How to Talk to Your Parents

I like to compare teenagers to pups that are about six months old. They are full of energy and playful. They are independent, and have a mind of their own, which often takes them from one activity to another. And they have discovered the joys and pitfalls of hormones. Like pups, they can wonder off into territory that can get them into trouble. Because they haven't experienced much of life yet, they are unhappy when mom comes along, picks them up by the neck and hauls them back home.

You might be asking "How can I deal with my parents when they refuse to treat me according to my age, instead of my shoe size?" The answer is simple. Talk to them...OK, talking isn't always easy but it is effective. "I" statements are the best weapon in almost any confrontation. What are "I" statements you ask? "I" statements are brief statements in which you explain what it is your are feeling, when you feel that way and why you feel that way. The formula is simply this:

I feel _______, when ________, because ________. An example might be: "Mom, I feel really embarrassed when you remind me to do things in front of my friends, because it makes me look like a little kid."

Why use "I" statements? Why bother to express feelings to parents? That is simple too. Parents are living in the dark when it comes to knowing how their teenagers are feeling about things. For the past 12 years, or so, they have formed habits in the way they deal with you. The old ways were helpful when you were a child, but are unproductive now that you are older. Parents just don't know how you feel about things. When they nag you they may have good intentions, but they don't realize how upset it makes you. Parents yell because their level of frustration has caused their rational brain to shut down, and in their panic, they can't think of anything productive to say. Just like you, they may need to relearn how to communicate in a positive way.

Most often, teens do one of two things when they feel frustrated. Either they walk away and hide in their room (or with friends), or they get angry and try to "yell" their feelings at their parents. In the former situation, the parents are still living in ignorance, which means they are not likely to listen to you or change their behavior. In the later situation, the parent becomes defensive and yells back, probably topping it off with grounding or some other consequence. In the end they still don't know how you feel because they weren't able to listen while everyone was yelling.

"I" statements give you power in a conflict. It defuses the parent's anger and forces them to listen to you. They cannot dictate your feelings or take them away from you, and so they listen and (hopefully) try to figure out what they have done wrong or how they should change their behavior in the future.

The secret is to use an I statement whenever you feel anything. Don't wait until the situation is already out of control. Practicing them in casual situations will prepare you to use them naturally in an emotional situation. If your listener isn't able to hear your feelings, or attempts to tell you how to feel, use another "I" statements to tell them how that makes you feel.

"I" statements rarely ever include the word "you". For instance, the following is not an appropriate "I" statement. "I feel like you're trying to make me mad when you tease me because you don't respect me." Arrrggghhh! This is a "you" statement and will only encourage defensiveness and argument from the parent. "I" statements should never be an attempt to attack or blame the parent. They are only a way for you to express your feelings and your needs so that the parent can understand your position. They may not always comply, but at least you have taken control of your life and let them know that you are an independent person with your own thoughts and feelings.

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Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving.

Remember:

• not everyone likes the yams...and that's OK.
  
• After the food, kids would rather spend the afternoon with peers, and that's OK.
• Teens want pie for their first, second and third course; it's only one meal it won't kill them.
• No on really wants to spend half the day in one home and the other half in another; pick a spot and settle in.
• Get over yourself and let everyone else relax and enjoy the day.

Tomorrow will be here soon enough, so do what you can to smile and make today the best it can be. Nothing really matters in the long run, except happy memories. Relax, tolerate and enjoy.

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Letting Go, a Parent's Responsibility

The teen year are difficult at best. Teens crave independence but still need the security of home. It is a time for self discovery and a time to begin choosing a life path. It is a time of turmoil. The teen craves love but will run if mom tries to give a hug. S/he fights getting up in the morning and then fights going to bed at night. They challenge authority but want to be authoritative.

Teenagers are often tormented by their own personal demons and they haven't yet learned that their doubts and anxieties are universal. They feel alone in their pain and even freakish, and yet they lash out at other's who appear out of step. They claim uniqueness while conforming to the trends of their peers. And to make matters worse, their bodies are betraying them; growing into clumsy creatures with intense emotions, pimples and raging hormones. And even though they would never admit it, they need our help.

Our little child who was once easily consoled, now needs parents who are subtle with aid. Parents who jump in with advice or who are quick to criticize will be swiftly tuned out and turned away from.

Parents can help their teen by tolerating their restlessness, respecting their space and understanding their discontent. Hiam Ginott, author of Between Parent & Teenager wrote, "Our response (to our teenager) must differentiate between tolerance and sanction, between acceptance and approval. We tolerate much, but sanction little." In other words, it is important to realize that most of what a teenager is going through is only a temporary inconvenience on their path to adulthood. We need not agree with their ideas or their choices, but we need to tolerate them. Of course there are limits, and that is where sanctions come into play. But we need to keep those sanctions to a minimum, used only when the teen is demonstrating choices poor enough to cause harm to himself or others.

Some rules need to be enforced, but for the most part, we need to tolerate our teens ability to make choices for themselves. At this stage in their life we need to start stepping back and allowing them to use the tools we have given them. They need to be allowed to make mistakes and then enabled to learn from them. Over controlling your teen is like telling them that we don't believe they are capable of making decisions on their own, fostering dependence instead of independence. And independence is the ultimate goal.

Letting go can be a difficult task for a parent, especially with the oldest child, but it is a necessary part of the parenting process and an inevitable part of growing up.

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Discipline In Blended Families

Trying to make a blended family work in today's society is not impossible, but it can seem so. The divorce rate for first time marriages looms around the %50 mark and for second marriages it is much higher. Add in children from a previous relationship and the divorce rate skyrockets. It isn't a bias, it is the fact. But for those who have decided to beat those odds there are some things that can help you create the family you have always wanted.

