Living With Teens & Steps - A Parenting Survival Guide

Is Your Teen Addicted to Gaming?

2009-06-09T01:49:00.000-07:00

It's bad enough that you rarely see your teen but when he is home he spends his time staring at the computer playing interactive games. What should a parent do? Do you limit his time on the computer or ban interactive games altogether? How do you know when a simple game is becoming a problem?

Teens need alone time. Their life is changing at a rapid and stressful rate and they absolutely need down time do do nothing at all. But the amount of downtime they need is minimal - perhaps an hour a day depending on the teen. Gaming may be your teens way of getting down time.

If gaming is becoming a habitual way to avoid interacting with others or if it is beginning to prevent your teen from taking care of other responsibilities then perhaps it is time to talk to him about the role gaming is playing in his life.

Remember to ask him how gaming makes him feel and to listen rather than lecture or dictate new rules. The latter will invoke defensiveness and your teen will turn a deaf ear. But if you discover what your teen is turning his back on via gaming, it is possible to develop a dialogue about some of life's demands that are causing him to feel overwhelmed. Take this opportunity to learn about your teen and to see the gaming as a symptom rather than an enemy.

Overcoming Despair, and Holiday Blues

2008-12-14T23:16:00.000-08:00

Depression is different than feelings of despair in that it may last longer and/or is more intense than despair. However, treating despair and treating depression have some similarities.

Despair often results from a faulty interpretation of an experience. For instance when something goes wrong you tell yourself that the situation is hopeless or that the situation is beyond repair. The fastest way out of despair is to redefine the situation. Instead of allowing your negative thoughts to dictate your feelings, train yourself to define the situation in a way that does not include exaggerated language. You might say to yourself "OK, this is bad, but it's not the end of the world."

Despair, no matter how intense, will not last forever. All feelings have a way of fading with time. Think back to another time when you felt like the world would end and realize that, in fact, it didn't. It may be difficult, but you will get through this too.

If you have feelings of despair following this advice may be just the medicine you need to get you back on track.

Smile: It sounds silly, but studies have shown that even a fake smile produces "feel good" chemicals (endorphins) in your brain. Go find a mirror and force yourself to smile for at least five minutes. If you’re not laughing by then, go outside and smile at strangers. It may sound strange, but it works. Do it.

Exercise: A good swift walk around the block or 15 minutes of aerobics will stimulate your brains’ "feel good" chemicals alleviating your negative mood. Work in the garden, vigorously clean the house or just go for a 20 minute walk every day, the difference will surprise you.

Keep a journal: Recent research has shown that writing about your despair doesn’t alleviate it. However, making daily lists of those things for which you are grateful can make a dramatic difference in your mood. Every day write down three things that you are grateful for, then write down one thing that you like about yourself.

Do a good deed: It sounds simple but it is a very important part of dealing with despair and depression. Studies confirm that when you step outside of yourself, and spend time helping others, you begin to leave your own issues behind; negativity is soon replaced with happiness and self pity is replaced with the uplifting feelings that come with helping others. Start small, bring cookies to a friend or take your teenager to lunch.

Caffeine can cause despair to worsen. Reduce or delete caffeine from your diet. And last but not least, make room in your day for 20 minutes of sunshine. It sounds simple but decades of research have proven that doing these two things will make a marked difference in your ability to cope with despair.

You are ultimately in control of your emotions and your life. The choices you make today will determine your tomorrow.

Teens, Voting and our Hope for the Future

2008-10-28T23:58:00.000-07:00

How often do you hear people say they don’t want to be told what to do? Young people often rebel against conforming to rules and regulations. I have had some of them come to me and say that they are fed up with being told, “You have to do this,” and “You have to do that.” They say they want to decide for themselves and do what they want to do. My response is that they are free to do exactly what they choose to do (as long as it does not infringe upon the rights of others), but there are certain consequences which follow all our actions, and our teens must be prepared to take those consequences.

If we disobey the speed limit it is our own fault if we get a ticket. If we are dishonest, it is our choice that has caused us to pay stiff consequences. If we are violent the law of the land is bound to make us pay for disobeying the laws of civility.

Many people skirt their obligation to vote. They use a variety of excuses to rationalize why they don’t vote. Some say it is because courts select jurors from registered voters, and they don’t want to serve on jury duty. Some say that they are too busy to vote. Still others say they don’t vote because one vote won’t matter at all. There are also those Americans who do not vote, because they simply are not concerned about doing so. I say, if you don’t take part in the choice, you have no right to complain about the outcome.

What does this have to do with raising teens? Well it won't be long before the course our country is left in their hands. And it is up to us as parents to raise our children to have a healthy respect for our country and an understanding of how important their participation in the voting process is.

It is the responsibility of parents to teach their children the importance of understanding their role in choosing their leaders, laws and taxable obligations. Of course the best way to get this lesson across is to be a proactive role model. Talk about laws and elections at the dinner table. Let them know how you felt about your choices on voting day. Help them understand the importance of electing honest, ethical and moral leaders who will lead the people rather that seek personal glory or gain. Our future depends on it.

When Your Teen is Molested

2008-03-13T01:15:00.000-07:00

Being molested is by far one of the most devastating things that can happen to anyone. Regardless of how well the child/teen seems to be doing afterward, the psychological damage is always great, and rarely completely overcome.

Depending on the circumstances of the molestation the child/teen can develop an aversion for anything or any place that reminds them of the trauma they have suffered. For instance if they were molested by a church member they may have panic attacks at the thought of having to go to church. Or if it took place at school they may go into hysterical or emotional outbursts when expected to go back to class.

If the molestation took place in the home, i.e. in the child's bed for instance, the teen/child may develop an aversion to going to bed, experience traumatic nightmares or develop sleep disorders such as insomnia or chronic fatigue.

