Gay, Straight or Promiscuous - Who Can You Love?

I was flipping through the channels late one night when I came across a talk show that peeked my interest. A 16 year old girl who's mother had abandoned her at age nine was telling her mother how the pain of being left behind had been a factor in her early drug use and promiscuity. She even had the courage to tell her mother how she had turned to prostitution at age 13 to support her drug habit.

Through all of this her mother (who had had several affairs while married to her daughter's father) held the teens' hand and professed her love and support. She even intimated that she would not abandon her again.

At the suggestion of the host the girl told her mother that she presently had a girlfriend. She explained that after years of being abused by men, "it just felt more natural."

Her mother dropped her daughters' hand as if the girl had declared herself a leper. Her middle aged face hardened and she recoiled. The daughter, desperate for her mother's love and approval quickly stated that the two had just been going out and that they hadn't actually "done anything yet."

The mother's face softened a bit, and then she turned to the host and said "I just can't accept her with this. It isn't right, it is against my beliefs." I sat their on my couch analyzing the situation. Of course I was struck with the conditional requirements of the mother's love and the irony of her hypocrisy. My heart bled for this young girl.

But on a deeper level I understood that the girls' confession to her mother was more a tactic than an attempt to "come clean." She had been abandoned and forgotten for years. Although her mother professed her commitment to remain in her life, this time, she had not yet obtained the daughter's trust. What the teen really wanted to know is just how far she could push against the grain before her mother recanted. And unfortunately, or not, she found that boundary.

Our teens need our pure, unconditional love and support regardless of their lifestyle. They need to know that we will always be there for them. They need to be able to trust that our love for them is not dependent on what they do, but on who they are - our precious child.

Teens Need to Feel Accepted

Although living with a teen can be energizing and great fun, at times it can feel like never-ending work. There are the ups and downs that accompany a constantly changing human being to deal with; and of course there are worries about worldly influence that can make a parent age prematurely.

One thing that seems to be a part of raising any teenager is learning how to love them even when they profess to neither want or need it. Truth is, they both want and need it. Underneath their independent, bravado exterior is the kid that you have always known and loved. They just no longer want you to notice their vulnerability or their never-ending need for your acceptance and appreciation.

This is a critical time in life for both you and your teen. This is the time to change how you show your appreciation for them by making extra efforts to recognize their newly developing talents and personality. Let them know what it is about them that you really like. You don't need to make a show of it, just a simple remark in passing once in a while will do. Your teen will probably grumble in response, but those positive validations will sink deep into their sense of self.

It is so easy to be critical of their ever-changing hair style and the way they twist and distort language, but you have to remember that this too will pass. They won't be a teen forever and the things you now find so distasteful will soon be replaced - with other things you find distasteful.

And such is life. You and your parents probably don't see eye-to-eye on everything either, but you still love each other in spite of your differences. As long as your teen isn't self destructing, or hurting anyone else in their growing process, it's best to pick as few battles as possible. Let them know that you see them in their path toward independence and that you still love them.

Tomorrow you will wake up and discover that your teen has become an adult; and hopefully, your new best friend.

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