Hearing the Words "Mom, I'm Pregnant"

The day your beautiful little girl comes to you and says "Mom, I'm pregnant." may feel like the worst day of your life. Dealing with a pregnant teen is something no parent wants to have to do, but for far too many parents, it is a reality.

So what's a parent to do?

First, stay calm. Hearing such jarring information will bring feelings to the surface with such intensity that you may feel as if you cannot contain them, but you must. You are still the adult and you need to be level headed and an emotional example to your daughter. No real communication can occur when tempers flare and voices rise. This is a pivotal moment which may define your relationship with your daughter for the rest of your life. Keep your cool, take a deep breath and wait until you are able to communicate effectively before responding.

Listen without judging. Use mirroring techniques (see Psych-Net Mental Health for Instructions) to get information in a way that allows her to express her feelings without feeling verbally abused. You will need to learn the details without prying. Ask who the father is, was sex consensual and when the child was conceived, but don't pry for details about her sexual activities or habits - it's not your business unless she makes it your business.

Express your feelings. After she has said everything she needs to say, you should share your feelings about the situation. Be honest but not accusatory. Use I messages (see link above) to let her know that you feel scared, disappointed, and unsure about the future. Share your feelings in a calm way without implying guilt or condemnation.

What's her plan? Right from the start you will need to support her and encourage her to develop a working plan of action. She is still emotionally and psychologically too young to think through her options and come up with a plan on her own. Help her to pursue adoption instead of deluding herself into believing that she is mature enough to raise a child - especially if you have religious or moral convictions. If she is an older teen (18-19) she may choose to keep the child. If this is the case then you need to help her to connect with parenting classes and a family therapist who can help prepare her for her future as a mother.

Regardless of the course your daughter chooses it is imperative that she receive proper medical attention as well as therapeutic help. As the adult, you will be needed to acquire recommendations, and set appointments for doctors therapists, adoption agencies, alternative schooling facilities and pregnancy & birth classes.

She was a hormonal teenager before she was pregnant. Now she is a pregnant hormonal teenager; don't expect her to suddenly be capable of making adult decisions on her own. Because of your own feelings you may want to wash your hands of her, but doing so will put her and the baby in danger. Remember, this time will soon pass, don't burn your bridges. Your daughter needs you now more than she thinks she does.

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A Parents Guide to Teen Dating

Let's face it, your teenager is going to be dating soon and you are going to have to deal with all that comes with that. Transitioning from parenting a child to parenting a teenager is hard enough without having to think about how they will conduct themselves on a date. But hopefully you have prepared them well enough and your worries will be minor ones. Here are 3 tips to help you through this next phase of parenting.

1. Teenagers do not know how to date.
A teen does not learn how to date in the classroom and most likely has only picked up on some of the basics, like respecting someone’s personal space, at home. But they haven’t learned the ins and outs of a give and take relationship yet. They will be learning this as they date, and ‘on the job’ type of training. You can reinforce the values that concern dating and relationships by discussing them with your teenager and modeling them with your spouse or significant other. Do not be afraid to bring up these issues. Do not feel that they are not important. Teens that are taught values are important will look for dates with similar good values. That is who you want your teen dating, right?

2. Teens whose parents talk to them about dating are better prepared and happier.
You want your teenager to grow up happy, so remember that happiness in life is found in the journey. While the topic of teens and dating can make the most confident parent nervous, you should do your best not to project those anxious feelings when discussing dating - and the rules and limits of dating - with your teen. Relax and have informative dating conversations that will strengthen your relationship with your teen and empower you both to enjoy this part of their life.

3. Your teen will need privacy.
As parents, we are not very comfortable not knowing what is going on in our child’s life. But as your teen starts to date, you will need to take a step back and not try to know ‘everything’. You may at first have a hard time and feel like something is wrong. That is normal – your parenting role is changing. Change always feels awkward at first. On the other hand, your teenager may want to chat about the experience. He/she may have some questions to ask. If so, make yourself available. But remember to try not to ‘read into’ any of the questions and begin prying.

