Your Teens Weight & the Road to Better Health

Teens model what they have learned from their parents. This time of year many teens are watching their parents talk about, worry about and do something about their weight. Unfortunately, focusing on weight in a family can negatively affect your child.

Children in a home where one or both parents focus on their weight and frequently go on and off of diets, learn that their physical appearance is more important than their talents, their worth as a person and their value to society.

The number one place that teens turn for advice about their weight is their parents. If the advice they get is filled with criticism, contempt for their weight or negativity about their looks the teen will internalize this negativity and begin to confuse their body image with their self image.

Parents can best support their teens desire to loose weight by focusing on a healthy family food plan rather than focusing on restricting the child's intake. Healthy eating is far more important to your child's long-term health than is their current weight. If the family prepares and appreciates healthy foods and an active lifestyle the teen will learn to control their weight as a side effect rather than as a family project.

Remember: It is the parent who buys the food that comes into the house. The teen can't eat what isn't there. Sure they can eat whatever they choose when not at home, but the majority of a child's intake comes from meals prepared at home - especially if the family has committed to sharing meals together on a daily basis.

Help your child become healthy and fit by taking responsibility for what your family eats, how much time you spend together and by refusing to allow negativity and criticism be a part of your interactions with one another.

Teenagers - The Spice of Family Life

I love teenagers. My children's teenage years were some of my favorite. Perhaps that is because deep sown inside of me there is still a hint of rebellion, imaginative fantasy and moments of unexplainable moodiness. Sure there were moments of anguish and intense stress, but overall, having a house full of teens is just plain fun.

So when I hear people warning young parents about their upcoming decades of agony once their kids hit their teen years, I want to intervene. I want to tell parents to relax and to look forward to their children discovering their talents, experiencing puppy love and growing into adults.

I want to tell them to stay close, but not too close; to savor spending time just talking with -not at- them. And I want to remind them that if they work hard at forming strong, loving bonds with their children while young, that the job of parenting them once they become teenagers will be so much easier.

So instead of worrying about those teen years, just focus on creating and maintaining a strong, close family now. The strength of your family ties can make the difference between loving or dreading those teen years.

Teens, Technology & Titillating Temptations

Some parents just don't want to be bothered with what their teenager is doing behind their back. But for those of us who want to know just how responsible our teen is behind the wheel or who wish they had a way of tracking their teen the future is upon us.

According to an article on Slashdot A Japanese firm has created new technology that enables GPS units to be embedded in clothing that will enable the wearer to be tracked continuously, even by video or on mobile devices. A mom could track her teens activities from her cell phone or from her computer at work.

If that isn't enough, most parents these days have heard of the devices that can keep a log of how fast their teen is driving, but if that isn't enough, check out the newest models at youthdrivingsafe.org that not only tell you their speed but will enable you to remotely turn off the car engine, flash the lights and honk the horn, get instant notification if your teen goes somewhere you have made off limits and find their exact location.

In the world of high tech toys and titillating teen temptations, parents are well advised to keep up with the age of technology and be willing to use whatever means necessary to keep their teen safe.

Monkey See, Monkey Do - Parenting by Example

No parent is perfect. And largely due to that fact, no child is perfect either. Several years ago I had a family as clients. They initially sent their teenage son to me to be fixed. After only a few sessions it was apparent to me that the parents needed help as well. They agreed and we started couple counseling in addition to individual therapy for their son.

After about 3 months of intense counseling, the father dangled a metaphoric carrot in front of his son "to tempt him" and to "see if he had been cured by therapy."

After discovering that his son had indeed given in to temptation the father called me, and in a rage he rationalized his desire to disown his son because of his "deceptive behavior and his obvious willingness to disregard what he had been told in therapy." The father was not only sabotaging his son's grown and progress, but he was expecting more out of his son than he was expecting from himself.

This may sound like an extreme case but I see less obvious examples like this in most of the families that I counsel. Parents tell their children not to steal and then they taste the grapes at the grocery store, fudge on their taxes and bring home office supplies from work. They punish their teen for lying then turn around and lie about their age or falsify a resume. They ground their teen for getting a speeding ticket and yet they rarely stick to the speed limit themselves.

Our kids learn the majority of their life lessons at home. And through the example of the parent the child learns what the family values really are. If the parent gives little respect to the sanctity of marriage the child is likely to grow up believing that marriage is a burden or even unnecessary. If the parent gets physical when angry, the child is likely to internalize violence as a coping skill.

As parents we need to become acutely aware of how we live our life. Because like it or not, everything from the language we use to the behaviors we rationalize are being absorbed and internalized by our children. We need to live the life we want our children to emulate.

Teens Need to Feel Accepted

Although living with a teen can be energizing and great fun, at times it can feel like never-ending work. There are the ups and downs that accompany a constantly changing human being to deal with; and of course there are worries about worldly influence that can make a parent age prematurely.

