Overcoming Despair, and Holiday Blues

Depression is different than feelings of despair in that it may last longer and/or is more intense than despair. However, treating despair and treating depression have some similarities.

Despair often results from a faulty interpretation of an experience. For instance when something goes wrong you tell yourself that the situation is hopeless or that the situation is beyond repair. The fastest way out of despair is to redefine the situation. Instead of allowing your negative thoughts to dictate your feelings, train yourself to define the situation in a way that does not include exaggerated language. You might say to yourself "OK, this is bad, but it's not the end of the world."

Despair, no matter how intense, will not last forever. All feelings have a way of fading with time. Think back to another time when you felt like the world would end and realize that, in fact, it didn't. It may be difficult, but you will get through this too.

If you have feelings of despair following this advice may be just the medicine you need to get you back on track.

Smile: It sounds silly, but studies have shown that even a fake smile produces "feel good" chemicals (endorphins) in your brain. Go find a mirror and force yourself to smile for at least five minutes. If you’re not laughing by then, go outside and smile at strangers. It may sound strange, but it works. Do it.

Exercise: A good swift walk around the block or 15 minutes of aerobics will stimulate your brains’ "feel good" chemicals alleviating your negative mood. Work in the garden, vigorously clean the house or just go for a 20 minute walk every day, the difference will surprise you.

Keep a journal: Recent research has shown that writing about your despair doesn’t alleviate it. However, making daily lists of those things for which you are grateful can make a dramatic difference in your mood. Every day write down three things that you are grateful for, then write down one thing that you like about yourself.

Do a good deed: It sounds simple but it is a very important part of dealing with despair and depression. Studies confirm that when you step outside of yourself, and spend time helping others, you begin to leave your own issues behind; negativity is soon replaced with happiness and self pity is replaced with the uplifting feelings that come with helping others. Start small, bring cookies to a friend or take your teenager to lunch.

Caffeine can cause despair to worsen. Reduce or delete caffeine from your diet. And last but not least, make room in your day for 20 minutes of sunshine. It sounds simple but decades of research have proven that doing these two things will make a marked difference in your ability to cope with despair.

You are ultimately in control of your emotions and your life. The choices you make today will determine your tomorrow.

Teens, Voting and our Hope for the Future

How often do you hear people say they don’t want to be told what to do? Young people often rebel against conforming to rules and regulations. I have had some of them come to me and say that they are fed up with being told, “You have to do this,” and “You have to do that.” They say they want to decide for themselves and do what they want to do. My response is that they are free to do exactly what they choose to do (as long as it does not infringe upon the rights of others), but there are certain consequences which follow all our actions, and our teens must be prepared to take those consequences.

If we disobey the speed limit it is our own fault if we get a ticket. If we are dishonest, it is our choice that has caused us to pay stiff consequences. If we are violent the law of the land is bound to make us pay for disobeying the laws of civility.

Many people skirt their obligation to vote. They use a variety of excuses to rationalize why they don’t vote. Some say it is because courts select jurors from registered voters, and they don’t want to serve on jury duty. Some say that they are too busy to vote. Still others say they don’t vote because one vote won’t matter at all. There are also those Americans who do not vote, because they simply are not concerned about doing so. I say, if you don’t take part in the choice, you have no right to complain about the outcome.

What does this have to do with raising teens? Well it won't be long before the course our country is left in their hands. And it is up to us as parents to raise our children to have a healthy respect for our country and an understanding of how important their participation in the voting process is.

It is the responsibility of parents to teach their children the importance of understanding their role in choosing their leaders, laws and taxable obligations. Of course the best way to get this lesson across is to be a proactive role model. Talk about laws and elections at the dinner table. Let them know how you felt about your choices on voting day. Help them understand the importance of electing honest, ethical and moral leaders who will lead the people rather that seek personal glory or gain. Our future depends on it.

When Your Teen is Molested

Being molested is by far one of the most devastating things that can happen to anyone. Regardless of how well the child/teen seems to be doing afterward, the psychological damage is always great, and rarely completely overcome.

Depending on the circumstances of the molestation the child/teen can develop an aversion for anything or any place that reminds them of the trauma they have suffered. For instance if they were molested by a church member they may have panic attacks at the thought of having to go to church. Or if it took place at school they may go into hysterical or emotional outbursts when expected to go back to class.

If the molestation took place in the home, i.e. in the child's bed for instance, the teen/child may develop an aversion to going to bed, experience traumatic nightmares or develop sleep disorders such as insomnia or chronic fatigue.

In the case of a bedroom molestation it is helpful to allow the child to change rooms and to get a new mattress rather than to subject them to re-traumatization day after day. But in situations where the molestation took place outside of the home - in a place where the child needs to continue to be present - it is important that the parent understand that giving in to their cries and hysterics is actually hurtful and can lead to permanent phobias and other mental illness.

Every time a child is allowed to avoid a situation which brings up memories of the trauma the brain reinforces their fear, eventually creating a synaptic pathway in the brain that prevents them from getting past their emotional blockage. They become emotionally crippled, forever terrified of religion, education, people, etc. They can develop paranoia, agoraphobia, panic disorders, depression and other mental disorders.

The parent of a victimized child can help heal their child/teen by helping them differentiate between the bad experience and the events that surrounded it. Don't allow your pity for the child to over-shadow your responsibility as the parent to help ease them back into society and the normalcy they so desperately need. After a traumatic experience it is unwise to allow the victim to make decisions about their life, especially if it includes withdrawing from life to any degree. The adult, the parent needs to be the one who makes the decisions. They need to see that the child get back into the swing of things as soon as possible.