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Teens Need to Feel Accepted

Although living with a teen can be energizing and great fun, at times it can feel like never-ending work. There are the ups and downs that accompany a constantly changing human being to deal with; and of course there are worries about worldly influence that can make a parent age prematurely.

One thing that seems to be a part of raising any teenager is learning how to love them even when they profess to neither want or need it. Truth is, they both want and need it. Underneath their independent, bravado exterior is the kid that you have always known and loved. They just no longer want you to notice their vulnerability or their never-ending need for your acceptance and appreciation.

This is a critical time in life for both you and your teen. This is the time to change how you show your appreciation for them by making extra efforts to recognize their newly developing talents and personality. Let them know what it is about them that you really like. You don't need to make a show of it, just a simple remark in passing once in a while will do. Your teen will probably grumble in response, but those positive validations will sink deep into their sense of self.

It is so easy to be critical of their ever-changing hair style and the way they twist and distort language, but you have to remember that this too will pass. They won't be a teen forever and the things you now find so distasteful will soon be replaced - with other things you find distasteful.

And such is life. You and your parents probably don't see eye-to-eye on everything either, but you still love each other in spite of your differences. As long as your teen isn't self destructing, or hurting anyone else in their growing process, it's best to pick as few battles as possible. Let them know that you see them in their path toward independence and that you still love them.

Tomorrow you will wake up and discover that your teen has become an adult; and hopefully, your new best friend.

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Teens and Consequences - How to Make Parenting Easier

My teen knows what the consequence will be for bad behavior...
	always
	rarely
	for most things
	never
pollcode.com

The effectiveness of your house rules can be greatly increased if both you and your teen know, without a doubt, what the consequences will be for every infraction.

The best way to make sure that everyone knows what the consequences will be is to routinely have family meetings to reiterate the rules and the consequences for breaking those rules. That way your teen understands that when they choose to break a rule they are also choosing a particular consequence.

Another way to ensure that the teen chooses not to break rules is to include them in deciding what the consequences will be. If they are the ones who suggested what the consequences should be they won’t be able to argue with you about not being “fair.”

Studies have shown that the consequences they choose are almost always stiffer than what the parent would have chosen. So when they suggest a consequence it may win you bonus points to point that out and to settle on something appropriate but not quite as punishing.

Also, help guide them to think of consequences that are related to the infraction so that they will understand that you aren’t just trying to “punish” them, but that you are attempting to help them learn a healthy life lesson. Why not take steps to make parenting less difficult? Try it, you’ll like it!

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Balance Between Helping and Interfering

More often than not, teenagers resent unsolicited advice or attention. They need to be left alone to a greater degree than when they were young, to find their own way in life. And they need to feel capable of finding their own way without too much parental intervention. Although the teens' physical boundaries need to be respected, learning to do so is often difficult.

It is hard to stop hugging them every time they leave the house, or to expect a kiss at bedtime. But in order to allow the teen to learn how much affection is right for them, pulling back is what we need to do. Eventually they will come to us when they need a hug or a listening ear.

On the other hand, teenagers do appreciate their parent's opinions and counsel - when it is solicited. The trick is learning how to know when and when not, to offer advice. This requires listening skills. Learning how to listen to teenagers can make the difference between helping and preaching. A simple rule to remember is to offer advice only when you are asked for it.

A recent study indicated that teens spend 40% of their leisure time with peers, and only 10% of their time with parents and family members. The study also showed that although teens talk to their peers about almost everything, they still prefer talking to parents about moral or ethical dilemmas. Although these findings may not be surprising, it is interesting to note that although our teens may not spend as much time with us, they still want us to help them with the critical issues in their life.

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Holidays With Blended Families

Who's best interest are you most interested in?

Holidays have been reported to be the most difficult time of year for divorced or separated parents. Who are the children going to spend Christmas Eve with? Which parent is going to have to spend the holiday without their child?

Holidays are personal. There are family traditions that have sentimental importance and most are very family oriented. So what happens when families are no longer together? How does a couple decide what the agenda will be? And, how much time do they spend thinking about what is best for the kids?

