going to stare at me anyway I might as well give them something to stare at." By doing this they can tell themselves that people are looking at them because of their fashion sense, and this helps them to discard fears that people look at them because there is something wrong them.

Not all teens take this approach. Generally teens that feel secure about who they are are less likely to feel the need to control the world around them. Teens who have a happy home-life, who don't feel overly controlled by their parents are less likely to act out in extreme ways.

Virginia Tech Murder Suicide can Trigger Copy-Cat Behavior

Teenagers can be both impressionable and impetuous. And a troubled teenager can be sent over the edge after witnessing news reports about a terrible tragedy such as the mass murder and suicide that occurred Monday at Virginia Tech. It is therefore imperative that every parent of a teenager be especially attentive to their teens' mood and habits for the next several weeks.

What worries me is that the intense coverage of this horrible event will give some mentally challenged teen the rational to commit a copy-cat suicide. For everyone who reads this, who knows a teenager who has had a history of suicide, depression or other emotional difficulties, please stay close to your teen and don't be too slow to arrange help for him, especially if he seems affected by the murder-suicide in Virginia this week.

Here are some signs to watch for:

If you see any of these danger signs, call a doctor, mental health clinic or suicide hotline immediately:

1. Pacing,
2. agitated behavior,
3. frequent mood changes,
4. sleeplessness for several nights.
5. Actions or threats of assault, physical harm or violence.
6. Delusions or hallucinations, such as hearing voices.
7. Threats or talk of death or suicide, such as "I don’t care any more," or "You won’t need to worry about me much longer."
8. Withdrawal from activities and relationships.
9. Putting affairs in order, such as saying good-bye to friends, giving away prized possessions or writing a will.
10. A sudden brightening of mood after a period of being depressed.
11. Unusually risky behavior, such as buying or handling a gun or driving recklessly.

For more on suicide, depression and other mental disorders go to psych-net.com

Mentally Ill Teens & You

According to the Health Behavior News Service "New research suggests that Americans are more likely to socially reject children and teens with mental illness than they are those with physical illnesses such as asthma."

Without naming the mental illness' the poll asked people if they would want a kid with certain symptoms to live next door to them; or if they would want their child going over to the ill kid's house for the evening.

The results were hardly surprising. Only parents with kids of their own who were suffering with mental illness' such as ADHD or Depression had any empathy for other kids with mental health issues.

Realistically taking a poll can't give us an accurate view of how people react to troubled kids. Of course in a perfect world all of our neighbors would be perfect, regardless of how "crazy" we might be. But in the real world, nearly everyone has a neighbor or two who is suffering with mental illness, and the only ones who are negatively effected is the person who is ill and their closest family and friends.

Truth is, most of the "trouble" caused by kids is caused by those who are not mentally ill. Most juvenile delinquency in America is caused by kids who were parentally neglected, emotionally and psychologically scarred by their life's difficulties and those who have been seriously misguided or abused.

Before we throw our teenage neighbors under the bus, let's first educate ourselves about mental illness and learn how we can have empathy for those who are effected by it. Even better, find a way to help your mentally ill neighbors by befriending and helping them. Love and friendship is ultimately the best medicine for the lonely and forlorn.

Teen Violence - A Parenting Dilema

Three female teens from a public school in Long Island have been under investigation for battery and harassment due to videotaping themselves while beating up a 13 year old girl from a private school. The case came into the spotlight when the video was made public on You-Tube and 2 other public video sites. The girls reportedly had words “about a boy” earlier on My Space which led the 3 older teens to plan an attack on the younger teen.

Scenes like this have become all too common in today’s technological era. But are videophones and the internet to blame? Hardly.

Today on Larry King Live, 4 professionals were interviewed regarding the issue and all agreed that the parents of the 3 teens need to take some responsibility for the violent and criminal actions of their daughters. Most of today’s teens have access to cell phones and the internet but only a certain percentage of them use these devices to commit crimes.

Gone are the fantasies of the 80’s which touted that a parent can be just as effective from the office as from home. Studies are repeatedly showing that kids who are raised by two working parents are far more likely to engage in criminal behaviors than those who have at least one parent who stays at home to raise them.

Too often parents believe that they can go back to work once their child hits the teen years. Not so. Teens are especially vulnerable to depression, feelings of abandonment and anger, and they need the frequent interaction and assurance of a stay-at-home parent to help them feel secure in their confusing and insecure world.

If your teen is acting out, it is a clear sign that s/he is angry. And it takes a responsible parent to be able to understand what role they may be playing in their child’s anger. Healing the feelings of your child may require changes in your family’s lifestyle, but in the end it will be worth every effort.

