Step Families and Holiday Happiness

Step families can be frustrating at best. But during the holiday season it can be downright irritating.

There is the stress of remembering who is staying where on what day. Add to that the chaos of trying to combine differing family traditions and the anxiety of determining who is responsible for buying gifts for each person in each family. Do you invite the ex to join you in the festivities? What about the former step children whom you briefly parented? Do you still buy them gifts or invite them to family functions? It's enough to make you wish you were an atheist.

Prepare yourself. If you are going to spend time alone while your children are with the other parent plan ahead and arrange to be with other people you love. Plan a treat for yourself like a spa day or a trip to the country. Pamper yourself instead of falling into despair while the kids are away.

Have realistic expectations. Holidays for a step-family are going to be different. By accepting that and adjusting your expectations will help you get emotionally prepared. During the holidays children can be reminded that their parent's aren’t together anymore. These reminders can bring up emotions such as loss, guilt or anger. By remembering that a step-family is different from a biological family you can create new traditions and rituals that are unique to your step-family.

Be flexible. Be willing to arrange times when your family can celebrate together, even if it’s before or after the holiday’s date. Children need to be with both of their biological parents, be sensitive to thatt.

Just because it's a holiday doesn't mean that everyone will suddenly be merry and bright. All of the unresolved issues that plagued the family prior to the special event will still be there today. Forget trying to get everyone under the same roof with the expectation of a Hallmark moment.

Step families can work if everyone involved has their eye set on compromise, acceptance and forgiveness. Otherwise, you may as well plan for some difficult moments. Remember that you cannot control anyone but yourself. Take extra care to do just that.

Teenagers - The Spice of Family Life

I love teenagers. My children's teenage years were some of my favorite. Perhaps that is because deep sown inside of me there is still a hint of rebellion, imaginative fantasy and moments of unexplainable moodiness. Sure there were moments of anguish and intense stress, but overall, having a house full of teens is just plain fun.

So when I hear people warning young parents about their upcoming decades of agony once their kids hit their teen years, I want to intervene. I want to tell parents to relax and to look forward to their children discovering their talents, experiencing puppy love and growing into adults.

I want to tell them to stay close, but not too close; to savor spending time just talking with -not at- them. And I want to remind them that if they work hard at forming strong, loving bonds with their children while young, that the job of parenting them once they become teenagers will be so much easier.

So instead of worrying about those teen years, just focus on creating and maintaining a strong, close family now. The strength of your family ties can make the difference between loving or dreading those teen years.

School Massacre in Finland

In southern Finland on Wednesday, an 18-year-old student opened fire in his high school killing eight people and himself in a shooting spree that stunned the Nordic country.

News reports about the shooting have focused on everything from gun control to the need for You Tube censorship. Some even blame the US. It is ridiculous.

I haven't been able to find anything written about the young man's family life or his mental health history, but I imagine that those two factors played the largest role in his decision to kill himself in this way.

Sometimes I find it hard to understand why educated journalists feel the need to stretch so far in an attempt to sensationalize the truth. Isn't the truth newsworthy enough?

My heart goes out to all those who have been effected by this tragedy. I will leave it at that.

Teens and Holiday Plans

Has your normally bubbly, playful and affectionate child turned into a mumbling, withdrawn and secretive teenager? Does s/he now hide behind headphones blasting rock music into the deepest recesses of their brain? Does your teen communicate only by cell phone or online? Finding yourself a parent of a teen can feel like a rude awakening - especially when you are planning a family trip for the holidays.

Here are a few tips for successful holiday planning with teenagers:

* Include your teen in the decision-making process you may be pleasantly surprised at the maturity of their opinions.
* Make sure there are plenty of options and activities to keep your teen interested and entertained.
* Never expect anyone older than 10 to eat at the "kids table.".
* Teenagers want to be as relaxed and as undisciplined as the adults. Allow them the freedom to sleep in, stay up late, play hours of video games or to just listen to their tunes - this is supposed to be their holiday too.
* If all else fails, give them some money and take them to the mall to do holiday shopping. Of course I don't recommend allowing them to run amok unsupervised unless they are in the latter half of their teen years - and then they should be providing their own money.
* Let them eat what they like. This is no time for nagging about good health and nutrition.
* Never ask your teen how they liked the trip unless you are prepared to hear about what they didn't like. Let them be honest without taking offense.
* Let go of control. The point of having family get-togethers is supposed to be to enjoy each other's company, relax, and to create happy family memories. Don't mess it all up by attempting to hold onto rules with an iron fist.