Dr. Barbara Fidler, a Toronto clinical psychologist has stated: "Most of the things separated parents struggle with during the holidays are about power and control. It has little to do with the kids. It's about the adults."

She continues, "Whether the children go to that family celebration or they don't go to that family celebration, it's probably not going to make a huge difference one way or another negatively or positively," she said. "But the conflict that results from that and the way the child is brought into the conflict will damage the child."

Parents are deciding what their child's holiday memories will be, and strangely enough, the child is often the last thing on feuding parent's minds. Parents in these troubling situations may become selfish and can find every excuse in the world to validate their self-centered reasoning. But as Dr. Fidler implied, the children need to be the first and most important factor in any decisions that are made. The parent's feelings are not as important as is the wellbeing of the child.

If the feuding couple isn't capable of making decisions rationally, in a way that will not negatively effect the child, it may be necessary to turn to a legal arbitrator or a Parenting Coordinator for help.

Remember:

1. If you attempt to keep your child from having happy memories with the other parent, it will be you the child resents later on.

2. Never speak negatively about your ex in front of the child. Children realize that they are half you and half the other parent, and they are quick to internalize negative self talk. Speaking ill of their "away" parent will cause them to believe that they too are "bad."

3. Put your child first. Be willing to compromise in order to prevent fighting with your ex. Letting your child see that the two of you are able to work together amicabely will help them learn how to deal with conflict in their life.

4. Learn to argue when the children are nowhere around. Even if they are in the next room they may hear you. And the stress that they feel when parent's are at odds is damaging to them emotionally and psychologically.

5. Never put young children in the middle by asking them who they would rather spend a holiday with. That puts too much pressure on them and will cause them to feel as if they are betraying one parent and placating another. The decision is an adult one, not the child's.

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Dealing With Teens That Act Out

Frequently a parent will come to me, exasperated and tell me about how their teenager has suddenly become someone they don’t recognize anymore. The individual stories range dramatically from failing grades, hyper sexuality, stealing, and drugs or just about anything a teen can think of to get into trouble with authority figures. More often than not, the confused parent feels helpless to change the situation, and also feels guilt for contributing to the problem in some way.

Although the answer to their questions is simple, implementing change is not. For most parents the first line of attack is discipline. And while discipline is necessary most of the time, it is not enough to stop the bad behavior from continuing. The reason for this is that discipline only addresses the outwardly noticeable symptoms of the teen’s problem.

Teens are still children, and like children they haven’t developed sufficient skills to recognize, label and verbalize their most intense feelings. So when they are feeling overcome with fear, rejection, or self loathing, they express the intensity of their feelings in a venue that allows equal emotional release, such as breaking the law, giving up in school or becoming promiscuous.

Consequently, discipline isn’t enough. If a parent is to re-direct their teen once they have started down a destructive path, it is vital that they search for the underlying cause of the teen’s emotional pain. To do this effectively the parent has to be willing to look at their own behavior and life choices and how those choices may have contributed to the teen’s behavior. Introspection requires a little humility but remember this isn’t about you it is about saving your teen from self destruction.

Common themes to look for are:
• Recent loss of a family member or friend (separation, divorce, death)
• Changing schools
• Experiencing an abusive or otherwise traumatic event(s)
• Re-marriage or introduction of a new adult in the home
• Illness of a parent (including alcoholism, physical and/or mental illness)
• Feeling like the family’s scapegoat
• Over protective, over controlling parent (set up for rebellion)
• Not fitting in with peers
• Onset of emotional or mental illness (feeling like they are going crazy)

Finding time to frequently talk with your teen is essential if you are to help them open up emotionally. One great conversation just won’t do it. The teen will feel safer once a pattern of openness has been established. When you are talking be careful not to appear as if you are trying to pry out information. Teens are very astute listeners and will detect a trap as soon as they feel threatened. Validate their feelings instead of trying to change them. This isn’t lecture time; it is sharing time; time to create bonds and a safe place to express oneself.