In the case of a bedroom molestation it is helpful to allow the child to change rooms and to get a new mattress rather than to subject them to re-traumatization day after day. But in situations where the molestation took place outside of the home - in a place where the child needs to continue to be present - it is important that the parent understand that giving in to their cries and hysterics is actually hurtful and can lead to permanent phobias and other mental illness.

Every time a child is allowed to avoid a situation which brings up memories of the trauma the brain reinforces their fear, eventually creating a synaptic pathway in the brain that prevents them from getting past their emotional blockage. They become emotionally crippled, forever terrified of religion, education, people, etc. They can develop paranoia, agoraphobia, panic disorders, depression and other mental disorders.

The parent of a victimized child can help heal their child/teen by helping them differentiate between the bad experience and the events that surrounded it. Don't allow your pity for the child to over-shadow your responsibility as the parent to help ease them back into society and the normalcy they so desperately need. After a traumatic experience it is unwise to allow the victim to make decisions about their life, especially if it includes withdrawing from life to any degree. The adult, the parent needs to be the one who makes the decisions. They need to see that the child get back into the swing of things as soon as possible.

Of course, a traumatized child needs to have a safe place where they can go to spew the poisonous venom that has been force upon them. They need a professional, someone who is trained in treating traumatized kids, to help them work through their frazzled emotions and debilitating fears. Again, don't ask them if they would like to go into counseling, tell them that this is the plan, and make it as easy for them as you can.

Children should never be put in a place of having to make adult decisions, and a traumatized child is far to overwhelmed to be made responsible for deciding what is best for them. Nurture them rather than coddle them.

Hearing the Words "Mom, I'm Pregnant"

2008-02-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

The day your beautiful little girl comes to you and says "Mom, I'm pregnant." may feel like the worst day of your life. Dealing with a pregnant teen is something no parent wants to have to do, but for far too many parents, it is a reality.

So what's a parent to do?

First, stay calm. Hearing such jarring information will bring feelings to the surface with such intensity that you may feel as if you cannot contain them, but you must. You are still the adult and you need to be level headed and an emotional example to your daughter. No real communication can occur when tempers flare and voices rise. This is a pivotal moment which may define your relationship with your daughter for the rest of your life. Keep your cool, take a deep breath and wait until you are able to communicate effectively before responding.

Listen without judging. Use mirroring techniques (see Psych-Net Mental Health for Instructions) to get information in a way that allows her to express her feelings without feeling verbally abused. You will need to learn the details without prying. Ask who the father is, was sex consensual and when the child was conceived, but don't pry for details about her sexual activities or habits - it's not your business unless she makes it your business.

Express your feelings. After she has said everything she needs to say, you should share your feelings about the situation. Be honest but not accusatory. Use I messages (see link above) to let her know that you feel scared, disappointed, and unsure about the future. Share your feelings in a calm way without implying guilt or condemnation.

What's her plan? Right from the start you will need to support her and encourage her to develop a working plan of action. She is still emotionally and psychologically too young to think through her options and come up with a plan on her own. Help her to pursue adoption instead of deluding herself into believing that she is mature enough to raise a child - especially if you have religious or moral convictions. If she is an older teen (18-19) she may choose to keep the child. If this is the case then you need to help her to connect with parenting classes and a family therapist who can help prepare her for her future as a mother.

Regardless of the course your daughter chooses it is imperative that she receive proper medical attention as well as therapeutic help. As the adult, you will be needed to acquire recommendations, and set appointments for doctors therapists, adoption agencies, alternative schooling facilities and pregnancy & birth classes.

She was a hormonal teenager before she was pregnant. Now she is a pregnant hormonal teenager; don't expect her to suddenly be capable of making adult decisions on her own. Because of your own feelings you may want to wash your hands of her, but doing so will put her and the baby in danger. Remember, this time will soon pass, don't burn your bridges. Your daughter needs you now more than she thinks she does.

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Symptoms of Mental Illness in Teens

2008-01-22T10:45:00.000-08:00

Many mental illness' begin to emerge late in the teen years. Too often parents and teachers miss the symptoms and explain them away as typical teenage eccentricities. Because early detection is essential to preventing your teen from spiraling out of control I am listing signs and symptoms that you need to be aware of which may indicate an evolving mental illness.

* overly angry much of the time,
* cries a lot or overreacts to things; ·
* feels worthless or guilty;
* is anxious or worried more than other young people;
* experiences grief for several months after a loss or death;
* has unexplained fears or more fears than most kids;
* overly concerned about physical problems or appearance;
* feels uncomfortable in his/her own skin;
* suddenly begins to change clothes many times a day;
* believes that others are out to get him/her:
* begins behaving eccentrically;
* frightened that his or her mind is controlled or is out of control.

Experiences unexplained changes in life functioning:

* declining grades;
* extreme feelings of grandiosity;
* extreme mood changes
* inappropriate expression of emotions (i.e. laughing when sad)
* loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities;
* changes in sleeping or eating habits;
* avoids friends or family;
* difficulty getting things done;
* feels life is too hard or talks of suicide or death;
* hears voices that cannot be explained.

Is limited by:

* poor concentration; difficulty making decisions;
* inability to be still or focus attention;
* worries about being harmed, hurting others, or about doing something "bad";
* the need to wash, clean things, or perform certain routines many times a day or in a particular way;
* racing thoughts;
* persistent nightmares.

Behaves in ways that could cause harm:

* uses alcohol or other drugs;
* sexually inappropriate behavior toward self or others;
* eats large amounts of food and then forces vomiting, abuses laxatives, or takes enemas to avoid weight-'gain;
* continues to diet or exercise obsessively although bone-thin;.
* hurts other people, destroys property, or breaks the law;
* does things that can be life threatening - erratic driving, cutting, defies authority.