Take solace in knowing that soon it will be January and they will be back in school - having not done their homework.

Is Sex Between Step-Siblings Wrong?

I was asked an interesting question the other day:

"Is it considered incest if adult step-siblings have sex?"

Before answering I had to first set aside my personal moral stance and think through the question. I personally know two couples who are adult step-siblings and are also married to each other. So, obviously the legal answer to the question is no, it isn't considered incest in the eyes of the law.

In the two cases that I mentioned above, all 4 step-siblings met as adults when their parents began dating each other. They didn't grow up together and they never had a sibling-type relationship.

In the case of younger, underage kids I think the moral dilemma is evident. In my opinion, if the kids were in a family setting and were treated like siblings then having an intimate relationship, even as adults, should be out of the question. The judgment call cannot be made on blood-ties alone. Otherwise adopted siblings and foster siblings could be considered potential sexual partners.

What is your opinion?

Gay, Straight or Promiscuous - Who Can You Love?

I was flipping through the channels late one night when I came across a talk show that peeked my interest. A 16 year old girl who's mother had abandoned her at age nine was telling her mother how the pain of being left behind had been a factor in her early drug use and promiscuity. She even had the courage to tell her mother how she had turned to prostitution at age 13 to support her drug habit.

Through all of this her mother (who had had several affairs while married to her daughter's father) held the teens' hand and professed her love and support. She even intimated that she would not abandon her again.

At the suggestion of the host the girl told her mother that she presently had a girlfriend. She explained that after years of being abused by men, "it just felt more natural."

Her mother dropped her daughters' hand as if the girl had declared herself a leper. Her middle aged face hardened and she recoiled. The daughter, desperate for her mother's love and approval quickly stated that the two had just been going out and that they hadn't actually "done anything yet."

The mother's face softened a bit, and then she turned to the host and said "I just can't accept her with this. It isn't right, it is against my beliefs." I sat their on my couch analyzing the situation. Of course I was struck with the conditional requirements of the mother's love and the irony of her hypocrisy. My heart bled for this young girl.

But on a deeper level I understood that the girls' confession to her mother was more a tactic than an attempt to "come clean." She had been abandoned and forgotten for years. Although her mother professed her commitment to remain in her life, this time, she had not yet obtained the daughter's trust. What the teen really wanted to know is just how far she could push against the grain before her mother recanted. And unfortunately, or not, she found that boundary.

Our teens need our pure, unconditional love and support regardless of their lifestyle. They need to know that we will always be there for them. They need to be able to trust that our love for them is not dependent on what they do, but on who they are - our precious child.

Teens, Technology & Titillating Temptations

Some parents just don't want to be bothered with what their teenager is doing behind their back. But for those of us who want to know just how responsible our teen is behind the wheel or who wish they had a way of tracking their teen the future is upon us.

According to an article on Slashdot A Japanese firm has created new technology that enables GPS units to be embedded in clothing that will enable the wearer to be tracked continuously, even by video or on mobile devices. A mom could track her teens activities from her cell phone or from her computer at work.

If that isn't enough, most parents these days have heard of the devices that can keep a log of how fast their teen is driving, but if that isn't enough, check out the newest models at youthdrivingsafe.org that not only tell you their speed but will enable you to remotely turn off the car engine, flash the lights and honk the horn, get instant notification if your teen goes somewhere you have made off limits and find their exact location.

In the world of high tech toys and titillating teen temptations, parents are well advised to keep up with the age of technology and be willing to use whatever means necessary to keep their teen safe.

Monkey See, Monkey Do - Parenting by Example

No parent is perfect. And largely due to that fact, no child is perfect either. Several years ago I had a family as clients. They initially sent their teenage son to me to be fixed. After only a few sessions it was apparent to me that the parents needed help as well. They agreed and we started couple counseling in addition to individual therapy for their son.

After about 3 months of intense counseling, the father dangled a metaphoric carrot in front of his son "to tempt him" and to "see if he had been cured by therapy."