And be honest about how you have influenced their life emotionally. If you started dating again after the loss of their father, be willing to acknowledge how that has brought up intense feelings in the teen. Don’t attempt to justify yourself, or your choices. Remember, this isn’t about you!

Teens act out because they haven’t learned the tools to deal with life’s difficulties in a mature, productive manner. Be an example to your teen. Help him/her learn how to deal with life by observing your behaviors.

In extreme cases if your teen is engaging in activity that is illegal or has a potential to become destructive to self or others, it may be necessary to involve the juvenile justice system or a community rehabilitation center. This is not a good time to be in denial. Your denial will only validate your teen’s denial. If you wait until legal authorities are forced to take over you will have lost precious time and your teen will have lost much more. Now is the time to step up and be the parent. Be the one willing to take charge and get something done. Your teen may protest now, but eventually, s/he will be grateful they had a parent that was willing to drop everything to come to their rescue.

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How to Talk to Your Parents

I like to compare teenagers to pups that are about six months old. They are full of energy and playful. They are independent, and have a mind of their own, which often takes them from one activity to another. And they have discovered the joys and pitfalls of hormones. Like pups, they can wonder off into territory that can get them into trouble. Because they haven't experienced much of life yet, they are unhappy when mom comes along, picks them up by the neck and hauls them back home.

You might be asking "How can I deal with my parents when they refuse to treat me according to my age, instead of my shoe size?" The answer is simple. Talk to them...OK, talking isn't always easy but it is effective. "I" statements are the best weapon in almost any confrontation. What are "I" statements you ask? "I" statements are brief statements in which you explain what it is your are feeling, when you feel that way and why you feel that way. The formula is simply this:

I feel _______, when ________, because ________. An example might be: "Mom, I feel really embarrassed when you remind me to do things in front of my friends, because it makes me look like a little kid."

Why use "I" statements? Why bother to express feelings to parents? That is simple too. Parents are living in the dark when it comes to knowing how their teenagers are feeling about things. For the past 12 years, or so, they have formed habits in the way they deal with you. The old ways were helpful when you were a child, but are unproductive now that you are older. Parents just don't know how you feel about things. When they nag you they may have good intentions, but they don't realize how upset it makes you. Parents yell because their level of frustration has caused their rational brain to shut down, and in their panic, they can't think of anything productive to say. Just like you, they may need to relearn how to communicate in a positive way.

Most often, teens do one of two things when they feel frustrated. Either they walk away and hide in their room (or with friends), or they get angry and try to "yell" their feelings at their parents. In the former situation, the parents are still living in ignorance, which means they are not likely to listen to you or change their behavior. In the later situation, the parent becomes defensive and yells back, probably topping it off with grounding or some other consequence. In the end they still don't know how you feel because they weren't able to listen while everyone was yelling.

"I" statements give you power in a conflict. It defuses the parent's anger and forces them to listen to you. They cannot dictate your feelings or take them away from you, and so they listen and (hopefully) try to figure out what they have done wrong or how they should change their behavior in the future.

The secret is to use an I statement whenever you feel anything. Don't wait until the situation is already out of control. Practicing them in casual situations will prepare you to use them naturally in an emotional situation. If your listener isn't able to hear your feelings, or attempts to tell you how to feel, use another "I" statements to tell them how that makes you feel.

"I" statements rarely ever include the word "you". For instance, the following is not an appropriate "I" statement. "I feel like you're trying to make me mad when you tease me because you don't respect me." Arrrggghhh! This is a "you" statement and will only encourage defensiveness and argument from the parent. "I" statements should never be an attempt to attack or blame the parent. They are only a way for you to express your feelings and your needs so that the parent can understand your position. They may not always comply, but at least you have taken control of your life and let them know that you are an independent person with your own thoughts and feelings.

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Wisdom From Teens for Parents

Out of the mouths of Babes

Early on while into the process of doing my dissertation I got a group of teenage boys together and asked them to be serious, and answer my question as honestly as they could. Not only was the interview great, but it led to another hour of discussion that I had not planned on. These boys aged from 13-17 and were eager and honest when they made these statements. My question was, "what do your parents do to discipline you that just doesn’t work; those things that will not help you reach your full potential as an adult?"

