Who's Your Daddy? When Parentage is in Question

It is not uncommon for a man to adopt his new wifes children, especially if the children are very young and have developed a good relationship with their new step-father. And, unfortunately, it is becoming more common that the expectant mother doesn't know the paternity of her unborn child. Thus more and more children are growing up without knowing who their biological father is.

So, what's a mother to do when her children believe one man to be their father, but the mother knows that someone else was the sperm donor? Of course, as with most complicated issues, the answer is "It depends."

Seriously though, you have to ponder the question "How will my child benefit by knowing the truth?" In many cases, the sperm donor has had little or no contact with the child throughout his/her life. And if the person acting in the role of "father" has adopted the child, there may be nothing much to tell.

Children need to feel loved and secure in their home and in their place in the world and churning calm waters with information that may upset the healthy balance in the home may create feelings and situations that are far too adult for a young child to have to deal with. Wait until the child is an adult, and then, if the subject comes up, tell the truth.

Be sure to phrase what you say in a way that will help the teenager realize that you were doing what was best for him/her. If you got pregnant because you were young and stupid, admit that to your child as a lesson in waiting for the right person to come into their life at a more mature age.

If you are a single mother and your child is asking about their biological father, take their age into consideration and answer clearly and directly adding no more information than what was specified in the question. Again, be honest and use the opportunity to create a learning moment for the child.

Helping the child see your remorse for making bad choices at a young age can help them decide to make different choices for themselves. Of course, never belittle their father or speak about him in hateful ways. That will only damage the child's sense of identity (by identifying with the absent father). Instead, Help the child understand that their biological father made mistakes too and hopefully he is trying to make good choices now. This helps the child realize that he/she can also recover from mistakes in life.

Remember this isn't about you. This is about your child and knowing how to help them assimilate their complicated life in a way that teaches them something positive.