After discovering that his son had indeed given in to temptation the father called me, and in a rage he rationalized his desire to disown his son because of his "deceptive behavior and his obvious willingness to disregard what he had been told in therapy." The father was not only sabotaging his son's grown and progress, but he was expecting more out of his son than he was expecting from himself.

This may sound like an extreme case but I see less obvious examples like this in most of the families that I counsel. Parents tell their children not to steal and then they taste the grapes at the grocery store, fudge on their taxes and bring home office supplies from work. They punish their teen for lying then turn around and lie about their age or falsify a resume. They ground their teen for getting a speeding ticket and yet they rarely stick to the speed limit themselves.

Our kids learn the majority of their life lessons at home. And through the example of the parent the child learns what the family values really are. If the parent gives little respect to the sanctity of marriage the child is likely to grow up believing that marriage is a burden or even unnecessary. If the parent gets physical when angry, the child is likely to internalize violence as a coping skill.

As parents we need to become acutely aware of how we live our life. Because like it or not, everything from the language we use to the behaviors we rationalize are being absorbed and internalized by our children. We need to live the life we want our children to emulate.

Paris Hilton, Britney, Teen Idols? Please!

Paris Hilton, born into wealth - Britney Spears, forced into pop culture before she was ready to deal with it's pitfalls - Sports idols, thrust into a world of money and fame, doing drugs, torturing dogs, and disrespecting women. These are often the very people our teens look up to and aspire to emulate.

What is a parent to do? To some degree you have to expect that your child will look outside of the home to find people living a life that they admire and desire. As a teenager the walls of my bedroom were covered with pictures of Davey Jones, Paul McCartney and other popular entertainers. It was a normal phase of development that didn't damage me.

However, today's world is filled with teen idols that have less than exemplary and very public lives. Everyday I see teenage girls who spend exorbitant amounts of their parent's money trying to create an image that equals their wealthy and maladjusted idols. It is becoming common for these girls to feel entitled to their parent's money, money from lenders that they don't intend to pay back and from society in general. Although, as a parent you may not feel empowered to do anything about it, the fact is that you can take control of your own child and stop the behavior.

Teaching your child the necessity to work for their pay is the best way of helping them grow into a monetarily responsible adult who appreciates what they have earned. This can begin as soon as your child is old enough to start asking for candy at the grocery store. But if your teenager has skipped this level of development, it is not too late to stop feeding their demise with money.

Talk with your teen and let them know that you have made a tragic error in judgment regarding how liberal you have been with them. Let them know that you are making a change and that you will no longer give in to their crying, whining or threatening behaviors. You, as the parent, MUST realize that it is your job to teach your child how to fend for themselves. It is far more critical to your child's wellbeing that you be assertive and consistent instead of worrying about being your child's best friend.

Goth, Piercings and Other Teen Fashions

Teens, as cool as they try to be, are very self conscious. Fitting in while attempting to be unique and individual is a very tough tightrope to walk. Ask a teen why she suddenly began to dress all in black, dye her hair orange or pierce her lip and she will likely tell you that she is just being herself. Then you look at her group of friends and see that they all look alike and you wonder.

Here is the basic truth. Teens are so completely focused on themselves that they believe that the rest of the world is focused on them as well. They haven't yet figured out that their peers are also intensely focused on themselves and not them. Consequently they have to devise coping mechanisms to help them survive their perceived scrutiny from the world.

One of the ways they deal with being the center of the world is to attempt to take control of the situation themselves. Subconsciously they figure, "If everyone is going to stare at me anyway I might as well give them something to stare at." By doing this they can tell themselves that people are looking at them because of their fashion sense, and this helps them to discard fears that people look at them because there is something wrong them.

Not all teens take this approach. Generally teens that feel secure about who they are are less likely to feel the need to control the world around them. Teens who have a happy home-life, who don't feel overly controlled by their parents are less likely to act out in extreme ways.

Virginia Tech Murder Suicide can Trigger Copy-Cat Behavior

Teenagers can be both impressionable and impetuous. And a troubled teenager can be sent over the edge after witnessing news reports about a terrible tragedy such as the mass murder and suicide that occurred Monday at Virginia Tech. It is therefore imperative that every parent of a teenager be especially attentive to their teens' mood and habits for the next several weeks.