Teen 1

Threatening doesn't work! When my parents threaten me it makes me feel like I'm being put down, like they don't believe I can make good decisions on my own. Then I feel like I can't wait to do whatever it is they don't want me to do. It makes me mad."

"What does work is being positive with me, like when they let me know I've done a good job, or when they reward me for something I've done. Then I feel happy that I have pleased them and I’m anxious to find other ways to please them.

Teen 2

"My parents are very positive with me and that helps a lot. I'm not afraid of being “run-down because they handle things in such a positive way. That works for me."

"What doesn't work is when they ground me. That doesn't teach me anything at all. It just makes me feel resentful and controlled. Teens don't want to feel controlled; they would rather have someone talk to them about what's wrong than have the parent take the easy way out by grounding the kid. Regardless of the grounding rules, we always find ways to talk with friends or even see them as a way to let the parents know that their strategy doesn’t work.

Teen 3

Yea but lectures don't work at all! (general agreement from the group). Especially when the kid is already closed up and doesn't want to hear it. It doesn't get in. When my
parents lecture me I just tune it out and say 'Yea, OK', in all the right places until over. It doesn't resolve the problem. "

"What works best for me is being given realistic consequences that I knew about ahead of time. Not these 'I'm the parent-your the kid' type consequences, but one's that have a link to the problem. That way I can think about why I'm having consequences rather than just get angry about having to do an extra chore or something. When I know the consequence ahead of time I don't get so mad when it all comes down."

Teen 4

"What really works best for me is having my parents talk to me about the problem and both of us trying to resolve it together. It has to be when I'm in the mood to talk though and most of the time my parents try to do that. Sometimes I never want to talk and then it feels stupid at first, but we always seem to resolve the problem or come to a compromise by the end. Knowing that I can say anything I want and not get in trouble for it helps. If we try to talk when we are all mad nothing gets resolved."

Another thing that is effective is when the parent is lenient. I mean, not just letting the kid do whatever he wants all the time, but letting him make his own choices and letting him do things as long as it isn't going to hurt his life permanently. For me this works because it forces me to learn to take responsibility for my self and to experience consequences for my own actions. If a parent is always telling a kid what to do, and when, the kid can't learn how to be responsible for himself."

Teen 5

"Violence is probably the most ineffective type of discipline. Not just hitting and spanking but verbal violence too. When a parent is yelling or threatening to hit a child that just makes the child feel angry and unsafe. It doesn't help him to learn anything." Kids get into trouble because it is the best way they know to get attention from the parents. And get it they do. But if the parents were more interactive with the child all the time, then the child would have no reason to go out of his way to get more attention in a negative way.

The way my parents helped me the most is by being a good example. I sometimes look at my life and realize that I'm a lot like my parents. Those are the times I'm grateful for the example they set for me." I know I will never hit a child or verbally abuse them because that isn’t how my parents taught me.

Teen 6

"My dad is always angry with me. He sort of gets off feeling like he is all powerful and all knowing, like he has all the answers and I am incapable of deciding for myself what my life should be like. It's my life I'm supposed to be living, not his; but he doesn't get it. I think if he would just lighten up and let me be me I would be a lot better off. I don't really want to disappoint my parents but sometimes they just control me so tight that I feel like I have to do something drastic to get out and breathe on my own."

"The thing my parents could do that would be most effective is to stop pretending their super human and let me know how they feel about things like when I am not screwing up. Sometimes I think they 'need' me to 'be good' so the rest of the world doesn't think their bad parents. That's their responsibility, not mine.

Teen 7

I think parents forget that we still need their love and support. Just because we are more independent now and some of us can drive doesn’t meant that we still don’t want an occasional hug or head rub. Even if it feels embarrassing at times, the communication is still felt and I know that they still love me in spite of all my teenage craziness. Sure I want to be accepted by my friends, but I will always have my parents so I really want their approval, even though I would never tell them that.

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