Letting Go, a Parent's Responsibility

The teen year are difficult at best. Teens crave independence but still need the security of home. It is a time for self discovery and a time to begin choosing a life path. It is a time of turmoil. The teen craves love but will run if mom tries to give a hug. S/he fights getting up in the morning and then fights going to bed at night. They challenge authority but want to be authoritative.

Teenagers are often tormented by their own personal demons and they haven't yet learned that their doubts and anxieties are universal. They feel alone in their pain and even freakish, and yet they lash out at other's who appear out of step. They claim uniqueness while conforming to the trends of their peers. And to make matters worse, their bodies are betraying them; growing into clumsy creatures with intense emotions, pimples and raging hormones. And even though they would never admit it, they need our help.

Our little child who was once easily consoled, now needs parents who are subtle with aid. Parents who jump in with advice or who are quick to criticize will be swiftly tuned out and turned away from.

Parents can help their teen by tolerating their restlessness, respecting their space and understanding their discontent. Hiam Ginott, author of Between Parent & Teenager wrote, "Our response (to our teenager) must differentiate between tolerance and sanction, between acceptance and approval. We tolerate much, but sanction little." In other words, it is important to realize that most of what a teenager is going through is only a temporary inconvenience on their path to adulthood. We need not agree with their ideas or their choices, but we need to tolerate them. Of course there are limits, and that is where sanctions come into play. But we need to keep those sanctions to a minimum, used only when the teen is demonstrating choices poor enough to cause harm to himself or others.

Some rules need to be enforced, but for the most part, we need to tolerate our teens ability to make choices for themselves. At this stage in their life we need to start stepping back and allowing them to use the tools we have given them. They need to be allowed to make mistakes and then enabled to learn from them. Over controlling your teen is like telling them that we don't believe they are capable of making decisions on their own, fostering dependence instead of independence. And independence is the ultimate goal.

Letting go can be a difficult task for a parent, especially with the oldest child, but it is a necessary part of the parenting process and an inevitable part of growing up.

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