What worries me is that the intense coverage of this horrible event will give some mentally challenged teen the rational to commit a copy-cat suicide. For everyone who reads this, who knows a teenager who has had a history of suicide, depression or other emotional difficulties, please stay close to your teen and don't be too slow to arrange help for him, especially if he seems affected by the murder-suicide in Virginia this week.

Here are some signs to watch for:

If you see any of these danger signs, call a doctor, mental health clinic or suicide hotline immediately:

1. Pacing,
2. agitated behavior,
3. frequent mood changes,
4. sleeplessness for several nights.
5. Actions or threats of assault, physical harm or violence.
6. Delusions or hallucinations, such as hearing voices.
7. Threats or talk of death or suicide, such as "I don’t care any more," or "You won’t need to worry about me much longer."
8. Withdrawal from activities and relationships.
9. Putting affairs in order, such as saying good-bye to friends, giving away prized possessions or writing a will.
10. A sudden brightening of mood after a period of being depressed.
11. Unusually risky behavior, such as buying or handling a gun or driving recklessly.

For more on suicide, depression and other mental disorders go to psych-net.com

Who's Your Daddy? When Parentage is in Question

It is not uncommon for a man to adopt his new wifes children, especially if the children are very young and have developed a good relationship with their new step-father. And, unfortunately, it is becoming more common that the expectant mother doesn't know the paternity of her unborn child. Thus more and more children are growing up without knowing who their biological father is.

So, what's a mother to do when her children believe one man to be their father, but the mother knows that someone else was the sperm donor? Of course, as with most complicated issues, the answer is "It depends."

Seriously though, you have to ponder the question "How will my child benefit by knowing the truth?" In many cases, the sperm donor has had little or no contact with the child throughout his/her life. And if the person acting in the role of "father" has adopted the child, there may be nothing much to tell.

Children need to feel loved and secure in their home and in their place in the world and churning calm waters with information that may upset the healthy balance in the home may create feelings and situations that are far too adult for a young child to have to deal with. Wait until the child is an adult, and then, if the subject comes up, tell the truth.

Be sure to phrase what you say in a way that will help the teenager realize that you were doing what was best for him/her. If you got pregnant because you were young and stupid, admit that to your child as a lesson in waiting for the right person to come into their life at a more mature age.

If you are a single mother and your child is asking about their biological father, take their age into consideration and answer clearly and directly adding no more information than what was specified in the question. Again, be honest and use the opportunity to create a learning moment for the child.

Helping the child see your remorse for making bad choices at a young age can help them decide to make different choices for themselves. Of course, never belittle their father or speak about him in hateful ways. That will only damage the child's sense of identity (by identifying with the absent father). Instead, Help the child understand that their biological father made mistakes too and hopefully he is trying to make good choices now. This helps the child realize that he/she can also recover from mistakes in life.

Remember this isn't about you. This is about your child and knowing how to help them assimilate their complicated life in a way that teaches them something positive.

Turning Children into Psychopaths

An interesting study has recently come out showing the genetic and non-genetic factors that come together to create a teenager who is anti-social.

Anti-Social Personality Disorder has, in the recent past, been called Sociopathology, Psychopathology and it is a diagnosis which the afflicted must deal with for the rest of their life. There is no cure.

This study definitively showed that children (specifically boys) were much more likely to develop psychopathology when raised in a home with much negativity, and there was minimal affection or open displays of intimacy between family members.

Children who did not have a genetic predisposition for mental illness still developed into Sociopaths by the time they were between 15 to 18 years of age. Younger children were still acting out early warning signs of becoming sociopaths later in life.

So regardless of how your family chooses to express affection, it is vital that the parents get over their own fears of closeness and intimacy and begin to show regular affection toward their children. Just as important is that the habitual negativity in the home needs to be immediately stopped, and replaced with positive thoughts, behaviors and activities.

Having a warm loving home with positive encouragement for all the family members is essential to raising children who will feel empathy for others, who will be proud to be a member of his own family. Positivity creates positivity. And negativity creates negative and unhappy families.

Incarcerated Teen Parents

The youth prison system in Phoenix Arizona recently began a program to teach their incarcerated teenage fathers how to be better parents. Their 12 week program teaches both the teens and their toddlers about empathy, communication, and compromise, to help prevent the development of violence later in life.

