How to Talk to Your Parents

I like to compare teenagers to pups that are about six months old. They are full of energy and playful. They are independent, and have a mind of their own, which often takes them from one activity to another. And they have discovered the joys and pitfalls of hormones. Like pups, they can wonder off into territory that can get them into trouble. Because they haven't experienced much of life yet, they are unhappy when mom comes along, picks them up by the neck and hauls them back home.

You might be asking "How can I deal with my parents when they refuse to treat me according to my age, instead of my shoe size?" The answer is simple. Talk to them...OK, talking isn't always easy but it is effective. "I" statements are the best weapon in almost any confrontation. What are "I" statements you ask? "I" statements are brief statements in which you explain what it is your are feeling, when you feel that way and why you feel that way. The formula is simply this:

I feel _______, when ________, because ________. An example might be: "Mom, I feel really embarrassed when you remind me to do things in front of my friends, because it makes me look like a little kid."

Why use "I" statements? Why bother to express feelings to parents? That is simple too. Parents are living in the dark when it comes to knowing how their teenagers are feeling about things. For the past 12 years, or so, they have formed habits in the way they deal with you. The old ways were helpful when you were a child, but are unproductive now that you are older. Parents just don't know how you feel about things. When they nag you they may have good intentions, but they don't realize how upset it makes you. Parents yell because their level of frustration has caused their rational brain to shut down, and in their panic, they can't think of anything productive to say. Just like you, they may need to relearn how to communicate in a positive way.

Most often, teens do one of two things when they feel frustrated. Either they walk away and hide in their room (or with friends), or they get angry and try to "yell" their feelings at their parents. In the former situation, the parents are still living in ignorance, which means they are not likely to listen to you or change their behavior. In the later situation, the parent becomes defensive and yells back, probably topping it off with grounding or some other consequence. In the end they still don't know how you feel because they weren't able to listen while everyone was yelling.

"I" statements give you power in a conflict. It defuses the parent's anger and forces them to listen to you. They cannot dictate your feelings or take them away from you, and so they listen and (hopefully) try to figure out what they have done wrong or how they should change their behavior in the future.

The secret is to use an I statement whenever you feel anything. Don't wait until the situation is already out of control. Practicing them in casual situations will prepare you to use them naturally in an emotional situation. If your listener isn't able to hear your feelings, or attempts to tell you how to feel, use another "I" statements to tell them how that makes you feel.

"I" statements rarely ever include the word "you". For instance, the following is not an appropriate "I" statement. "I feel like you're trying to make me mad when you tease me because you don't respect me." Arrrggghhh! This is a "you" statement and will only encourage defensiveness and argument from the parent. "I" statements should never be an attempt to attack or blame the parent. They are only a way for you to express your feelings and your needs so that the parent can understand your position. They may not always comply, but at least you have taken control of your life and let them know that you are an independent person with your own thoughts and feelings.

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