When Your Teen is Molested

Being molested is by far one of the most devastating things that can happen to anyone. Regardless of how well the child/teen seems to be doing afterward, the psychological damage is always great, and rarely completely overcome.

Depending on the circumstances of the molestation the child/teen can develop an aversion for anything or any place that reminds them of the trauma they have suffered. For instance if they were molested by a church member they may have panic attacks at the thought of having to go to church. Or if it took place at school they may go into hysterical or emotional outbursts when expected to go back to class.

If the molestation took place in the home, i.e. in the child's bed for instance, the teen/child may develop an aversion to going to bed, experience traumatic nightmares or develop sleep disorders such as insomnia or chronic fatigue.

In the case of a bedroom molestation it is helpful to allow the child to change rooms and to get a new mattress rather than to subject them to re-traumatization day after day. But in situations where the molestation took place outside of the home - in a place where the child needs to continue to be present - it is important that the parent understand that giving in to their cries and hysterics is actually hurtful and can lead to permanent phobias and other mental illness.

Every time a child is allowed to avoid a situation which brings up memories of the trauma the brain reinforces their fear, eventually creating a synaptic pathway in the brain that prevents them from getting past their emotional blockage. They become emotionally crippled, forever terrified of religion, education, people, etc. They can develop paranoia, agoraphobia, panic disorders, depression and other mental disorders.

The parent of a victimized child can help heal their child/teen by helping them differentiate between the bad experience and the events that surrounded it. Don't allow your pity for the child to over-shadow your responsibility as the parent to help ease them back into society and the normalcy they so desperately need. After a traumatic experience it is unwise to allow the victim to make decisions about their life, especially if it includes withdrawing from life to any degree. The adult, the parent needs to be the one who makes the decisions. They need to see that the child get back into the swing of things as soon as possible.

Of course, a traumatized child needs to have a safe place where they can go to spew the poisonous venom that has been force upon them. They need a professional, someone who is trained in treating traumatized kids, to help them work through their frazzled emotions and debilitating fears. Again, don't ask them if they would like to go into counseling, tell them that this is the plan, and make it as easy for them as you can.

Children should never be put in a place of having to make adult decisions, and a traumatized child is far to overwhelmed to be made responsible for deciding what is best for them. Nurture them rather than coddle them.

Warning Signs Of an Abusive Boyfriend

Teen girls are often easily controlled by their emotions and their heart instead of using their head. This can lead to getting themselves into troublesome relationships that can change their life for the worse. It is up to you, the parent, to get to know the boys your daughter is interested in and to set boundaries for her regarding dating, sex and self control. Help her learn to recognize the early warning signs of trouble before she gets in too deep with the wrong guy.

Here are the warning signs that your daughter may be in a relationship with an abuser:

* She rationalizes or apologizes for his behavior.
* She loses interest in friends and activities that she used to enjoy.
* She stops spending as much time with friends or family members.
* She becomes more isolated spending most or her spare time with him.
* He calls her names and denigrates her in front of other's.
* He becomes jealous of others who pay attention to her, especially other guys.
* He believes that you don't like him and uses this to form an alliance with her, against you.
* He controls her behavior, checking up on her constantly, calling and paging her, demanding to know who she has been with.
* He tells her how to dress, where she is allowed to go, who she is allowed to talk to.
* She casually mentions his violent behavior, but laughs it off as a joke.
* She often has unexplained injuries, or the explanations she offers for bruises or pain don't make sense.
* You see him violently lose his temper, striking or breaking objects.
* He has a history of being violent with others.
* He has unhappy or severed relationships with family members.
* At least one close family member has been in trouble with the law for abuse of another.
* He wants to talk your daughter into leaving home before her time to be with him.
* He drinks to excess or uses illegal drugs.
* He has children by other women and does not take responsibility for them.

If your daughter is already in a relationship with the wrong boy, it is imperative that you do whatever you can to save her from a potentially deadly relationship.

For more information on the profiles of abusers go to http://www.psych-net.com/abuse.html

Dealing With Teens That Act Out

Frequently a parent will come to me, exasperated and tell me about how their teenager has suddenly become someone they don’t recognize anymore. The individual stories range dramatically from failing grades, hyper sexuality, stealing, and drugs or just about anything a teen can think of to get into trouble with authority figures. More often than not, the confused parent feels helpless to change the situation, and also feels guilt for contributing to the problem in some way.

Although the answer to their questions is simple, implementing change is not. For most parents the first line of attack is discipline. And while discipline is necessary most of the time, it is not enough to stop the bad behavior from continuing. The reason for this is that discipline only addresses the outwardly noticeable symptoms of the teen’s problem.

Teens are still children, and like children they haven’t developed sufficient skills to recognize, label and verbalize their most intense feelings. So when they are feeling overcome with fear, rejection, or self loathing, they express the intensity of their feelings in a venue that allows equal emotional release, such as breaking the law, giving up in school or becoming promiscuous.

Consequently, discipline isn’t enough. If a parent is to re-direct their teen once they have started down a destructive path, it is vital that they search for the underlying cause of the teen’s emotional pain. To do this effectively the parent has to be willing to look at their own behavior and life choices and how those choices may have contributed to the teen’s behavior. Introspection requires a little humility but remember this isn’t about you it is about saving your teen from self destruction.

Common themes to look for are:
• Recent loss of a family member or friend (separation, divorce, death)
• Changing schools
• Experiencing an abusive or otherwise traumatic event(s)
• Re-marriage or introduction of a new adult in the home
• Illness of a parent (including alcoholism, physical and/or mental illness)
• Feeling like the family’s scapegoat
• Over protective, over controlling parent (set up for rebellion)
• Not fitting in with peers
• Onset of emotional or mental illness (feeling like they are going crazy)

Finding time to frequently talk with your teen is essential if you are to help them open up emotionally. One great conversation just won’t do it. The teen will feel safer once a pattern of openness has been established. When you are talking be careful not to appear as if you are trying to pry out information. Teens are very astute listeners and will detect a trap as soon as they feel threatened. Validate their feelings instead of trying to change them. This isn’t lecture time; it is sharing time; time to create bonds and a safe place to express oneself.

And be honest about how you have influenced their life emotionally. If you started dating again after the loss of their father, be willing to acknowledge how that has brought up intense feelings in the teen. Don’t attempt to justify yourself, or your choices. Remember, this isn’t about you!

Teens act out because they haven’t learned the tools to deal with life’s difficulties in a mature, productive manner. Be an example to your teen. Help him/her learn how to deal with life by observing your behaviors.

In extreme cases if your teen is engaging in activity that is illegal or has a potential to become destructive to self or others, it may be necessary to involve the juvenile justice system or a community rehabilitation center. This is not a good time to be in denial. Your denial will only validate your teen’s denial. If you wait until legal authorities are forced to take over you will have lost precious time and your teen will have lost much more. Now is the time to step up and be the parent. Be the one willing to take charge and get something done. Your teen may protest now, but eventually, s/he will be grateful they had a parent that was willing to drop everything to come to their rescue.

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