One person commented on an article about the program saying "Don't encourage them to breed." I understand that most of the public is ignorant about such things, but let me take this opportunity to inform you that a large percentage of incarcerated teens are already parents. And those who find themselves in the juvenile jail system will be released before they are legal adults. Those who have been convicted of the most violent crimes will still be released by the age of 21. So the likelihood of them becoming parents at some point is very high.

Consequently, regardless of how you may feel about the current laws regarding teen offenders, isn't it better to educate them about how to be a successful parent? In my experience, even the toughest looking teen offenders can feel deep and enduring love for their children. And just like the rest of us, most of them want their children to grow up happy and healthy. Why not give them an opportunity to turn their life around for the sake of their children?

Agree or Disagree?

Warning Signs Of an Abusive Boyfriend

Teen girls are often easily controlled by their emotions and their heart instead of using their head. This can lead to getting themselves into troublesome relationships that can change their life for the worse. It is up to you, the parent, to get to know the boys your daughter is interested in and to set boundaries for her regarding dating, sex and self control. Help her learn to recognize the early warning signs of trouble before she gets in too deep with the wrong guy.

Here are the warning signs that your daughter may be in a relationship with an abuser:

* She rationalizes or apologizes for his behavior.
* She loses interest in friends and activities that she used to enjoy.
* She stops spending as much time with friends or family members.
* She becomes more isolated spending most or her spare time with him.
* He calls her names and denigrates her in front of other's.
* He becomes jealous of others who pay attention to her, especially other guys.
* He believes that you don't like him and uses this to form an alliance with her, against you.
* He controls her behavior, checking up on her constantly, calling and paging her, demanding to know who she has been with.
* He tells her how to dress, where she is allowed to go, who she is allowed to talk to.
* She casually mentions his violent behavior, but laughs it off as a joke.
* She often has unexplained injuries, or the explanations she offers for bruises or pain don't make sense.
* You see him violently lose his temper, striking or breaking objects.
* He has a history of being violent with others.
* He has unhappy or severed relationships with family members.
* At least one close family member has been in trouble with the law for abuse of another.
* He wants to talk your daughter into leaving home before her time to be with him.
* He drinks to excess or uses illegal drugs.
* He has children by other women and does not take responsibility for them.

If your daughter is already in a relationship with the wrong boy, it is imperative that you do whatever you can to save her from a potentially deadly relationship.

For more information on the profiles of abusers go to http://www.psych-net.com/abuse.html

Mentally Ill Teens & You

According to the Health Behavior News Service "New research suggests that Americans are more likely to socially reject children and teens with mental illness than they are those with physical illnesses such as asthma."

Without naming the mental illness' the poll asked people if they would want a kid with certain symptoms to live next door to them; or if they would want their child going over to the ill kid's house for the evening.

The results were hardly surprising. Only parents with kids of their own who were suffering with mental illness' such as ADHD or Depression had any empathy for other kids with mental health issues.

Realistically taking a poll can't give us an accurate view of how people react to troubled kids. Of course in a perfect world all of our neighbors would be perfect, regardless of how "crazy" we might be. But in the real world, nearly everyone has a neighbor or two who is suffering with mental illness, and the only ones who are negatively effected is the person who is ill and their closest family and friends.

Truth is, most of the "trouble" caused by kids is caused by those who are not mentally ill. Most juvenile delinquency in America is caused by kids who were parentally neglected, emotionally and psychologically scarred by their life's difficulties and those who have been seriously misguided or abused.

Before we throw our teenage neighbors under the bus, let's first educate ourselves about mental illness and learn how we can have empathy for those who are effected by it. Even better, find a way to help your mentally ill neighbors by befriending and helping them. Love and friendship is ultimately the best medicine for the lonely and forlorn.

Teens - Take Control of Your Own Life

One of the most difficult things for a teen to do is to look deep inside themselves and figure out who they are. And yet this is the reason for the teen years, to discover what path you want to follow in life. Peers can offer teens the instant gratification of feeing accepted and "normal," and they can also help you make decisions about who you will eventually become. But often the choices your friends offer you are detrimental to your future happiness.

Close your eyes and imagine an adult that you admire; imagine their personality, their best qualities and the positive ways they structure their life. What qualities does this person have that you would like to have? How can you begin to develop these traits? Once you have identified the type of qualities you want to develop write them down so that you can remember them, especially when things get rough. Make a commitment to conduct your life in a way that will help you become the person you've designed for yourself. When you are confronted with peer pressure, remember this exercise and make choices according to who you want to be.