One thing that seems to be a part of raising any teenager is learning how to love them even when they profess to neither want or need it. Truth is, they both want and need it. Underneath their independent, bravado exterior is the kid that you have always known and loved. They just no longer want you to notice their vulnerability or their never-ending need for your acceptance and appreciation.

This is a critical time in life for both you and your teen. This is the time to change how you show your appreciation for them by making extra efforts to recognize their newly developing talents and personality. Let them know what it is about them that you really like. You don't need to make a show of it, just a simple remark in passing once in a while will do. Your teen will probably grumble in response, but those positive validations will sink deep into their sense of self.

It is so easy to be critical of their ever-changing hair style and the way they twist and distort language, but you have to remember that this too will pass. They won't be a teen forever and the things you now find so distasteful will soon be replaced - with other things you find distasteful.

And such is life. You and your parents probably don't see eye-to-eye on everything either, but you still love each other in spite of your differences. As long as your teen isn't self destructing, or hurting anyone else in their growing process, it's best to pick as few battles as possible. Let them know that you see them in their path toward independence and that you still love them.

Tomorrow you will wake up and discover that your teen has become an adult; and hopefully, your new best friend.

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Teens and Consequences - How to Make Parenting Easier

My teen knows what the consequence will be for bad behavior...
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pollcode.com

The effectiveness of your house rules can be greatly increased if both you and your teen know, without a doubt, what the consequences will be for every infraction.

The best way to make sure that everyone knows what the consequences will be is to routinely have family meetings to reiterate the rules and the consequences for breaking those rules. That way your teen understands that when they choose to break a rule they are also choosing a particular consequence.

Another way to ensure that the teen chooses not to break rules is to include them in deciding what the consequences will be. If they are the ones who suggested what the consequences should be they won’t be able to argue with you about not being “fair.”

Studies have shown that the consequences they choose are almost always stiffer than what the parent would have chosen. So when they suggest a consequence it may win you bonus points to point that out and to settle on something appropriate but not quite as punishing.

Also, help guide them to think of consequences that are related to the infraction so that they will understand that you aren’t just trying to “punish” them, but that you are attempting to help them learn a healthy life lesson. Why not take steps to make parenting less difficult? Try it, you’ll like it!

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Balance Between Helping and Interfering

More often than not, teenagers resent unsolicited advice or attention. They need to be left alone to a greater degree than when they were young, to find their own way in life. And they need to feel capable of finding their own way without too much parental intervention. Although the teens' physical boundaries need to be respected, learning to do so is often difficult.

It is hard to stop hugging them every time they leave the house, or to expect a kiss at bedtime. But in order to allow the teen to learn how much affection is right for them, pulling back is what we need to do. Eventually they will come to us when they need a hug or a listening ear.

On the other hand, teenagers do appreciate their parent's opinions and counsel - when it is solicited. The trick is learning how to know when and when not, to offer advice. This requires listening skills. Learning how to listen to teenagers can make the difference between helping and preaching. A simple rule to remember is to offer advice only when you are asked for it.

A recent study indicated that teens spend 40% of their leisure time with peers, and only 10% of their time with parents and family members. The study also showed that although teens talk to their peers about almost everything, they still prefer talking to parents about moral or ethical dilemmas. Although these findings may not be surprising, it is interesting to note that although our teens may not spend as much time with us, they still want us to help them with the critical issues in their life.

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Teens and Discipline

IN THE NEWS-->

DECEMBER 5--A South Carolina boy, 12, was arrested Sunday morning after his mother called police to report that he had unwrapped a Christmas present without her permission. The police charged the juvenile with petty larceny. The boy's mother, 27, said that she hoped his arrest would serve as a corrective to disorderly behavior at school and home.

EDMOND, Okla. - Tasha Henderson got tired of her 14-year-old daughter's poor grades, her chronic lateness to class and her talking back to her teachers, so she decided to teach the girl a lesson. She made Coretha stand at a busy Oklahoma City intersection Nov. 4 with a cardboard sign that read: "I don't do my homework and I act up in school, so my parents are preparing me for my future. Will work for food."

Each generation seems to have spawned a few new parenting styles that seem new, innovative or just plain different than previous generations. Sometimes these unusual parenting styles make the news because they create controversy and debate. Recently I read about a minority of parents who believe that children themselves should be allowed to make all of their own decisions including weather or not they go to school, what they eat, when they sleep. These parents believe that by raising their children with no punishment and no rules that they are raising "free thinkers." Twenty years from now the research done on the outcome of such parenting will be interesting to say the least.

Parents make decisions about how to raise their children everyday. Even refusing to make a decision is in fact making a decision, because either way the child is reared in a particular style that is created in the home. One thing that has been researched and reported on since the beginning of time is the fact that children, teens especially, learn more by their parent's examples than from their words.

For instance, in the 80's it was common to hear young adults claim that instead of raising children in a particular religion, they were going refrain from teaching any religious theme, and instead, let the child choose for themselves. It was nice sounding rhetoric for people who didn't want to commit themselves to religious beliefs, but it didn't do what they claimed it would. Instead, children who were raised with no religious training grew up to believe that they had no need for it. So instead of "choosing for themselves," they chose as they were shown - "nothing."