Of course, a traumatized child needs to have a safe place where they can go to spew the poisonous venom that has been force upon them. They need a professional, someone who is trained in treating traumatized kids, to help them work through their frazzled emotions and debilitating fears. Again, don't ask them if they would like to go into counseling, tell them that this is the plan, and make it as easy for them as you can.

Children should never be put in a place of having to make adult decisions, and a traumatized child is far to overwhelmed to be made responsible for deciding what is best for them. Nurture them rather than coddle them.

Hearing the Words "Mom, I'm Pregnant"

The day your beautiful little girl comes to you and says "Mom, I'm pregnant." may feel like the worst day of your life. Dealing with a pregnant teen is something no parent wants to have to do, but for far too many parents, it is a reality.

So what's a parent to do?

First, stay calm. Hearing such jarring information will bring feelings to the surface with such intensity that you may feel as if you cannot contain them, but you must. You are still the adult and you need to be level headed and an emotional example to your daughter. No real communication can occur when tempers flare and voices rise. This is a pivotal moment which may define your relationship with your daughter for the rest of your life. Keep your cool, take a deep breath and wait until you are able to communicate effectively before responding.

Listen without judging. Use mirroring techniques (see Psych-Net Mental Health for Instructions) to get information in a way that allows her to express her feelings without feeling verbally abused. You will need to learn the details without prying. Ask who the father is, was sex consensual and when the child was conceived, but don't pry for details about her sexual activities or habits - it's not your business unless she makes it your business.

Express your feelings. After she has said everything she needs to say, you should share your feelings about the situation. Be honest but not accusatory. Use I messages (see link above) to let her know that you feel scared, disappointed, and unsure about the future. Share your feelings in a calm way without implying guilt or condemnation.

What's her plan? Right from the start you will need to support her and encourage her to develop a working plan of action. She is still emotionally and psychologically too young to think through her options and come up with a plan on her own. Help her to pursue adoption instead of deluding herself into believing that she is mature enough to raise a child - especially if you have religious or moral convictions. If she is an older teen (18-19) she may choose to keep the child. If this is the case then you need to help her to connect with parenting classes and a family therapist who can help prepare her for her future as a mother.

Regardless of the course your daughter chooses it is imperative that she receive proper medical attention as well as therapeutic help. As the adult, you will be needed to acquire recommendations, and set appointments for doctors therapists, adoption agencies, alternative schooling facilities and pregnancy & birth classes.

She was a hormonal teenager before she was pregnant. Now she is a pregnant hormonal teenager; don't expect her to suddenly be capable of making adult decisions on her own. Because of your own feelings you may want to wash your hands of her, but doing so will put her and the baby in danger. Remember, this time will soon pass, don't burn your bridges. Your daughter needs you now more than she thinks she does.

----------------
Now playing: KXNT
via FoxyTunes

Symptoms of Mental Illness in Teens

Many mental illness' begin to emerge late in the teen years. Too often parents and teachers miss the symptoms and explain them away as typical teenage eccentricities. Because early detection is essential to preventing your teen from spiraling out of control I am listing signs and symptoms that you need to be aware of which may indicate an evolving mental illness.


* overly angry much of the time,
* cries a lot or overreacts to things; ·
* feels worthless or guilty;
* is anxious or worried more than other young people;
* experiences grief for several months after a loss or death;
* has unexplained fears or more fears than most kids;
* overly concerned about physical problems or appearance;
* feels uncomfortable in his/her own skin;
* suddenly begins to change clothes many times a day;
* believes that others are out to get him/her:
* begins behaving eccentrically;
* frightened that his or her mind is controlled or is out of control.

Experiences unexplained changes in life functioning:

* declining grades;
* extreme feelings of grandiosity;
* extreme mood changes
* inappropriate expression of emotions (i.e. laughing when sad)
* loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities;
* changes in sleeping or eating habits;
* avoids friends or family;
* difficulty getting things done;
* feels life is too hard or talks of suicide or death;
* hears voices that cannot be explained.

Is limited by:

* poor concentration; difficulty making decisions;
* inability to be still or focus attention;
* worries about being harmed, hurting others, or about doing something "bad";
* the need to wash, clean things, or perform certain routines many times a day or in a particular way;
* racing thoughts;
* persistent nightmares.

Behaves in ways that could cause harm:

* uses alcohol or other drugs;
* sexually inappropriate behavior toward self or others;
* eats large amounts of food and then forces vomiting, abuses laxatives, or takes enemas to avoid weight-'gain;
* continues to diet or exercise obsessively although bone-thin;.
* hurts other people, destroys property, or breaks the law;
* does things that can be life threatening - erratic driving, cutting, defies authority.

Your Teens Weight & the Road to Better Health

Teens model what they have learned from their parents. This time of year many teens are watching their parents talk about, worry about and do something about their weight. Unfortunately, focusing on weight in a family can negatively affect your child.

Children in a home where one or both parents focus on their weight and frequently go on and off of diets, learn that their physical appearance is more important than their talents, their worth as a person and their value to society.

The number one place that teens turn for advice about their weight is their parents. If the advice they get is filled with criticism, contempt for their weight or negativity about their looks the teen will internalize this negativity and begin to confuse their body image with their self image.

Parents can best support their teens desire to loose weight by focusing on a healthy family food plan rather than focusing on restricting the child's intake. Healthy eating is far more important to your child's long-term health than is their current weight. If the family prepares and appreciates healthy foods and an active lifestyle the teen will learn to control their weight as a side effect rather than as a family project.

Remember: It is the parent who buys the food that comes into the house. The teen can't eat what isn't there. Sure they can eat whatever they choose when not at home, but the majority of a child's intake comes from meals prepared at home - especially if the family has committed to sharing meals together on a daily basis.

Help your child become healthy and fit by taking responsibility for what your family eats, how much time you spend together and by refusing to allow negativity and criticism be a part of your interactions with one another.