Your friends may or may not have the ability to see what is best for you in the long run. Most teens don't. Every time you give in to peer pressure, you loose a little piece of yourself. And you get closer to forgetting how to make decisions based on your own desires rather than on the desires of others. Take control of your life, create your own power and be assertive. It will pay off.

Teen Suicide up 18% Says Latest Research

According to a new study that came out earlier this month from the Pediatrics Journal of Medicine there has been a serious increase in suicides among teenagers in the last few years. Speculation is that the increase in suicides is connected to the recent media and FDA reports stating that certain antidepressant drugs can cause some teenagers to feel suicidal. However since those drugs are no longer being offered to teenagers suffering with depression, the suicide rate has increased by 18%. And that is totally unacceptable.

It is true that Prozac may have ill effects on some children, but there are so many new antidepressant drugs available now that it is bad medicine to throw the baby out with the bath water and refuse to offer any type of medicinal help for these suffering teens. Those who are now a part of that 18% statistic may have found help in other, safer drugs. If their family, friends, and doctors had been willing to start them on a drug that was safe for them, those children might still be alive today.

Today my soap box includes frustration at huge conglomerates like the FDA making life and death decisions based on insufficient studies and then globalizing their findings to include all available medications. They make policies and laws to prevent the public from getting the right help, the best help, for them.

I'm a parent first, and if my child needed a drug that might save his life, I would do whatever was in my power to get the right doctor and the best treatment avbailable. The FDA for all the good they do, have in my opinion really messed one up here.

Full article about the research is here.

A Parents Guide to Teen Dating

Let's face it, your teenager is going to be dating soon and you are going to have to deal with all that comes with that. Transitioning from parenting a child to parenting a teenager is hard enough without having to think about how they will conduct themselves on a date. But hopefully you have prepared them well enough and your worries will be minor ones. Here are 3 tips to help you through this next phase of parenting.

1. Teenagers do not know how to date.
A teen does not learn how to date in the classroom and most likely has only picked up on some of the basics, like respecting someone’s personal space, at home. But they haven’t learned the ins and outs of a give and take relationship yet. They will be learning this as they date, and ‘on the job’ type of training. You can reinforce the values that concern dating and relationships by discussing them with your teenager and modeling them with your spouse or significant other. Do not be afraid to bring up these issues. Do not feel that they are not important. Teens that are taught values are important will look for dates with similar good values. That is who you want your teen dating, right?

2. Teens whose parents talk to them about dating are better prepared and happier.
You want your teenager to grow up happy, so remember that happiness in life is found in the journey. While the topic of teens and dating can make the most confident parent nervous, you should do your best not to project those anxious feelings when discussing dating - and the rules and limits of dating - with your teen. Relax and have informative dating conversations that will strengthen your relationship with your teen and empower you both to enjoy this part of their life.

3. Your teen will need privacy.
As parents, we are not very comfortable not knowing what is going on in our child’s life. But as your teen starts to date, you will need to take a step back and not try to know ‘everything’. You may at first have a hard time and feel like something is wrong. That is normal – your parenting role is changing. Change always feels awkward at first. On the other hand, your teenager may want to chat about the experience. He/she may have some questions to ask. If so, make yourself available. But remember to try not to ‘read into’ any of the questions and begin prying.

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Teens Need to Feel Accepted

Although living with a teen can be energizing and great fun, at times it can feel like never-ending work. There are the ups and downs that accompany a constantly changing human being to deal with; and of course there are worries about worldly influence that can make a parent age prematurely.

One thing that seems to be a part of raising any teenager is learning how to love them even when they profess to neither want or need it. Truth is, they both want and need it. Underneath their independent, bravado exterior is the kid that you have always known and loved. They just no longer want you to notice their vulnerability or their never-ending need for your acceptance and appreciation.

This is a critical time in life for both you and your teen. This is the time to change how you show your appreciation for them by making extra efforts to recognize their newly developing talents and personality. Let them know what it is about them that you really like. You don't need to make a show of it, just a simple remark in passing once in a while will do. Your teen will probably grumble in response, but those positive validations will sink deep into their sense of self.

