Teen Violence - A Parenting Dilema

Three female teens from a public school in Long Island have been under investigation for battery and harassment due to videotaping themselves while beating up a 13 year old girl from a private school. The case came into the spotlight when the video was made public on You-Tube and 2 other public video sites. The girls reportedly had words “about a boy” earlier on My Space which led the 3 older teens to plan an attack on the younger teen.

Scenes like this have become all too common in today’s technological era. But are videophones and the internet to blame? Hardly.

Today on Larry King Live, 4 professionals were interviewed regarding the issue and all agreed that the parents of the 3 teens need to take some responsibility for the violent and criminal actions of their daughters. Most of today’s teens have access to cell phones and the internet but only a certain percentage of them use these devices to commit crimes.

Gone are the fantasies of the 80’s which touted that a parent can be just as effective from the office as from home. Studies are repeatedly showing that kids who are raised by two working parents are far more likely to engage in criminal behaviors than those who have at least one parent who stays at home to raise them.

Too often parents believe that they can go back to work once their child hits the teen years. Not so. Teens are especially vulnerable to depression, feelings of abandonment and anger, and they need the frequent interaction and assurance of a stay-at-home parent to help them feel secure in their confusing and insecure world.

If your teen is acting out, it is a clear sign that s/he is angry. And it takes a responsible parent to be able to understand what role they may be playing in their child’s anger. Healing the feelings of your child may require changes in your family’s lifestyle, but in the end it will be worth every effort.

Photo Source: http://www.boston.com

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Dealing With Teens That Act Out

Frequently a parent will come to me, exasperated and tell me about how their teenager has suddenly become someone they don’t recognize anymore. The individual stories range dramatically from failing grades, hyper sexuality, stealing, and drugs or just about anything a teen can think of to get into trouble with authority figures. More often than not, the confused parent feels helpless to change the situation, and also feels guilt for contributing to the problem in some way.

Although the answer to their questions is simple, implementing change is not. For most parents the first line of attack is discipline. And while discipline is necessary most of the time, it is not enough to stop the bad behavior from continuing. The reason for this is that discipline only addresses the outwardly noticeable symptoms of the teen’s problem.

Teens are still children, and like children they haven’t developed sufficient skills to recognize, label and verbalize their most intense feelings. So when they are feeling overcome with fear, rejection, or self loathing, they express the intensity of their feelings in a venue that allows equal emotional release, such as breaking the law, giving up in school or becoming promiscuous.

Consequently, discipline isn’t enough. If a parent is to re-direct their teen once they have started down a destructive path, it is vital that they search for the underlying cause of the teen’s emotional pain. To do this effectively the parent has to be willing to look at their own behavior and life choices and how those choices may have contributed to the teen’s behavior. Introspection requires a little humility but remember this isn’t about you it is about saving your teen from self destruction.

Common themes to look for are:
• Recent loss of a family member or friend (separation, divorce, death)
• Changing schools
• Experiencing an abusive or otherwise traumatic event(s)
• Re-marriage or introduction of a new adult in the home
• Illness of a parent (including alcoholism, physical and/or mental illness)
• Feeling like the family’s scapegoat
• Over protective, over controlling parent (set up for rebellion)
• Not fitting in with peers
• Onset of emotional or mental illness (feeling like they are going crazy)

Finding time to frequently talk with your teen is essential if you are to help them open up emotionally. One great conversation just won’t do it. The teen will feel safer once a pattern of openness has been established. When you are talking be careful not to appear as if you are trying to pry out information. Teens are very astute listeners and will detect a trap as soon as they feel threatened. Validate their feelings instead of trying to change them. This isn’t lecture time; it is sharing time; time to create bonds and a safe place to express oneself.

And be honest about how you have influenced their life emotionally. If you started dating again after the loss of their father, be willing to acknowledge how that has brought up intense feelings in the teen. Don’t attempt to justify yourself, or your choices. Remember, this isn’t about you!

Teens act out because they haven’t learned the tools to deal with life’s difficulties in a mature, productive manner. Be an example to your teen. Help him/her learn how to deal with life by observing your behaviors.

In extreme cases if your teen is engaging in activity that is illegal or has a potential to become destructive to self or others, it may be necessary to involve the juvenile justice system or a community rehabilitation center. This is not a good time to be in denial. Your denial will only validate your teen’s denial. If you wait until legal authorities are forced to take over you will have lost precious time and your teen will have lost much more. Now is the time to step up and be the parent. Be the one willing to take charge and get something done. Your teen may protest now, but eventually, s/he will be grateful they had a parent that was willing to drop everything to come to their rescue.

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