Your Teens Weight & the Road to Better Health

2008-01-03T00:44:00.000-08:00

Teens model what they have learned from their parents. This time of year many teens are watching their parents talk about, worry about and do something about their weight. Unfortunately, focusing on weight in a family can negatively affect your child.

Children in a home where one or both parents focus on their weight and frequently go on and off of diets, learn that their physical appearance is more important than their talents, their worth as a person and their value to society.

The number one place that teens turn for advice about their weight is their parents. If the advice they get is filled with criticism, contempt for their weight or negativity about their looks the teen will internalize this negativity and begin to confuse their body image with their self image.

Parents can best support their teens desire to loose weight by focusing on a healthy family food plan rather than focusing on restricting the child's intake. Healthy eating is far more important to your child's long-term health than is their current weight. If the family prepares and appreciates healthy foods and an active lifestyle the teen will learn to control their weight as a side effect rather than as a family project.

Remember: It is the parent who buys the food that comes into the house. The teen can't eat what isn't there. Sure they can eat whatever they choose when not at home, but the majority of a child's intake comes from meals prepared at home - especially if the family has committed to sharing meals together on a daily basis.

Help your child become healthy and fit by taking responsibility for what your family eats, how much time you spend together and by refusing to allow negativity and criticism be a part of your interactions with one another.

Step Families and Holiday Happiness

2007-12-16T04:34:00.000-08:00

Step families can be frustrating at best. But during the holiday season it can be downright irritating.

There is the stress of remembering who is staying where on what day. Add to that the chaos of trying to combine differing family traditions and the anxiety of determining who is responsible for buying gifts for each person in each family. Do you invite the ex to join you in the festivities? What about the former step children whom you briefly parented? Do you still buy them gifts or invite them to family functions? It's enough to make you wish you were an atheist.

Prepare yourself. If you are going to spend time alone while your children are with the other parent plan ahead and arrange to be with other people you love. Plan a treat for yourself like a spa day or a trip to the country. Pamper yourself instead of falling into despair while the kids are away.

Have realistic expectations. Holidays for a step-family are going to be different. By accepting that and adjusting your expectations will help you get emotionally prepared. During the holidays children can be reminded that their parent's aren’t together anymore. These reminders can bring up emotions such as loss, guilt or anger. By remembering that a step-family is different from a biological family you can create new traditions and rituals that are unique to your step-family.

Be flexible. Be willing to arrange times when your family can celebrate together, even if it’s before or after the holiday’s date. Children need to be with both of their biological parents, be sensitive to thatt.

Just because it's a holiday doesn't mean that everyone will suddenly be merry and bright. All of the unresolved issues that plagued the family prior to the special event will still be there today. Forget trying to get everyone under the same roof with the expectation of a Hallmark moment.

Step families can work if everyone involved has their eye set on compromise, acceptance and forgiveness. Otherwise, you may as well plan for some difficult moments. Remember that you cannot control anyone but yourself. Take extra care to do just that.

Teenagers - The Spice of Family Life

2007-11-30T01:52:00.000-08:00

I love teenagers. My children's teenage years were some of my favorite. Perhaps that is because deep sown inside of me there is still a hint of rebellion, imaginative fantasy and moments of unexplainable moodiness. Sure there were moments of anguish and intense stress, but overall, having a house full of teens is just plain fun.

So when I hear people warning young parents about their upcoming decades of agony once their kids hit their teen years, I want to intervene. I want to tell parents to relax and to look forward to their children discovering their talents, experiencing puppy love and growing into adults.

I want to tell them to stay close, but not too close; to savor spending time just talking with -not at- them. And I want to remind them that if they work hard at forming strong, loving bonds with their children while young, that the job of parenting them once they become teenagers will be so much easier.

So instead of worrying about those teen years, just focus on creating and maintaining a strong, close family now. The strength of your family ties can make the difference between loving or dreading those teen years.

School Massacre in Finland

2007-11-13T19:25:00.000-08:00

In southern Finland on Wednesday, an 18-year-old student opened fire in his high school killing eight people and himself in a shooting spree that stunned the Nordic country.

News reports about the shooting have focused on everything from gun control to the need for You Tube censorship. Some even blame the US. It is ridiculous.

I haven't been able to find anything written about the young man's family life or his mental health history, but I imagine that those two factors played the largest role in his decision to kill himself in this way.

Sometimes I find it hard to understand why educated journalists feel the need to stretch so far in an attempt to sensationalize the truth. Isn't the truth newsworthy enough?

My heart goes out to all those who have been effected by this tragedy. I will leave it at that.

Teens and Holiday Plans

2007-10-29T22:44:00.000-07:00

Has your normally bubbly, playful and affectionate child turned into a mumbling, withdrawn and secretive teenager? Does s/he now hide behind headphones blasting rock music into the deepest recesses of their brain? Does your teen communicate only by cell phone or online? Finding yourself a parent of a teen can feel like a rude awakening - especially when you are planning a family trip for the holidays.

Here are a few tips for successful holiday planning with teenagers:

* Include your teen in the decision-making process you may be pleasantly surprised at the maturity of their opinions.
* Make sure there are plenty of options and activities to keep your teen interested and entertained.
* Never expect anyone older than 10 to eat at the "kids table.".
* Teenagers want to be as relaxed and as undisciplined as the adults. Allow them the freedom to sleep in, stay up late, play hours of video games or to just listen to their tunes - this is supposed to be their holiday too.
* If all else fails, give them some money and take them to the mall to do holiday shopping. Of course I don't recommend allowing them to run amok unsupervised unless they are in the latter half of their teen years - and then they should be providing their own money.
* Let them eat what they like. This is no time for nagging about good health and nutrition.
* Never ask your teen how they liked the trip unless you are prepared to hear about what they didn't like. Let them be honest without taking offense.
* Let go of control. The point of having family get-togethers is supposed to be to enjoy each other's company, relax, and to create happy family memories. Don't mess it all up by attempting to hold onto rules with an iron fist.