Photo Source: http://www.boston.com

----------------
Now playing: Dr. Laura Show
via FoxyTunes

Teens and Consequences - How to Make Parenting Easier

My teen knows what the consequence will be for bad behavior...
	always
	rarely
	for most things
	never
pollcode.com

The effectiveness of your house rules can be greatly increased if both you and your teen know, without a doubt, what the consequences will be for every infraction.

The best way to make sure that everyone knows what the consequences will be is to routinely have family meetings to reiterate the rules and the consequences for breaking those rules. That way your teen understands that when they choose to break a rule they are also choosing a particular consequence.

Another way to ensure that the teen chooses not to break rules is to include them in deciding what the consequences will be. If they are the ones who suggested what the consequences should be they won’t be able to argue with you about not being “fair.”

Studies have shown that the consequences they choose are almost always stiffer than what the parent would have chosen. So when they suggest a consequence it may win you bonus points to point that out and to settle on something appropriate but not quite as punishing.

Also, help guide them to think of consequences that are related to the infraction so that they will understand that you aren’t just trying to “punish” them, but that you are attempting to help them learn a healthy life lesson. Why not take steps to make parenting less difficult? Try it, you’ll like it!

----------------
Now playing: KXNT
via FoxyTunes

Troubled Teens and How to Make Life Easier

It is difficult for parents to keep up with all of the changes our children are going through. By the time they reach puberty, teens are going through a vast array of changes at an accelerated rate. If parents are to be effective, they must attempt to keep up with the changes in several ways.

1. Be aware of the need to readjust old rules, to better fit maturing teens. Young teens are acutely aware of the inadequacies in their parent's rules. When your teen reaches puberty, it is a good time to sit down with them and discuss the changes they are going through. Together you can decide what their new rules (and the consequences to breaking those rules) should be. Enlisting the teen in making these decisions will ultimately lead to better cooperation by them in adhering to the rules and standards of the parent. Kids need to know exactly what the consequence for breaking the rule will be. This way when they choose to break a rule, they know that they also choose the consequence. This makes it much easier for the parent to enforce the consequence without argument. It is also extremely important that the parent enforce those consequences 100% of the time. If there is inconsistency, the rules become meaningless.

2. Reassess your expectations of the teen; old ones and new ones. Old expectations may be impractical and/or demeaning for the teen, while new expectations placed on growing teens may exceed their developmental level, and may result in frustration to both parent and teens. It may be too much to expect a 13 year old to be responsible for their younger siblings, the housework and homework everyday while the parent is at work. On the other hand, expecting that the young teens only responsibility around the house is to keep his/her room clean may not be realistic either. When the expectations are equal to the teens ability to achieve, the stage is set for developing self confidence and for taking pride in responsibility.

3. Begin allowing your teen to experience life according to his/her own dictates. This doesn't mean that you need to let them run around without boundaries or rules. It means that you begin to enable the teen to make decisions for themselves at a rate that is equal to his/her level of development. If we have taught our children how to govern themselves when they are small, they will be able to govern themselves as they grow to adulthood. That doesn't mean they will always choose to do things the way YOU hope they will. It does mean that they will be able to develop self confidence in their ability to choose their own path in life. For instance, upon entering high school I wanted my oldest son to take a typing class. I knew the class was no longer mandatory but I felt it was a very important skill for him to have. He did not want to take the class at all. After perusing his choices he decided to take a keyboarding class instead. He is now a computer engineer and typewriters are obsolete.

4. Sometimes teens will choose contrary to what we want them to do. Unless this involves something illegal, or something harmful to themselves or others, we need to allow them to make, and learn from, their own mistakes. Learning from mistakes provides opportunities they must have if they are to develop confidence in their ability to make right choices. If we set out to protect them from every mistake, we prevent them from learning how to depend on themselves. Each time they choose a path that ends in disaster, they have the opportunity to learn from their mistake, to learn how NOT to do things the next time. Perhaps they will even learn that you were right after all. Although they may not admit it until they are 30 or so.

5. Allow the child to separate from you, and begin to individuate. It is difficult for parents to accept that their child is no longer as affectionate or attentive as they once were. This separation is normal, and should be a respected phase in the teens development. Be there for them. Don't condemn them for pulling away. And let them know that you respect their need for privacy. When they were little, they needed us for everything. We diapered them, fed them and nurtured them when they were sad. Now they are on their way to independent living as adults and we need to help them on that journey. Every time a parent seeks to get emotional comfort from a child, the parent is hindering the separation process and preventing the child from continuing on his/her journey towards a healthy adulthood. So give them a pat on the back instead of a bear hug once in a while.

