Your Teens Weight & the Road to Better Health

Teens model what they have learned from their parents. This time of year many teens are watching their parents talk about, worry about and do something about their weight. Unfortunately, focusing on weight in a family can negatively affect your child.

Children in a home where one or both parents focus on their weight and frequently go on and off of diets, learn that their physical appearance is more important than their talents, their worth as a person and their value to society.

The number one place that teens turn for advice about their weight is their parents. If the advice they get is filled with criticism, contempt for their weight or negativity about their looks the teen will internalize this negativity and begin to confuse their body image with their self image.

Parents can best support their teens desire to loose weight by focusing on a healthy family food plan rather than focusing on restricting the child's intake. Healthy eating is far more important to your child's long-term health than is their current weight. If the family prepares and appreciates healthy foods and an active lifestyle the teen will learn to control their weight as a side effect rather than as a family project.

Remember: It is the parent who buys the food that comes into the house. The teen can't eat what isn't there. Sure they can eat whatever they choose when not at home, but the majority of a child's intake comes from meals prepared at home - especially if the family has committed to sharing meals together on a daily basis.

Help your child become healthy and fit by taking responsibility for what your family eats, how much time you spend together and by refusing to allow negativity and criticism be a part of your interactions with one another.

Teenagers - The Spice of Family Life

I love teenagers. My children's teenage years were some of my favorite. Perhaps that is because deep sown inside of me there is still a hint of rebellion, imaginative fantasy and moments of unexplainable moodiness. Sure there were moments of anguish and intense stress, but overall, having a house full of teens is just plain fun.

So when I hear people warning young parents about their upcoming decades of agony once their kids hit their teen years, I want to intervene. I want to tell parents to relax and to look forward to their children discovering their talents, experiencing puppy love and growing into adults.

I want to tell them to stay close, but not too close; to savor spending time just talking with -not at- them. And I want to remind them that if they work hard at forming strong, loving bonds with their children while young, that the job of parenting them once they become teenagers will be so much easier.

So instead of worrying about those teen years, just focus on creating and maintaining a strong, close family now. The strength of your family ties can make the difference between loving or dreading those teen years.

Teens and Holiday Plans

Has your normally bubbly, playful and affectionate child turned into a mumbling, withdrawn and secretive teenager? Does s/he now hide behind headphones blasting rock music into the deepest recesses of their brain? Does your teen communicate only by cell phone or online? Finding yourself a parent of a teen can feel like a rude awakening - especially when you are planning a family trip for the holidays.

Here are a few tips for successful holiday planning with teenagers:

* Include your teen in the decision-making process you may be pleasantly surprised at the maturity of their opinions.
* Make sure there are plenty of options and activities to keep your teen interested and entertained.
* Never expect anyone older than 10 to eat at the "kids table.".
* Teenagers want to be as relaxed and as undisciplined as the adults. Allow them the freedom to sleep in, stay up late, play hours of video games or to just listen to their tunes - this is supposed to be their holiday too.
* If all else fails, give them some money and take them to the mall to do holiday shopping. Of course I don't recommend allowing them to run amok unsupervised unless they are in the latter half of their teen years - and then they should be providing their own money.
* Let them eat what they like. This is no time for nagging about good health and nutrition.
* Never ask your teen how they liked the trip unless you are prepared to hear about what they didn't like. Let them be honest without taking offense.
* Let go of control. The point of having family get-togethers is supposed to be to enjoy each other's company, relax, and to create happy family memories. Don't mess it all up by attempting to hold onto rules with an iron fist.

Take solace in knowing that soon it will be January and they will be back in school - having not done their homework.

Gay, Straight or Promiscuous - Who Can You Love?

I was flipping through the channels late one night when I came across a talk show that peeked my interest. A 16 year old girl who's mother had abandoned her at age nine was telling her mother how the pain of being left behind had been a factor in her early drug use and promiscuity. She even had the courage to tell her mother how she had turned to prostitution at age 13 to support her drug habit.

Through all of this her mother (who had had several affairs while married to her daughter's father) held the teens' hand and professed her love and support. She even intimated that she would not abandon her again.

At the suggestion of the host the girl told her mother that she presently had a girlfriend. She explained that after years of being abused by men, "it just felt more natural."

Her mother dropped her daughters' hand as if the girl had declared herself a leper. Her middle aged face hardened and she recoiled. The daughter, desperate for her mother's love and approval quickly stated that the two had just been going out and that they hadn't actually "done anything yet."

The mother's face softened a bit, and then she turned to the host and said "I just can't accept her with this. It isn't right, it is against my beliefs." I sat their on my couch analyzing the situation. Of course I was struck with the conditional requirements of the mother's love and the irony of her hypocrisy. My heart bled for this young girl.