Take solace in knowing that soon it will be January and they will be back in school - having not done their homework.

Is Sex Between Step-Siblings Wrong?

2007-10-10T04:00:00.000-07:00

I was asked an interesting question the other day:

"Is it considered incest if adult step-siblings have sex?"

Before answering I had to first set aside my personal moral stance and think through the question. I personally know two couples who are adult step-siblings and are also married to each other. So, obviously the legal answer to the question is no, it isn't considered incest in the eyes of the law.

In the two cases that I mentioned above, all 4 step-siblings met as adults when their parents began dating each other. They didn't grow up together and they never had a sibling-type relationship.

In the case of younger, underage kids I think the moral dilemma is evident. In my opinion, if the kids were in a family setting and were treated like siblings then having an intimate relationship, even as adults, should be out of the question. The judgment call cannot be made on blood-ties alone. Otherwise adopted siblings and foster siblings could be considered potential sexual partners.

What is your opinion?

Gay, Straight or Promiscuous - Who Can You Love?

2007-10-01T00:05:00.000-07:00

I was flipping through the channels late one night when I came across a talk show that peeked my interest. A 16 year old girl who's mother had abandoned her at age nine was telling her mother how the pain of being left behind had been a factor in her early drug use and promiscuity. She even had the courage to tell her mother how she had turned to prostitution at age 13 to support her drug habit.

Through all of this her mother (who had had several affairs while married to her daughter's father) held the teens' hand and professed her love and support. She even intimated that she would not abandon her again.

At the suggestion of the host the girl told her mother that she presently had a girlfriend. She explained that after years of being abused by men, "it just felt more natural."

Her mother dropped her daughters' hand as if the girl had declared herself a leper. Her middle aged face hardened and she recoiled. The daughter, desperate for her mother's love and approval quickly stated that the two had just been going out and that they hadn't actually "done anything yet."

The mother's face softened a bit, and then she turned to the host and said "I just can't accept her with this. It isn't right, it is against my beliefs." I sat their on my couch analyzing the situation. Of course I was struck with the conditional requirements of the mother's love and the irony of her hypocrisy. My heart bled for this young girl.

But on a deeper level I understood that the girls' confession to her mother was more a tactic than an attempt to "come clean." She had been abandoned and forgotten for years. Although her mother professed her commitment to remain in her life, this time, she had not yet obtained the daughter's trust. What the teen really wanted to know is just how far she could push against the grain before her mother recanted. And unfortunately, or not, she found that boundary.

Our teens need our pure, unconditional love and support regardless of their lifestyle. They need to know that we will always be there for them. They need to be able to trust that our love for them is not dependent on what they do, but on who they are - our precious child.

Teens, Technology & Titillating Temptations

2007-09-26T02:29:00.000-07:00

Some parents just don't want to be bothered with what their teenager is doing behind their back. But for those of us who want to know just how responsible our teen is behind the wheel or who wish they had a way of tracking their teen the future is upon us.

According to an article on Slashdot A Japanese firm has created new technology that enables GPS units to be embedded in clothing that will enable the wearer to be tracked continuously, even by video or on mobile devices. A mom could track her teens activities from her cell phone or from her computer at work.

If that isn't enough, most parents these days have heard of the devices that can keep a log of how fast their teen is driving, but if that isn't enough, check out the newest models at youthdrivingsafe.org that not only tell you their speed but will enable you to remotely turn off the car engine, flash the lights and honk the horn, get instant notification if your teen goes somewhere you have made off limits and find their exact location.

In the world of high tech toys and titillating teen temptations, parents are well advised to keep up with the age of technology and be willing to use whatever means necessary to keep their teen safe.

Monkey See, Monkey Do - Parenting by Example

2007-09-15T23:39:00.000-07:00

No parent is perfect. And largely due to that fact, no child is perfect either. Several years ago I had a family as clients. They initially sent their teenage son to me to be fixed. After only a few sessions it was apparent to me that the parents needed help as well. They agreed and we started couple counseling in addition to individual therapy for their son.

After about 3 months of intense counseling, the father dangled a metaphoric carrot in front of his son "to tempt him" and to "see if he had been cured by therapy."

After discovering that his son had indeed given in to temptation the father called me, and in a rage he rationalized his desire to disown his son because of his "deceptive behavior and his obvious willingness to disregard what he had been told in therapy." The father was not only sabotaging his son's grown and progress, but he was expecting more out of his son than he was expecting from himself.

This may sound like an extreme case but I see less obvious examples like this in most of the families that I counsel. Parents tell their children not to steal and then they taste the grapes at the grocery store, fudge on their taxes and bring home office supplies from work. They punish their teen for lying then turn around and lie about their age or falsify a resume. They ground their teen for getting a speeding ticket and yet they rarely stick to the speed limit themselves.

Our kids learn the majority of their life lessons at home. And through the example of the parent the child learns what the family values really are. If the parent gives little respect to the sanctity of marriage the child is likely to grow up believing that marriage is a burden or even unnecessary. If the parent gets physical when angry, the child is likely to internalize violence as a coping skill.

As parents we need to become acutely aware of how we live our life. Because like it or not, everything from the language we use to the behaviors we rationalize are being absorbed and internalized by our children. We need to live the life we want our children to emulate.

Paris Hilton, Britney, Teen Idols? Please!