One of the first critical rules for maintaing a blended family, especially if the children are over the age of eight or so, is to create a system that allows the biological parent to be the main disciplinarian for that child. You have to be able to get inside that child's mind and realize that they didn't choose the new adult in the home, and when things are emotionally charged, they will not accecpt being told what to do by the new "parent" in their life. In the child's mind this new adult is just an interloper and will soon leave - perhaps like the original parent did. It takes a great deal of time and work to create a relationship that fosters respect and a willingness to be led by a new "parent" in the childn's lfe.

When the step-parent is "the mom" this can be particularly difficult on several levels. Mom's generally don't carry as much power in the child's eyes as does the father. However it may be the mom that is there with the child all day long. So what does a new step-parent do?

Before moving the step parent in with the child it is imperative that the two of you discuss how discipline will be handled. Figure out a way that the home-based parent can keep sanity in the home without being the heavy handed demagogue. Decide on what the consequenses will be for different infarctions and then talk to the child as a united front. That way when the step-parent says "boo" the child knows that it has already been agreed upon by the other parent.

In blended families we have to put ourselves in the mind of the child who's family, and who's fantasy of family, has been ripped apart. They have little or no say in what happens in their family and they begin to feel helpless and can become depressed and or resentful and angry about the changes in their life. Expecting them to accept those changes without emotion is in itself a fantasy on the adult's part. And when emotions flare it is the adults that need to remain level headed and empathetic if the situation, and the family is to grow into something wonderful.

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Wisdom From Teens for Parents

Out of the mouths of Babes

Early on while into the process of doing my dissertation I got a group of teenage boys together and asked them to be serious, and answer my question as honestly as they could. Not only was the interview great, but it led to another hour of discussion that I had not planned on. These boys aged from 13-17 and were eager and honest when they made these statements. My question was, "what do your parents do to discipline you that just doesn’t work; those things that will not help you reach your full potential as an adult?"

Teen 1

Threatening doesn't work! When my parents threaten me it makes me feel like I'm being put down, like they don't believe I can make good decisions on my own. Then I feel like I can't wait to do whatever it is they don't want me to do. It makes me mad."

"What does work is being positive with me, like when they let me know I've done a good job, or when they reward me for something I've done. Then I feel happy that I have pleased them and I’m anxious to find other ways to please them.

Teen 2

"My parents are very positive with me and that helps a lot. I'm not afraid of being “run-down because they handle things in such a positive way. That works for me."

"What doesn't work is when they ground me. That doesn't teach me anything at all. It just makes me feel resentful and controlled. Teens don't want to feel controlled; they would rather have someone talk to them about what's wrong than have the parent take the easy way out by grounding the kid. Regardless of the grounding rules, we always find ways to talk with friends or even see them as a way to let the parents know that their strategy doesn’t work.

Teen 3

Yea but lectures don't work at all! (general agreement from the group). Especially when the kid is already closed up and doesn't want to hear it. It doesn't get in. When my
parents lecture me I just tune it out and say 'Yea, OK', in all the right places until over. It doesn't resolve the problem. "

"What works best for me is being given realistic consequences that I knew about ahead of time. Not these 'I'm the parent-your the kid' type consequences, but one's that have a link to the problem. That way I can think about why I'm having consequences rather than just get angry about having to do an extra chore or something. When I know the consequence ahead of time I don't get so mad when it all comes down."

Teen 4

"What really works best for me is having my parents talk to me about the problem and both of us trying to resolve it together. It has to be when I'm in the mood to talk though and most of the time my parents try to do that. Sometimes I never want to talk and then it feels stupid at first, but we always seem to resolve the problem or come to a compromise by the end. Knowing that I can say anything I want and not get in trouble for it helps. If we try to talk when we are all mad nothing gets resolved."

Another thing that is effective is when the parent is lenient. I mean, not just letting the kid do whatever he wants all the time, but letting him make his own choices and letting him do things as long as it isn't going to hurt his life permanently. For me this works because it forces me to learn to take responsibility for my self and to experience consequences for my own actions. If a parent is always telling a kid what to do, and when, the kid can't learn how to be responsible for himself."

Teen 5

"Violence is probably the most ineffective type of discipline. Not just hitting and spanking but verbal violence too. When a parent is yelling or threatening to hit a child that just makes the child feel angry and unsafe. It doesn't help him to learn anything." Kids get into trouble because it is the best way they know to get attention from the parents. And get it they do. But if the parents were more interactive with the child all the time, then the child would have no reason to go out of his way to get more attention in a negative way.

The way my parents helped me the most is by being a good example. I sometimes look at my life and realize that I'm a lot like my parents. Those are the times I'm grateful for the example they set for me." I know I will never hit a child or verbally abuse them because that isn’t how my parents taught me.

Teen 6

"My dad is always angry with me. He sort of gets off feeling like he is all powerful and all knowing, like he has all the answers and I am incapable of deciding for myself what my life should be like. It's my life I'm supposed to be living, not his; but he doesn't get it. I think if he would just lighten up and let me be me I would be a lot better off. I don't really want to disappoint my parents but sometimes they just control me so tight that I feel like I have to do something drastic to get out and breathe on my own."

"The thing my parents could do that would be most effective is to stop pretending their super human and let me know how they feel about things like when I am not screwing up. Sometimes I think they 'need' me to 'be good' so the rest of the world doesn't think their bad parents. That's their responsibility, not mine.

Teen 7

I think parents forget that we still need their love and support. Just because we are more independent now and some of us can drive doesn’t meant that we still don’t want an occasional hug or head rub. Even if it feels embarrassing at times, the communication is still felt and I know that they still love me in spite of all my teenage craziness. Sure I want to be accepted by my friends, but I will always have my parents so I really want their approval, even though I would never tell them that.

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