It is so easy to be critical of their ever-changing hair style and the way they twist and distort language, but you have to remember that this too will pass. They won't be a teen forever and the things you now find so distasteful will soon be replaced - with other things you find distasteful.

And such is life. You and your parents probably don't see eye-to-eye on everything either, but you still love each other in spite of your differences. As long as your teen isn't self destructing, or hurting anyone else in their growing process, it's best to pick as few battles as possible. Let them know that you see them in their path toward independence and that you still love them.

Tomorrow you will wake up and discover that your teen has become an adult; and hopefully, your new best friend.

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Teen Violence - A Parenting Dilema

Three female teens from a public school in Long Island have been under investigation for battery and harassment due to videotaping themselves while beating up a 13 year old girl from a private school. The case came into the spotlight when the video was made public on You-Tube and 2 other public video sites. The girls reportedly had words “about a boy” earlier on My Space which led the 3 older teens to plan an attack on the younger teen.

Scenes like this have become all too common in today’s technological era. But are videophones and the internet to blame? Hardly.

Today on Larry King Live, 4 professionals were interviewed regarding the issue and all agreed that the parents of the 3 teens need to take some responsibility for the violent and criminal actions of their daughters. Most of today’s teens have access to cell phones and the internet but only a certain percentage of them use these devices to commit crimes.

Gone are the fantasies of the 80’s which touted that a parent can be just as effective from the office as from home. Studies are repeatedly showing that kids who are raised by two working parents are far more likely to engage in criminal behaviors than those who have at least one parent who stays at home to raise them.

Too often parents believe that they can go back to work once their child hits the teen years. Not so. Teens are especially vulnerable to depression, feelings of abandonment and anger, and they need the frequent interaction and assurance of a stay-at-home parent to help them feel secure in their confusing and insecure world.

If your teen is acting out, it is a clear sign that s/he is angry. And it takes a responsible parent to be able to understand what role they may be playing in their child’s anger. Healing the feelings of your child may require changes in your family’s lifestyle, but in the end it will be worth every effort.

Photo Source: http://www.boston.com

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Teens and Consequences - How to Make Parenting Easier

My teen knows what the consequence will be for bad behavior...
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	for most things
	never
pollcode.com

The effectiveness of your house rules can be greatly increased if both you and your teen know, without a doubt, what the consequences will be for every infraction.

The best way to make sure that everyone knows what the consequences will be is to routinely have family meetings to reiterate the rules and the consequences for breaking those rules. That way your teen understands that when they choose to break a rule they are also choosing a particular consequence.

Another way to ensure that the teen chooses not to break rules is to include them in deciding what the consequences will be. If they are the ones who suggested what the consequences should be they won’t be able to argue with you about not being “fair.”

Studies have shown that the consequences they choose are almost always stiffer than what the parent would have chosen. So when they suggest a consequence it may win you bonus points to point that out and to settle on something appropriate but not quite as punishing.

Also, help guide them to think of consequences that are related to the infraction so that they will understand that you aren’t just trying to “punish” them, but that you are attempting to help them learn a healthy life lesson. Why not take steps to make parenting less difficult? Try it, you’ll like it!

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Balance Between Helping and Interfering

More often than not, teenagers resent unsolicited advice or attention. They need to be left alone to a greater degree than when they were young, to find their own way in life. And they need to feel capable of finding their own way without too much parental intervention. Although the teens' physical boundaries need to be respected, learning to do so is often difficult.

It is hard to stop hugging them every time they leave the house, or to expect a kiss at bedtime. But in order to allow the teen to learn how much affection is right for them, pulling back is what we need to do. Eventually they will come to us when they need a hug or a listening ear.

On the other hand, teenagers do appreciate their parent's opinions and counsel - when it is solicited. The trick is learning how to know when and when not, to offer advice. This requires listening skills. Learning how to listen to teenagers can make the difference between helping and preaching. A simple rule to remember is to offer advice only when you are asked for it.

A recent study indicated that teens spend 40% of their leisure time with peers, and only 10% of their time with parents and family members. The study also showed that although teens talk to their peers about almost everything, they still prefer talking to parents about moral or ethical dilemmas. Although these findings may not be surprising, it is interesting to note that although our teens may not spend as much time with us, they still want us to help them with the critical issues in their life.

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