2007-08-23T03:01:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton, born into wealth - Britney Spears, forced into pop culture before she was ready to deal with it's pitfalls - Sports idols, thrust into a world of money and fame, doing drugs, torturing dogs, and disrespecting women. These are often the very people our teens look up to and aspire to emulate.

What is a parent to do? To some degree you have to expect that your child will look outside of the home to find people living a life that they admire and desire. As a teenager the walls of my bedroom were covered with pictures of Davey Jones, Paul McCartney and other popular entertainers. It was a normal phase of development that didn't damage me.

However, today's world is filled with teen idols that have less than exemplary and very public lives. Everyday I see teenage girls who spend exorbitant amounts of their parent's money trying to create an image that equals their wealthy and maladjusted idols. It is becoming common for these girls to feel entitled to their parent's money, money from lenders that they don't intend to pay back and from society in general. Although, as a parent you may not feel empowered to do anything about it, the fact is that you can take control of your own child and stop the behavior.

Teaching your child the necessity to work for their pay is the best way of helping them grow into a monetarily responsible adult who appreciates what they have earned. This can begin as soon as your child is old enough to start asking for candy at the grocery store. But if your teenager has skipped this level of development, it is not too late to stop feeding their demise with money.

Talk with your teen and let them know that you have made a tragic error in judgment regarding how liberal you have been with them. Let them know that you are making a change and that you will no longer give in to their crying, whining or threatening behaviors. You, as the parent, MUST realize that it is your job to teach your child how to fend for themselves. It is far more critical to your child's wellbeing that you be assertive and consistent instead of worrying about being your child's best friend.

Goth, Piercings and Other Teen Fashions

2007-08-17T00:46:00.000-07:00

Teens, as cool as they try to be, are very self conscious. Fitting in while attempting to be unique and individual is a very tough tightrope to walk. Ask a teen why she suddenly began to dress all in black, dye her hair orange or pierce her lip and she will likely tell you that she is just being herself. Then you look at her group of friends and see that they all look alike and you wonder.

Here is the basic truth. Teens are so completely focused on themselves that they believe that the rest of the world is focused on them as well. They haven't yet figured out that their peers are also intensely focused on themselves and not them. Consequently they have to devise coping mechanisms to help them survive their perceived scrutiny from the world.

One of the ways they deal with being the center of the world is to attempt to take control of the situation themselves. Subconsciously they figure, "If everyone is going to stare at me anyway I might as well give them something to stare at." By doing this they can tell themselves that people are looking at them because of their fashion sense, and this helps them to discard fears that people look at them because there is something wrong them.

Not all teens take this approach. Generally teens that feel secure about who they are are less likely to feel the need to control the world around them. Teens who have a happy home-life, who don't feel overly controlled by their parents are less likely to act out in extreme ways.

Virginia Tech Murder Suicide can Trigger Copy-Cat Behavior

2007-04-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

Teenagers can be both impressionable and impetuous. And a troubled teenager can be sent over the edge after witnessing news reports about a terrible tragedy such as the mass murder and suicide that occurred Monday at Virginia Tech. It is therefore imperative that every parent of a teenager be especially attentive to their teens' mood and habits for the next several weeks.

What worries me is that the intense coverage of this horrible event will give some mentally challenged teen the rational to commit a copy-cat suicide. For everyone who reads this, who knows a teenager who has had a history of suicide, depression or other emotional difficulties, please stay close to your teen and don't be too slow to arrange help for him, especially if he seems affected by the murder-suicide in Virginia this week.

Here are some signs to watch for:

If you see any of these danger signs, call a doctor, mental health clinic or suicide hotline immediately:

1. Pacing,
2. agitated behavior,
3. frequent mood changes,
4. sleeplessness for several nights.
5. Actions or threats of assault, physical harm or violence.
6. Delusions or hallucinations, such as hearing voices.
7. Threats or talk of death or suicide, such as "I don’t care any more," or "You won’t need to worry about me much longer."
8. Withdrawal from activities and relationships.
9. Putting affairs in order, such as saying good-bye to friends, giving away prized possessions or writing a will.
10. A sudden brightening of mood after a period of being depressed.
11. Unusually risky behavior, such as buying or handling a gun or driving recklessly.

For more on suicide, depression and other mental disorders go to psych-net.com

Who's Your Daddy? When Parentage is in Question

2007-04-13T00:37:00.000-07:00

It is not uncommon for a man to adopt his new wifes children, especially if the children are very young and have developed a good relationship with their new step-father. And, unfortunately, it is becoming more common that the expectant mother doesn't know the paternity of her unborn child. Thus more and more children are growing up without knowing who their biological father is.

So, what's a mother to do when her children believe one man to be their father, but the mother knows that someone else was the sperm donor? Of course, as with most complicated issues, the answer is "It depends."

Seriously though, you have to ponder the question "How will my child benefit by knowing the truth?" In many cases, the sperm donor has had little or no contact with the child throughout his/her life. And if the person acting in the role of "father" has adopted the child, there may be nothing much to tell.

Children need to feel loved and secure in their home and in their place in the world and churning calm waters with information that may upset the healthy balance in the home may create feelings and situations that are far too adult for a young child to have to deal with. Wait until the child is an adult, and then, if the subject comes up, tell the truth.

Be sure to phrase what you say in a way that will help the teenager realize that you were doing what was best for him/her. If you got pregnant because you were young and stupid, admit that to your child as a lesson in waiting for the right person to come into their life at a more mature age.

If you are a single mother and your child is asking about their biological father, take their age into consideration and answer clearly and directly adding no more information than what was specified in the question. Again, be honest and use the opportunity to create a learning moment for the child.

Helping the child see your remorse for making bad choices at a young age can help them decide to make different choices for themselves. Of course, never belittle their father or speak about him in hateful ways. That will only damage the child's sense of identity (by identifying with the absent father). Instead, Help the child understand that their biological father made mistakes too and hopefully he is trying to make good choices now. This helps the child realize that he/she can also recover from mistakes in life.

