Teens and Holiday Plans

Has your normally bubbly, playful and affectionate child turned into a mumbling, withdrawn and secretive teenager? Does s/he now hide behind headphones blasting rock music into the deepest recesses of their brain? Does your teen communicate only by cell phone or online? Finding yourself a parent of a teen can feel like a rude awakening - especially when you are planning a family trip for the holidays.

Here are a few tips for successful holiday planning with teenagers:

* Include your teen in the decision-making process you may be pleasantly surprised at the maturity of their opinions.
* Make sure there are plenty of options and activities to keep your teen interested and entertained.
* Never expect anyone older than 10 to eat at the "kids table.".
* Teenagers want to be as relaxed and as undisciplined as the adults. Allow them the freedom to sleep in, stay up late, play hours of video games or to just listen to their tunes - this is supposed to be their holiday too.
* If all else fails, give them some money and take them to the mall to do holiday shopping. Of course I don't recommend allowing them to run amok unsupervised unless they are in the latter half of their teen years - and then they should be providing their own money.
* Let them eat what they like. This is no time for nagging about good health and nutrition.
* Never ask your teen how they liked the trip unless you are prepared to hear about what they didn't like. Let them be honest without taking offense.
* Let go of control. The point of having family get-togethers is supposed to be to enjoy each other's company, relax, and to create happy family memories. Don't mess it all up by attempting to hold onto rules with an iron fist.

Take solace in knowing that soon it will be January and they will be back in school - having not done their homework.

Is Sex Between Step-Siblings Wrong?

I was asked an interesting question the other day:

"Is it considered incest if adult step-siblings have sex?"

Before answering I had to first set aside my personal moral stance and think through the question. I personally know two couples who are adult step-siblings and are also married to each other. So, obviously the legal answer to the question is no, it isn't considered incest in the eyes of the law.

In the two cases that I mentioned above, all 4 step-siblings met as adults when their parents began dating each other. They didn't grow up together and they never had a sibling-type relationship.

In the case of younger, underage kids I think the moral dilemma is evident. In my opinion, if the kids were in a family setting and were treated like siblings then having an intimate relationship, even as adults, should be out of the question. The judgment call cannot be made on blood-ties alone. Otherwise adopted siblings and foster siblings could be considered potential sexual partners.

What is your opinion?

Gay, Straight or Promiscuous - Who Can You Love?

I was flipping through the channels late one night when I came across a talk show that peeked my interest. A 16 year old girl who's mother had abandoned her at age nine was telling her mother how the pain of being left behind had been a factor in her early drug use and promiscuity. She even had the courage to tell her mother how she had turned to prostitution at age 13 to support her drug habit.

Through all of this her mother (who had had several affairs while married to her daughter's father) held the teens' hand and professed her love and support. She even intimated that she would not abandon her again.

At the suggestion of the host the girl told her mother that she presently had a girlfriend. She explained that after years of being abused by men, "it just felt more natural."

Her mother dropped her daughters' hand as if the girl had declared herself a leper. Her middle aged face hardened and she recoiled. The daughter, desperate for her mother's love and approval quickly stated that the two had just been going out and that they hadn't actually "done anything yet."

The mother's face softened a bit, and then she turned to the host and said "I just can't accept her with this. It isn't right, it is against my beliefs." I sat their on my couch analyzing the situation. Of course I was struck with the conditional requirements of the mother's love and the irony of her hypocrisy. My heart bled for this young girl.

But on a deeper level I understood that the girls' confession to her mother was more a tactic than an attempt to "come clean." She had been abandoned and forgotten for years. Although her mother professed her commitment to remain in her life, this time, she had not yet obtained the daughter's trust. What the teen really wanted to know is just how far she could push against the grain before her mother recanted. And unfortunately, or not, she found that boundary.

Our teens need our pure, unconditional love and support regardless of their lifestyle. They need to know that we will always be there for them. They need to be able to trust that our love for them is not dependent on what they do, but on who they are - our precious child.