6. Teens need boundaries, especially young teens. This time of their life is emotionally, physically and environmentally unstable. Although they may tell us to "Back Off" and suspend the rules, they are actually in a state of mind that craves consistent and rational rules. They need to have something in their life that feels secure, that they can depend on while they go through the ups and downs of adolescence. After the two of you have decided on a set of boundaries and expectations, the parent's role is to be firm (but not roboticly stiff) with them. The child needs to be assured that the parent will keep the boundaries in tact, but is also willing to consider "special circumstances" for an occasional exception. These exceptions need to be discussed and decided upon together so that the teen realizes that it is not an impulsive reaction of the parent. The parent needs to be seen as someone who is firm with the rules but not unwilling to bend. However, consequences need to be firm and delivered without exception.

----------------
Now playing: KXNT
via FoxyTunes

Teens and Discipline

IN THE NEWS-->

DECEMBER 5--A South Carolina boy, 12, was arrested Sunday morning after his mother called police to report that he had unwrapped a Christmas present without her permission. The police charged the juvenile with petty larceny. The boy's mother, 27, said that she hoped his arrest would serve as a corrective to disorderly behavior at school and home.

EDMOND, Okla. - Tasha Henderson got tired of her 14-year-old daughter's poor grades, her chronic lateness to class and her talking back to her teachers, so she decided to teach the girl a lesson. She made Coretha stand at a busy Oklahoma City intersection Nov. 4 with a cardboard sign that read: "I don't do my homework and I act up in school, so my parents are preparing me for my future. Will work for food."

Each generation seems to have spawned a few new parenting styles that seem new, innovative or just plain different than previous generations. Sometimes these unusual parenting styles make the news because they create controversy and debate. Recently I read about a minority of parents who believe that children themselves should be allowed to make all of their own decisions including weather or not they go to school, what they eat, when they sleep. These parents believe that by raising their children with no punishment and no rules that they are raising "free thinkers." Twenty years from now the research done on the outcome of such parenting will be interesting to say the least.

Parents make decisions about how to raise their children everyday. Even refusing to make a decision is in fact making a decision, because either way the child is reared in a particular style that is created in the home. One thing that has been researched and reported on since the beginning of time is the fact that children, teens especially, learn more by their parent's examples than from their words.

For instance, in the 80's it was common to hear young adults claim that instead of raising children in a particular religion, they were going refrain from teaching any religious theme, and instead, let the child choose for themselves. It was nice sounding rhetoric for people who didn't want to commit themselves to religious beliefs, but it didn't do what they claimed it would. Instead, children who were raised with no religious training grew up to believe that they had no need for it. So instead of "choosing for themselves," they chose as they were shown - "nothing."

Our children learn how to live by what we show them, what we infer to them and what they sense from us. Taking no disciplinary stand at all will result in children who are undisciplined. Over reacting and over protecting our children will produce teens who are so eager to make their own way that they explode into the world unprepared and often, rebellious. Parenting through guilt techniques creates weak minded children who grow to become un-driven adults. Parenting through violent techniques will produce children/adults who are violent minded, who learn to turn off their feelings and who may become sociopathic, unable to feel empathy for others.

So the debate roles on. We can criticize others for the ways they discipline their teens, and sometimes criticism is deserved, but more likely it is our own parenting techniques that we need to focus on. None of us are perfect parents, but all of us have room for improvement. And most of all, our teens need us to be parents, not their friends. They need the structure they detest and the quality family time they roll their eyes at. They need positive reinforcement and consistent consequences. Parenting a teen can be difficult, but if you put your whole self into doing it the best you can, the rewards will make it all worth while.

----------------
Now playing: KXNT
via FoxyTunes

How to Talk to Your Parents

I like to compare teenagers to pups that are about six months old. They are full of energy and playful. They are independent, and have a mind of their own, which often takes them from one activity to another. And they have discovered the joys and pitfalls of hormones. Like pups, they can wonder off into territory that can get them into trouble. Because they haven't experienced much of life yet, they are unhappy when mom comes along, picks them up by the neck and hauls them back home.

You might be asking "How can I deal with my parents when they refuse to treat me according to my age, instead of my shoe size?" The answer is simple. Talk to them...OK, talking isn't always easy but it is effective. "I" statements are the best weapon in almost any confrontation. What are "I" statements you ask? "I" statements are brief statements in which you explain what it is your are feeling, when you feel that way and why you feel that way. The formula is simply this:

I feel _______, when ________, because ________. An example might be: "Mom, I feel really embarrassed when you remind me to do things in front of my friends, because it makes me look like a little kid."

