Step Families and Holiday Happiness

Step families can be frustrating at best. But during the holiday season it can be downright irritating.

There is the stress of remembering who is staying where on what day. Add to that the chaos of trying to combine differing family traditions and the anxiety of determining who is responsible for buying gifts for each person in each family. Do you invite the ex to join you in the festivities? What about the former step children whom you briefly parented? Do you still buy them gifts or invite them to family functions? It's enough to make you wish you were an atheist.

Prepare yourself. If you are going to spend time alone while your children are with the other parent plan ahead and arrange to be with other people you love. Plan a treat for yourself like a spa day or a trip to the country. Pamper yourself instead of falling into despair while the kids are away.

Have realistic expectations. Holidays for a step-family are going to be different. By accepting that and adjusting your expectations will help you get emotionally prepared. During the holidays children can be reminded that their parent's aren’t together anymore. These reminders can bring up emotions such as loss, guilt or anger. By remembering that a step-family is different from a biological family you can create new traditions and rituals that are unique to your step-family.

Be flexible. Be willing to arrange times when your family can celebrate together, even if it’s before or after the holiday’s date. Children need to be with both of their biological parents, be sensitive to thatt.

Just because it's a holiday doesn't mean that everyone will suddenly be merry and bright. All of the unresolved issues that plagued the family prior to the special event will still be there today. Forget trying to get everyone under the same roof with the expectation of a Hallmark moment.

Step families can work if everyone involved has their eye set on compromise, acceptance and forgiveness. Otherwise, you may as well plan for some difficult moments. Remember that you cannot control anyone but yourself. Take extra care to do just that.

Teens and Holiday Plans

Has your normally bubbly, playful and affectionate child turned into a mumbling, withdrawn and secretive teenager? Does s/he now hide behind headphones blasting rock music into the deepest recesses of their brain? Does your teen communicate only by cell phone or online? Finding yourself a parent of a teen can feel like a rude awakening - especially when you are planning a family trip for the holidays.

Here are a few tips for successful holiday planning with teenagers:

* Include your teen in the decision-making process you may be pleasantly surprised at the maturity of their opinions.
* Make sure there are plenty of options and activities to keep your teen interested and entertained.
* Never expect anyone older than 10 to eat at the "kids table.".
* Teenagers want to be as relaxed and as undisciplined as the adults. Allow them the freedom to sleep in, stay up late, play hours of video games or to just listen to their tunes - this is supposed to be their holiday too.
* If all else fails, give them some money and take them to the mall to do holiday shopping. Of course I don't recommend allowing them to run amok unsupervised unless they are in the latter half of their teen years - and then they should be providing their own money.
* Let them eat what they like. This is no time for nagging about good health and nutrition.
* Never ask your teen how they liked the trip unless you are prepared to hear about what they didn't like. Let them be honest without taking offense.
* Let go of control. The point of having family get-togethers is supposed to be to enjoy each other's company, relax, and to create happy family memories. Don't mess it all up by attempting to hold onto rules with an iron fist.

Take solace in knowing that soon it will be January and they will be back in school - having not done their homework.

Holidays With Blended Families

Who's best interest are you most interested in?

Holidays have been reported to be the most difficult time of year for divorced or separated parents. Who are the children going to spend Christmas Eve with? Which parent is going to have to spend the holiday without their child?

Holidays are personal. There are family traditions that have sentimental importance and most are very family oriented. So what happens when families are no longer together? How does a couple decide what the agenda will be? And, how much time do they spend thinking about what is best for the kids?

Dr. Barbara Fidler, a Toronto clinical psychologist has stated: "Most of the things separated parents struggle with during the holidays are about power and control. It has little to do with the kids. It's about the adults."

She continues, "Whether the children go to that family celebration or they don't go to that family celebration, it's probably not going to make a huge difference one way or another negatively or positively," she said. "But the conflict that results from that and the way the child is brought into the conflict will damage the child."

Parents are deciding what their child's holiday memories will be, and strangely enough, the child is often the last thing on feuding parent's minds. Parents in these troubling situations may become selfish and can find every excuse in the world to validate their self-centered reasoning. But as Dr. Fidler implied, the children need to be the first and most important factor in any decisions that are made. The parent's feelings are not as important as is the wellbeing of the child.

If the feuding couple isn't capable of making decisions rationally, in a way that will not negatively effect the child, it may be necessary to turn to a legal arbitrator or a Parenting Coordinator for help.

Remember:

1. If you attempt to keep your child from having happy memories with the other parent, it will be you the child resents later on.

2. Never speak negatively about your ex in front of the child. Children realize that they are half you and half the other parent, and they are quick to internalize negative self talk. Speaking ill of their "away" parent will cause them to believe that they too are "bad."

3. Put your child first. Be willing to compromise in order to prevent fighting with your ex. Letting your child see that the two of you are able to work together amicabely will help them learn how to deal with conflict in their life.

4. Learn to argue when the children are nowhere around. Even if they are in the next room they may hear you. And the stress that they feel when parent's are at odds is damaging to them emotionally and psychologically.

5. Never put young children in the middle by asking them who they would rather spend a holiday with. That puts too much pressure on them and will cause them to feel as if they are betraying one parent and placating another. The decision is an adult one, not the child's.

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