But on a deeper level I understood that the girls' confession to her mother was more a tactic than an attempt to "come clean." She had been abandoned and forgotten for years. Although her mother professed her commitment to remain in her life, this time, she had not yet obtained the daughter's trust. What the teen really wanted to know is just how far she could push against the grain before her mother recanted. And unfortunately, or not, she found that boundary.

Our teens need our pure, unconditional love and support regardless of their lifestyle. They need to know that we will always be there for them. They need to be able to trust that our love for them is not dependent on what they do, but on who they are - our precious child.

Who's Your Daddy? When Parentage is in Question

It is not uncommon for a man to adopt his new wifes children, especially if the children are very young and have developed a good relationship with their new step-father. And, unfortunately, it is becoming more common that the expectant mother doesn't know the paternity of her unborn child. Thus more and more children are growing up without knowing who their biological father is.

So, what's a mother to do when her children believe one man to be their father, but the mother knows that someone else was the sperm donor? Of course, as with most complicated issues, the answer is "It depends."

Seriously though, you have to ponder the question "How will my child benefit by knowing the truth?" In many cases, the sperm donor has had little or no contact with the child throughout his/her life. And if the person acting in the role of "father" has adopted the child, there may be nothing much to tell.

Children need to feel loved and secure in their home and in their place in the world and churning calm waters with information that may upset the healthy balance in the home may create feelings and situations that are far too adult for a young child to have to deal with. Wait until the child is an adult, and then, if the subject comes up, tell the truth.

Be sure to phrase what you say in a way that will help the teenager realize that you were doing what was best for him/her. If you got pregnant because you were young and stupid, admit that to your child as a lesson in waiting for the right person to come into their life at a more mature age.

If you are a single mother and your child is asking about their biological father, take their age into consideration and answer clearly and directly adding no more information than what was specified in the question. Again, be honest and use the opportunity to create a learning moment for the child.

Helping the child see your remorse for making bad choices at a young age can help them decide to make different choices for themselves. Of course, never belittle their father or speak about him in hateful ways. That will only damage the child's sense of identity (by identifying with the absent father). Instead, Help the child understand that their biological father made mistakes too and hopefully he is trying to make good choices now. This helps the child realize that he/she can also recover from mistakes in life.

Remember this isn't about you. This is about your child and knowing how to help them assimilate their complicated life in a way that teaches them something positive.

Holidays With Blended Families

Who's best interest are you most interested in?

Holidays have been reported to be the most difficult time of year for divorced or separated parents. Who are the children going to spend Christmas Eve with? Which parent is going to have to spend the holiday without their child?

Holidays are personal. There are family traditions that have sentimental importance and most are very family oriented. So what happens when families are no longer together? How does a couple decide what the agenda will be? And, how much time do they spend thinking about what is best for the kids?

Dr. Barbara Fidler, a Toronto clinical psychologist has stated: "Most of the things separated parents struggle with during the holidays are about power and control. It has little to do with the kids. It's about the adults."

She continues, "Whether the children go to that family celebration or they don't go to that family celebration, it's probably not going to make a huge difference one way or another negatively or positively," she said. "But the conflict that results from that and the way the child is brought into the conflict will damage the child."

Parents are deciding what their child's holiday memories will be, and strangely enough, the child is often the last thing on feuding parent's minds. Parents in these troubling situations may become selfish and can find every excuse in the world to validate their self-centered reasoning. But as Dr. Fidler implied, the children need to be the first and most important factor in any decisions that are made. The parent's feelings are not as important as is the wellbeing of the child.

If the feuding couple isn't capable of making decisions rationally, in a way that will not negatively effect the child, it may be necessary to turn to a legal arbitrator or a Parenting Coordinator for help.

Remember:

1. If you attempt to keep your child from having happy memories with the other parent, it will be you the child resents later on.

2. Never speak negatively about your ex in front of the child. Children realize that they are half you and half the other parent, and they are quick to internalize negative self talk. Speaking ill of their "away" parent will cause them to believe that they too are "bad."

3. Put your child first. Be willing to compromise in order to prevent fighting with your ex. Letting your child see that the two of you are able to work together amicabely will help them learn how to deal with conflict in their life.

4. Learn to argue when the children are nowhere around. Even if they are in the next room they may hear you. And the stress that they feel when parent's are at odds is damaging to them emotionally and psychologically.

5. Never put young children in the middle by asking them who they would rather spend a holiday with. That puts too much pressure on them and will cause them to feel as if they are betraying one parent and placating another. The decision is an adult one, not the child's.

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