Remember this isn't about you. This is about your child and knowing how to help them assimilate their complicated life in a way that teaches them something positive.

Turning Children into Psychopaths

2007-04-05T00:03:00.000-07:00

An interesting study has recently come out showing the genetic and non-genetic factors that come together to create a teenager who is anti-social.

Anti-Social Personality Disorder has, in the recent past, been called Sociopathology, Psychopathology and it is a diagnosis which the afflicted must deal with for the rest of their life. There is no cure.

This study definitively showed that children (specifically boys) were much more likely to develop psychopathology when raised in a home with much negativity, and there was minimal affection or open displays of intimacy between family members.

Children who did not have a genetic predisposition for mental illness still developed into Sociopaths by the time they were between 15 to 18 years of age. Younger children were still acting out early warning signs of becoming sociopaths later in life.

So regardless of how your family chooses to express affection, it is vital that the parents get over their own fears of closeness and intimacy and begin to show regular affection toward their children. Just as important is that the habitual negativity in the home needs to be immediately stopped, and replaced with positive thoughts, behaviors and activities.

Having a warm loving home with positive encouragement for all the family members is essential to raising children who will feel empathy for others, who will be proud to be a member of his own family. Positivity creates positivity. And negativity creates negative and unhappy families.

Incarcerated Teen Parents

2007-03-29T01:04:00.000-07:00

The youth prison system in Phoenix Arizona recently began a program to teach their incarcerated teenage fathers how to be better parents. Their 12 week program teaches both the teens and their toddlers about empathy, communication, and compromise, to help prevent the development of violence later in life.

One person commented on an article about the program saying "Don't encourage them to breed." I understand that most of the public is ignorant about such things, but let me take this opportunity to inform you that a large percentage of incarcerated teens are already parents. And those who find themselves in the juvenile jail system will be released before they are legal adults. Those who have been convicted of the most violent crimes will still be released by the age of 21. So the likelihood of them becoming parents at some point is very high.

Consequently, regardless of how you may feel about the current laws regarding teen offenders, isn't it better to educate them about how to be a successful parent? In my experience, even the toughest looking teen offenders can feel deep and enduring love for their children. And just like the rest of us, most of them want their children to grow up happy and healthy. Why not give them an opportunity to turn their life around for the sake of their children?

Agree or Disagree?

Warning Signs Of an Abusive Boyfriend

2007-03-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

Teen girls are often easily controlled by their emotions and their heart instead of using their head. This can lead to getting themselves into troublesome relationships that can change their life for the worse. It is up to you, the parent, to get to know the boys your daughter is interested in and to set boundaries for her regarding dating, sex and self control. Help her learn to recognize the early warning signs of trouble before she gets in too deep with the wrong guy.

Here are the warning signs that your daughter may be in a relationship with an abuser:

* She rationalizes or apologizes for his behavior.
* She loses interest in friends and activities that she used to enjoy.
* She stops spending as much time with friends or family members.
* She becomes more isolated spending most or her spare time with him.
* He calls her names and denigrates her in front of other's.
* He becomes jealous of others who pay attention to her, especially other guys.
* He believes that you don't like him and uses this to form an alliance with her, against you.
* He controls her behavior, checking up on her constantly, calling and paging her, demanding to know who she has been with.
* He tells her how to dress, where she is allowed to go, who she is allowed to talk to.
* She casually mentions his violent behavior, but laughs it off as a joke.
* She often has unexplained injuries, or the explanations she offers for bruises or pain don't make sense.
* You see him violently lose his temper, striking or breaking objects.
* He has a history of being violent with others.
* He has unhappy or severed relationships with family members.
* At least one close family member has been in trouble with the law for abuse of another.
* He wants to talk your daughter into leaving home before her time to be with him.
* He drinks to excess or uses illegal drugs.
* He has children by other women and does not take responsibility for them.

If your daughter is already in a relationship with the wrong boy, it is imperative that you do whatever you can to save her from a potentially deadly relationship.

For more information on the profiles of abusers go to http://www.psych-net.com/abuse.html

Mentally Ill Teens & You

2007-03-15T23:32:00.000-07:00

According to the Health Behavior News Service "New research suggests that Americans are more likely to socially reject children and teens with mental illness than they are those with physical illnesses such as asthma."

Without naming the mental illness' the poll asked people if they would want a kid with certain symptoms to live next door to them; or if they would want their child going over to the ill kid's house for the evening.

The results were hardly surprising. Only parents with kids of their own who were suffering with mental illness' such as ADHD or Depression had any empathy for other kids with mental health issues.

Realistically taking a poll can't give us an accurate view of how people react to troubled kids. Of course in a perfect world all of our neighbors would be perfect, regardless of how "crazy" we might be. But in the real world, nearly everyone has a neighbor or two who is suffering with mental illness, and the only ones who are negatively effected is the person who is ill and their closest family and friends.

Truth is, most of the "trouble" caused by kids is caused by those who are not mentally ill. Most juvenile delinquency in America is caused by kids who were parentally neglected, emotionally and psychologically scarred by their life's difficulties and those who have been seriously misguided or abused.

Before we throw our teenage neighbors under the bus, let's first educate ourselves about mental illness and learn how we can have empathy for those who are effected by it. Even better, find a way to help your mentally ill neighbors by befriending and helping them. Love and friendship is ultimately the best medicine for the lonely and forlorn.

Teens - Take Control of Your Own Life

2007-03-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

One of the most difficult things for a teen to do is to look deep inside themselves and figure out who they are. And yet this is the reason for the teen years, to discover what path you want to follow in life. Peers can offer teens the instant gratification of feeing accepted and "normal," and they can also help you make decisions about who you will eventually become. But often the choices your friends offer you are detrimental to your future happiness.

