Hearing the Words "Mom, I'm Pregnant"

The day your beautiful little girl comes to you and says "Mom, I'm pregnant." may feel like the worst day of your life. Dealing with a pregnant teen is something no parent wants to have to do, but for far too many parents, it is a reality.

So what's a parent to do?

First, stay calm. Hearing such jarring information will bring feelings to the surface with such intensity that you may feel as if you cannot contain them, but you must. You are still the adult and you need to be level headed and an emotional example to your daughter. No real communication can occur when tempers flare and voices rise. This is a pivotal moment which may define your relationship with your daughter for the rest of your life. Keep your cool, take a deep breath and wait until you are able to communicate effectively before responding.

Listen without judging. Use mirroring techniques (see Psych-Net Mental Health for Instructions) to get information in a way that allows her to express her feelings without feeling verbally abused. You will need to learn the details without prying. Ask who the father is, was sex consensual and when the child was conceived, but don't pry for details about her sexual activities or habits - it's not your business unless she makes it your business.

Express your feelings. After she has said everything she needs to say, you should share your feelings about the situation. Be honest but not accusatory. Use I messages (see link above) to let her know that you feel scared, disappointed, and unsure about the future. Share your feelings in a calm way without implying guilt or condemnation.

What's her plan? Right from the start you will need to support her and encourage her to develop a working plan of action. She is still emotionally and psychologically too young to think through her options and come up with a plan on her own. Help her to pursue adoption instead of deluding herself into believing that she is mature enough to raise a child - especially if you have religious or moral convictions. If she is an older teen (18-19) she may choose to keep the child. If this is the case then you need to help her to connect with parenting classes and a family therapist who can help prepare her for her future as a mother.

Regardless of the course your daughter chooses it is imperative that she receive proper medical attention as well as therapeutic help. As the adult, you will be needed to acquire recommendations, and set appointments for doctors therapists, adoption agencies, alternative schooling facilities and pregnancy & birth classes.

She was a hormonal teenager before she was pregnant. Now she is a pregnant hormonal teenager; don't expect her to suddenly be capable of making adult decisions on her own. Because of your own feelings you may want to wash your hands of her, but doing so will put her and the baby in danger. Remember, this time will soon pass, don't burn your bridges. Your daughter needs you now more than she thinks she does.

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Warning Signs Of an Abusive Boyfriend

Teen girls are often easily controlled by their emotions and their heart instead of using their head. This can lead to getting themselves into troublesome relationships that can change their life for the worse. It is up to you, the parent, to get to know the boys your daughter is interested in and to set boundaries for her regarding dating, sex and self control. Help her learn to recognize the early warning signs of trouble before she gets in too deep with the wrong guy.

Here are the warning signs that your daughter may be in a relationship with an abuser:

* She rationalizes or apologizes for his behavior.
* She loses interest in friends and activities that she used to enjoy.
* She stops spending as much time with friends or family members.
* She becomes more isolated spending most or her spare time with him.
* He calls her names and denigrates her in front of other's.
* He becomes jealous of others who pay attention to her, especially other guys.
* He believes that you don't like him and uses this to form an alliance with her, against you.
* He controls her behavior, checking up on her constantly, calling and paging her, demanding to know who she has been with.
* He tells her how to dress, where she is allowed to go, who she is allowed to talk to.
* She casually mentions his violent behavior, but laughs it off as a joke.
* She often has unexplained injuries, or the explanations she offers for bruises or pain don't make sense.
* You see him violently lose his temper, striking or breaking objects.
* He has a history of being violent with others.
* He has unhappy or severed relationships with family members.
* At least one close family member has been in trouble with the law for abuse of another.
* He wants to talk your daughter into leaving home before her time to be with him.
* He drinks to excess or uses illegal drugs.
* He has children by other women and does not take responsibility for them.

If your daughter is already in a relationship with the wrong boy, it is imperative that you do whatever you can to save her from a potentially deadly relationship.

For more information on the profiles of abusers go to http://www.psych-net.com/abuse.html

A Parents Guide to Teen Dating

Let's face it, your teenager is going to be dating soon and you are going to have to deal with all that comes with that. Transitioning from parenting a child to parenting a teenager is hard enough without having to think about how they will conduct themselves on a date. But hopefully you have prepared them well enough and your worries will be minor ones. Here are 3 tips to help you through this next phase of parenting.

1. Teenagers do not know how to date.
A teen does not learn how to date in the classroom and most likely has only picked up on some of the basics, like respecting someone’s personal space, at home. But they haven’t learned the ins and outs of a give and take relationship yet. They will be learning this as they date, and ‘on the job’ type of training. You can reinforce the values that concern dating and relationships by discussing them with your teenager and modeling them with your spouse or significant other. Do not be afraid to bring up these issues. Do not feel that they are not important. Teens that are taught values are important will look for dates with similar good values. That is who you want your teen dating, right?

2. Teens whose parents talk to them about dating are better prepared and happier.
You want your teenager to grow up happy, so remember that happiness in life is found in the journey. While the topic of teens and dating can make the most confident parent nervous, you should do your best not to project those anxious feelings when discussing dating - and the rules and limits of dating - with your teen. Relax and have informative dating conversations that will strengthen your relationship with your teen and empower you both to enjoy this part of their life.

3. Your teen will need privacy.
As parents, we are not very comfortable not knowing what is going on in our child’s life. But as your teen starts to date, you will need to take a step back and not try to know ‘everything’. You may at first have a hard time and feel like something is wrong. That is normal – your parenting role is changing. Change always feels awkward at first. On the other hand, your teenager may want to chat about the experience. He/she may have some questions to ask. If so, make yourself available. But remember to try not to ‘read into’ any of the questions and begin prying.

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