Why use "I" statements? Why bother to express feelings to parents? That is simple too. Parents are living in the dark when it comes to knowing how their teenagers are feeling about things. For the past 12 years, or so, they have formed habits in the way they deal with you. The old ways were helpful when you were a child, but are unproductive now that you are older. Parents just don't know how you feel about things. When they nag you they may have good intentions, but they don't realize how upset it makes you. Parents yell because their level of frustration has caused their rational brain to shut down, and in their panic, they can't think of anything productive to say. Just like you, they may need to relearn how to communicate in a positive way.

Most often, teens do one of two things when they feel frustrated. Either they walk away and hide in their room (or with friends), or they get angry and try to "yell" their feelings at their parents. In the former situation, the parents are still living in ignorance, which means they are not likely to listen to you or change their behavior. In the later situation, the parent becomes defensive and yells back, probably topping it off with grounding or some other consequence. In the end they still don't know how you feel because they weren't able to listen while everyone was yelling.

"I" statements give you power in a conflict. It defuses the parent's anger and forces them to listen to you. They cannot dictate your feelings or take them away from you, and so they listen and (hopefully) try to figure out what they have done wrong or how they should change their behavior in the future.

The secret is to use an I statement whenever you feel anything. Don't wait until the situation is already out of control. Practicing them in casual situations will prepare you to use them naturally in an emotional situation. If your listener isn't able to hear your feelings, or attempts to tell you how to feel, use another "I" statements to tell them how that makes you feel.

"I" statements rarely ever include the word "you". For instance, the following is not an appropriate "I" statement. "I feel like you're trying to make me mad when you tease me because you don't respect me." Arrrggghhh! This is a "you" statement and will only encourage defensiveness and argument from the parent. "I" statements should never be an attempt to attack or blame the parent. They are only a way for you to express your feelings and your needs so that the parent can understand your position. They may not always comply, but at least you have taken control of your life and let them know that you are an independent person with your own thoughts and feelings.

----------------
Now playing: KXNT
via FoxyTunes

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving.

Remember:

• not everyone likes the yams...and that's OK.
  
• After the food, kids would rather spend the afternoon with peers, and that's OK.
• Teens want pie for their first, second and third course; it's only one meal it won't kill them.
• No on really wants to spend half the day in one home and the other half in another; pick a spot and settle in.
• Get over yourself and let everyone else relax and enjoy the day.

Tomorrow will be here soon enough, so do what you can to smile and make today the best it can be. Nothing really matters in the long run, except happy memories. Relax, tolerate and enjoy.

----------------
Now playing: KXNT
via FoxyTunes

Letting Go, a Parent's Responsibility

The teen year are difficult at best. Teens crave independence but still need the security of home. It is a time for self discovery and a time to begin choosing a life path. It is a time of turmoil. The teen craves love but will run if mom tries to give a hug. S/he fights getting up in the morning and then fights going to bed at night. They challenge authority but want to be authoritative.

Teenagers are often tormented by their own personal demons and they haven't yet learned that their doubts and anxieties are universal. They feel alone in their pain and even freakish, and yet they lash out at other's who appear out of step. They claim uniqueness while conforming to the trends of their peers. And to make matters worse, their bodies are betraying them; growing into clumsy creatures with intense emotions, pimples and raging hormones. And even though they would never admit it, they need our help.

Our little child who was once easily consoled, now needs parents who are subtle with aid. Parents who jump in with advice or who are quick to criticize will be swiftly tuned out and turned away from.

Parents can help their teen by tolerating their restlessness, respecting their space and understanding their discontent. Hiam Ginott, author of Between Parent & Teenager wrote, "Our response (to our teenager) must differentiate between tolerance and sanction, between acceptance and approval. We tolerate much, but sanction little." In other words, it is important to realize that most of what a teenager is going through is only a temporary inconvenience on their path to adulthood. We need not agree with their ideas or their choices, but we need to tolerate them. Of course there are limits, and that is where sanctions come into play. But we need to keep those sanctions to a minimum, used only when the teen is demonstrating choices poor enough to cause harm to himself or others.

Some rules need to be enforced, but for the most part, we need to tolerate our teens ability to make choices for themselves. At this stage in their life we need to start stepping back and allowing them to use the tools we have given them. They need to be allowed to make mistakes and then enabled to learn from them. Over controlling your teen is like telling them that we don't believe they are capable of making decisions on their own, fostering dependence instead of independence. And independence is the ultimate goal.

Letting go can be a difficult task for a parent, especially with the oldest child, but it is a necessary part of the parenting process and an inevitable part of growing up.

----------------
Now playing: KXNT
via FoxyTunes