Our children learn how to live by what we show them, what we infer to them and what they sense from us. Taking no disciplinary stand at all will result in children who are undisciplined. Over reacting and over protecting our children will produce teens who are so eager to make their own way that they explode into the world unprepared and often, rebellious. Parenting through guilt techniques creates weak minded children who grow to become un-driven adults. Parenting through violent techniques will produce children/adults who are violent minded, who learn to turn off their feelings and who may become sociopathic, unable to feel empathy for others.

So the debate roles on. We can criticize others for the ways they discipline their teens, and sometimes criticism is deserved, but more likely it is our own parenting techniques that we need to focus on. None of us are perfect parents, but all of us have room for improvement. And most of all, our teens need us to be parents, not their friends. They need the structure they detest and the quality family time they roll their eyes at. They need positive reinforcement and consistent consequences. Parenting a teen can be difficult, but if you put your whole self into doing it the best you can, the rewards will make it all worth while.

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Letting Go, a Parent's Responsibility

The teen year are difficult at best. Teens crave independence but still need the security of home. It is a time for self discovery and a time to begin choosing a life path. It is a time of turmoil. The teen craves love but will run if mom tries to give a hug. S/he fights getting up in the morning and then fights going to bed at night. They challenge authority but want to be authoritative.

Teenagers are often tormented by their own personal demons and they haven't yet learned that their doubts and anxieties are universal. They feel alone in their pain and even freakish, and yet they lash out at other's who appear out of step. They claim uniqueness while conforming to the trends of their peers. And to make matters worse, their bodies are betraying them; growing into clumsy creatures with intense emotions, pimples and raging hormones. And even though they would never admit it, they need our help.

Our little child who was once easily consoled, now needs parents who are subtle with aid. Parents who jump in with advice or who are quick to criticize will be swiftly tuned out and turned away from.

Parents can help their teen by tolerating their restlessness, respecting their space and understanding their discontent. Hiam Ginott, author of Between Parent & Teenager wrote, "Our response (to our teenager) must differentiate between tolerance and sanction, between acceptance and approval. We tolerate much, but sanction little." In other words, it is important to realize that most of what a teenager is going through is only a temporary inconvenience on their path to adulthood. We need not agree with their ideas or their choices, but we need to tolerate them. Of course there are limits, and that is where sanctions come into play. But we need to keep those sanctions to a minimum, used only when the teen is demonstrating choices poor enough to cause harm to himself or others.

Some rules need to be enforced, but for the most part, we need to tolerate our teens ability to make choices for themselves. At this stage in their life we need to start stepping back and allowing them to use the tools we have given them. They need to be allowed to make mistakes and then enabled to learn from them. Over controlling your teen is like telling them that we don't believe they are capable of making decisions on their own, fostering dependence instead of independence. And independence is the ultimate goal.

Letting go can be a difficult task for a parent, especially with the oldest child, but it is a necessary part of the parenting process and an inevitable part of growing up.

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Discipline In Blended Families

Trying to make a blended family work in today's society is not impossible, but it can seem so. The divorce rate for first time marriages looms around the %50 mark and for second marriages it is much higher. Add in children from a previous relationship and the divorce rate skyrockets. It isn't a bias, it is the fact. But for those who have decided to beat those odds there are some things that can help you create the family you have always wanted.

One of the first critical rules for maintaing a blended family, especially if the children are over the age of eight or so, is to create a system that allows the biological parent to be the main disciplinarian for that child. You have to be able to get inside that child's mind and realize that they didn't choose the new adult in the home, and when things are emotionally charged, they will not accecpt being told what to do by the new "parent" in their life. In the child's mind this new adult is just an interloper and will soon leave - perhaps like the original parent did. It takes a great deal of time and work to create a relationship that fosters respect and a willingness to be led by a new "parent" in the childn's lfe.

When the step-parent is "the mom" this can be particularly difficult on several levels. Mom's generally don't carry as much power in the child's eyes as does the father. However it may be the mom that is there with the child all day long. So what does a new step-parent do?

Before moving the step parent in with the child it is imperative that the two of you discuss how discipline will be handled. Figure out a way that the home-based parent can keep sanity in the home without being the heavy handed demagogue. Decide on what the consequenses will be for different infarctions and then talk to the child as a united front. That way when the step-parent says "boo" the child knows that it has already been agreed upon by the other parent.

In blended families we have to put ourselves in the mind of the child who's family, and who's fantasy of family, has been ripped apart. They have little or no say in what happens in their family and they begin to feel helpless and can become depressed and or resentful and angry about the changes in their life. Expecting them to accept those changes without emotion is in itself a fantasy on the adult's part. And when emotions flare it is the adults that need to remain level headed and empathetic if the situation, and the family is to grow into something wonderful.

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