Close your eyes and imagine an adult that you admire; imagine their personality, their best qualities and the positive ways they structure their life. What qualities does this person have that you would like to have? How can you begin to develop these traits? Once you have identified the type of qualities you want to develop write them down so that you can remember them, especially when things get rough. Make a commitment to conduct your life in a way that will help you become the person you've designed for yourself. When you are confronted with peer pressure, remember this exercise and make choices according to who you want to be.

Your friends may or may not have the ability to see what is best for you in the long run. Most teens don't. Every time you give in to peer pressure, you loose a little piece of yourself. And you get closer to forgetting how to make decisions based on your own desires rather than on the desires of others. Take control of your life, create your own power and be assertive. It will pay off.

Teen Suicide up 18% Says Latest Research

2007-02-27T00:20:00.001-08:00

According to a new study that came out earlier this month from the Pediatrics Journal of Medicine there has been a serious increase in suicides among teenagers in the last few years. Speculation is that the increase in suicides is connected to the recent media and FDA reports stating that certain antidepressant drugs can cause some teenagers to feel suicidal. However since those drugs are no longer being offered to teenagers suffering with depression, the suicide rate has increased by 18%. And that is totally unacceptable.

It is true that Prozac may have ill effects on some children, but there are so many new antidepressant drugs available now that it is bad medicine to throw the baby out with the bath water and refuse to offer any type of medicinal help for these suffering teens. Those who are now a part of that 18% statistic may have found help in other, safer drugs. If their family, friends, and doctors had been willing to start them on a drug that was safe for them, those children might still be alive today.

Today my soap box includes frustration at huge conglomerates like the FDA making life and death decisions based on insufficient studies and then globalizing their findings to include all available medications. They make policies and laws to prevent the public from getting the right help, the best help, for them.

I'm a parent first, and if my child needed a drug that might save his life, I would do whatever was in my power to get the right doctor and the best treatment avbailable. The FDA for all the good they do, have in my opinion really messed one up here.

Full article about the research is here.

A Parents Guide to Teen Dating

2007-02-08T03:44:00.000-08:00

Let's face it, your teenager is going to be dating soon and you are going to have to deal with all that comes with that. Transitioning from parenting a child to parenting a teenager is hard enough without having to think about how they will conduct themselves on a date. But hopefully you have prepared them well enough and your worries will be minor ones. Here are 3 tips to help you through this next phase of parenting.

1. Teenagers do not know how to date.
A teen does not learn how to date in the classroom and most likely has only picked up on some of the basics, like respecting someone’s personal space, at home. But they haven’t learned the ins and outs of a give and take relationship yet. They will be learning this as they date, and ‘on the job’ type of training. You can reinforce the values that concern dating and relationships by discussing them with your teenager and modeling them with your spouse or significant other. Do not be afraid to bring up these issues. Do not feel that they are not important. Teens that are taught values are important will look for dates with similar good values. That is who you want your teen dating, right?

2. Teens whose parents talk to them about dating are better prepared and happier.
You want your teenager to grow up happy, so remember that happiness in life is found in the journey. While the topic of teens and dating can make the most confident parent nervous, you should do your best not to project those anxious feelings when discussing dating - and the rules and limits of dating - with your teen. Relax and have informative dating conversations that will strengthen your relationship with your teen and empower you both to enjoy this part of their life.

3. Your teen will need privacy.
As parents, we are not very comfortable not knowing what is going on in our child’s life. But as your teen starts to date, you will need to take a step back and not try to know ‘everything’. You may at first have a hard time and feel like something is wrong. That is normal – your parenting role is changing. Change always feels awkward at first. On the other hand, your teenager may want to chat about the experience. He/she may have some questions to ask. If so, make yourself available. But remember to try not to ‘read into’ any of the questions and begin prying.

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Teens Need to Feel Accepted

2007-01-24T21:21:00.000-08:00

Although living with a teen can be energizing and great fun, at times it can feel like never-ending work. There are the ups and downs that accompany a constantly changing human being to deal with; and of course there are worries about worldly influence that can make a parent age prematurely.

One thing that seems to be a part of raising any teenager is learning how to love them even when they profess to neither want or need it. Truth is, they both want and need it. Underneath their independent, bravado exterior is the kid that you have always known and loved. They just no longer want you to notice their vulnerability or their never-ending need for your acceptance and appreciation.

This is a critical time in life for both you and your teen. This is the time to change how you show your appreciation for them by making extra efforts to recognize their newly developing talents and personality. Let them know what it is about them that you really like. You don't need to make a show of it, just a simple remark in passing once in a while will do. Your teen will probably grumble in response, but those positive validations will sink deep into their sense of self.

It is so easy to be critical of their ever-changing hair style and the way they twist and distort language, but you have to remember that this too will pass. They won't be a teen forever and the things you now find so distasteful will soon be replaced - with other things you find distasteful.

And such is life. You and your parents probably don't see eye-to-eye on everything either, but you still love each other in spite of your differences. As long as your teen isn't self destructing, or hurting anyone else in their growing process, it's best to pick as few battles as possible. Let them know that you see them in their path toward independence and that you still love them.

Tomorrow you will wake up and discover that your teen has become an adult; and hopefully, your new best friend.

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Teen Violence - A Parenting Dilema

2007-01-17T20:58:00.000-08:00

Three female teens from a public school in Long Island have been under investigation for battery and harassment due to videotaping themselves while beating up a 13 year old girl from a private school. The case came into the spotlight when the video was made public on You-Tube and 2 other public video sites. The girls reportedly had words “about a boy” earlier on My Space which led the 3 older teens to plan an attack on the younger teen.

