Discipline In Blended Families

Trying to make a blended family work in today's society is not impossible, but it can seem so. The divorce rate for first time marriages looms around the %50 mark and for second marriages it is much higher. Add in children from a previous relationship and the divorce rate skyrockets. It isn't a bias, it is the fact. But for those who have decided to beat those odds there are some things that can help you create the family you have always wanted.

One of the first critical rules for maintaing a blended family, especially if the children are over the age of eight or so, is to create a system that allows the biological parent to be the main disciplinarian for that child. You have to be able to get inside that child's mind and realize that they didn't choose the new adult in the home, and when things are emotionally charged, they will not accecpt being told what to do by the new "parent" in their life. In the child's mind this new adult is just an interloper and will soon leave - perhaps like the original parent did. It takes a great deal of time and work to create a relationship that fosters respect and a willingness to be led by a new "parent" in the childn's lfe.

When the step-parent is "the mom" this can be particularly difficult on several levels. Mom's generally don't carry as much power in the child's eyes as does the father. However it may be the mom that is there with the child all day long. So what does a new step-parent do?

Before moving the step parent in with the child it is imperative that the two of you discuss how discipline will be handled. Figure out a way that the home-based parent can keep sanity in the home without being the heavy handed demagogue. Decide on what the consequenses will be for different infarctions and then talk to the child as a united front. That way when the step-parent says "boo" the child knows that it has already been agreed upon by the other parent.

In blended families we have to put ourselves in the mind of the child who's family, and who's fantasy of family, has been ripped apart. They have little or no say in what happens in their family and they begin to feel helpless and can become depressed and or resentful and angry about the changes in their life. Expecting them to accept those changes without emotion is in itself a fantasy on the adult's part. And when emotions flare it is the adults that need to remain level headed and empathetic if the situation, and the family is to grow into something wonderful.

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