Wisdom From Teens for Parents

Out of the mouths of Babes

Early on while into the process of doing my dissertation I got a group of teenage boys together and asked them to be serious, and answer my question as honestly as they could. Not only was the interview great, but it led to another hour of discussion that I had not planned on. These boys aged from 13-17 and were eager and honest when they made these statements. My question was, "what do your parents do to discipline you that just doesn’t work; those things that will not help you reach your full potential as an adult?"

Teen 1

Threatening doesn't work! When my parents threaten me it makes me feel like I'm being put down, like they don't believe I can make good decisions on my own. Then I feel like I can't wait to do whatever it is they don't want me to do. It makes me mad."

"What does work is being positive with me, like when they let me know I've done a good job, or when they reward me for something I've done. Then I feel happy that I have pleased them and I’m anxious to find other ways to please them.

Teen 2

"My parents are very positive with me and that helps a lot. I'm not afraid of being “run-down because they handle things in such a positive way. That works for me."

"What doesn't work is when they ground me. That doesn't teach me anything at all. It just makes me feel resentful and controlled. Teens don't want to feel controlled; they would rather have someone talk to them about what's wrong than have the parent take the easy way out by grounding the kid. Regardless of the grounding rules, we always find ways to talk with friends or even see them as a way to let the parents know that their strategy doesn’t work.

Teen 3

Yea but lectures don't work at all! (general agreement from the group). Especially when the kid is already closed up and doesn't want to hear it. It doesn't get in. When my
parents lecture me I just tune it out and say 'Yea, OK', in all the right places until over. It doesn't resolve the problem. "

"What works best for me is being given realistic consequences that I knew about ahead of time. Not these 'I'm the parent-your the kid' type consequences, but one's that have a link to the problem. That way I can think about why I'm having consequences rather than just get angry about having to do an extra chore or something. When I know the consequence ahead of time I don't get so mad when it all comes down."

Teen 4

"What really works best for me is having my parents talk to me about the problem and both of us trying to resolve it together. It has to be when I'm in the mood to talk though and most of the time my parents try to do that. Sometimes I never want to talk and then it feels stupid at first, but we always seem to resolve the problem or come to a compromise by the end. Knowing that I can say anything I want and not get in trouble for it helps. If we try to talk when we are all mad nothing gets resolved."

Another thing that is effective is when the parent is lenient. I mean, not just letting the kid do whatever he wants all the time, but letting him make his own choices and letting him do things as long as it isn't going to hurt his life permanently. For me this works because it forces me to learn to take responsibility for my self and to experience consequences for my own actions. If a parent is always telling a kid what to do, and when, the kid can't learn how to be responsible for himself."

Teen 5

"Violence is probably the most ineffective type of discipline. Not just hitting and spanking but verbal violence too. When a parent is yelling or threatening to hit a child that just makes the child feel angry and unsafe. It doesn't help him to learn anything." Kids get into trouble because it is the best way they know to get attention from the parents. And get it they do. But if the parents were more interactive with the child all the time, then the child would have no reason to go out of his way to get more attention in a negative way.

The way my parents helped me the most is by being a good example. I sometimes look at my life and realize that I'm a lot like my parents. Those are the times I'm grateful for the example they set for me." I know I will never hit a child or verbally abuse them because that isn’t how my parents taught me.

Teen 6

"My dad is always angry with me. He sort of gets off feeling like he is all powerful and all knowing, like he has all the answers and I am incapable of deciding for myself what my life should be like. It's my life I'm supposed to be living, not his; but he doesn't get it. I think if he would just lighten up and let me be me I would be a lot better off. I don't really want to disappoint my parents but sometimes they just control me so tight that I feel like I have to do something drastic to get out and breathe on my own."

"The thing my parents could do that would be most effective is to stop pretending their super human and let me know how they feel about things like when I am not screwing up. Sometimes I think they 'need' me to 'be good' so the rest of the world doesn't think their bad parents. That's their responsibility, not mine.

Teen 7

I think parents forget that we still need their love and support. Just because we are more independent now and some of us can drive doesn’t meant that we still don’t want an occasional hug or head rub. Even if it feels embarrassing at times, the communication is still felt and I know that they still love me in spite of all my teenage craziness. Sure I want to be accepted by my friends, but I will always have my parents so I really want their approval, even though I would never tell them that.

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