Scenes like this have become all too common in today’s technological era. But are videophones and the internet to blame? Hardly.

Today on Larry King Live, 4 professionals were interviewed regarding the issue and all agreed that the parents of the 3 teens need to take some responsibility for the violent and criminal actions of their daughters. Most of today’s teens have access to cell phones and the internet but only a certain percentage of them use these devices to commit crimes.

Gone are the fantasies of the 80’s which touted that a parent can be just as effective from the office as from home. Studies are repeatedly showing that kids who are raised by two working parents are far more likely to engage in criminal behaviors than those who have at least one parent who stays at home to raise them.

Too often parents believe that they can go back to work once their child hits the teen years. Not so. Teens are especially vulnerable to depression, feelings of abandonment and anger, and they need the frequent interaction and assurance of a stay-at-home parent to help them feel secure in their confusing and insecure world.

If your teen is acting out, it is a clear sign that s/he is angry. And it takes a responsible parent to be able to understand what role they may be playing in their child’s anger. Healing the feelings of your child may require changes in your family’s lifestyle, but in the end it will be worth every effort.

Photo Source: http://www.boston.com

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Teens and Consequences - How to Make Parenting Easier

2007-01-11T01:05:00.000-08:00

The effectiveness of your house rules can be greatly increased if both you and your teen know, without a doubt, what the consequences will be for every infraction.

The best way to make sure that everyone knows what the consequences will be is to routinely have family meetings to reiterate the rules and the consequences for breaking those rules. That way your teen understands that when they choose to break a rule they are also choosing a particular consequence.

Another way to ensure that the teen chooses not to break rules is to include them in deciding what the consequences will be. If they are the ones who suggested what the consequences should be they won’t be able to argue with you about not being “fair.”

Studies have shown that the consequences they choose are almost always stiffer than what the parent would have chosen. So when they suggest a consequence it may win you bonus points to point that out and to settle on something appropriate but not quite as punishing.

Also, help guide them to think of consequences that are related to the infraction so that they will understand that you aren’t just trying to “punish” them, but that you are attempting to help them learn a healthy life lesson. Why not take steps to make parenting less difficult? Try it, you’ll like it!

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Balance Between Helping and Interfering

2007-01-03T23:10:00.000-08:00

More often than not, teenagers resent unsolicited advice or attention. They need to be left alone to a greater degree than when they were young, to find their own way in life. And they need to feel capable of finding their own way without too much parental intervention. Although the teens' physical boundaries need to be respected, learning to do so is often difficult.

It is hard to stop hugging them every time they leave the house, or to expect a kiss at bedtime. But in order to allow the teen to learn how much affection is right for them, pulling back is what we need to do. Eventually they will come to us when they need a hug or a listening ear.

On the other hand, teenagers do appreciate their parent's opinions and counsel - when it is solicited. The trick is learning how to know when and when not, to offer advice. This requires listening skills. Learning how to listen to teenagers can make the difference between helping and preaching. A simple rule to remember is to offer advice only when you are asked for it.

A recent study indicated that teens spend 40% of their leisure time with peers, and only 10% of their time with parents and family members. The study also showed that although teens talk to their peers about almost everything, they still prefer talking to parents about moral or ethical dilemmas. Although these findings may not be surprising, it is interesting to note that although our teens may not spend as much time with us, they still want us to help them with the critical issues in their life.

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Troubled Teens and How to Make Life Easier

2006-12-27T22:20:00.000-08:00

It is difficult for parents to keep up with all of the changes our children are going through. By the time they reach puberty, teens are going through a vast array of changes at an accelerated rate. If parents are to be effective, they must attempt to keep up with the changes in several ways.

1. Be aware of the need to readjust old rules, to better fit maturing teens. Young teens are acutely aware of the inadequacies in their parent's rules. When your teen reaches puberty, it is a good time to sit down with them and discuss the changes they are going through. Together you can decide what their new rules (and the consequences to breaking those rules) should be. Enlisting the teen in making these decisions will ultimately lead to better cooperation by them in adhering to the rules and standards of the parent. Kids need to know exactly what the consequence for breaking the rule will be. This way when they choose to break a rule, they know that they also choose the consequence. This makes it much easier for the parent to enforce the consequence without argument. It is also extremely important that the parent enforce those consequences 100% of the time. If there is inconsistency, the rules become meaningless.

2. Reassess your expectations of the teen; old ones and new ones. Old expectations may be impractical and/or demeaning for the teen, while new expectations placed on growing teens may exceed their developmental level, and may result in frustration to both parent and teens. It may be too much to expect a 13 year old to be responsible for their younger siblings, the housework and homework everyday while the parent is at work. On the other hand, expecting that the young teens only responsibility around the house is to keep his/her room clean may not be realistic either. When the expectations are equal to the teens ability to achieve, the stage is set for developing self confidence and for taking pride in responsibility.

3. Begin allowing your teen to experience life according to his/her own dictates. This doesn't mean that you need to let them run around without boundaries or rules. It means that you begin to enable the teen to make decisions for themselves at a rate that is equal to his/her level of development. If we have taught our children how to govern themselves when they are small, they will be able to govern themselves as they grow to adulthood. That doesn't mean they will always choose to do things the way YOU hope they will. It does mean that they will be able to develop self confidence in their ability to choose their own path in life. For instance, upon entering high school I wanted my oldest son to take a typing class. I knew the class was no longer mandatory but I felt it was a very important skill for him to have. He did not want to take the class at all. After perusing his choices he decided to take a keyboarding class instead. He is now a computer engineer and typewriters are obsolete.

4. Sometimes teens will choose contrary to what we want them to do. Unless this involves something illegal, or something harmful to themselves or others, we need to allow them to make, and learn from, their own mistakes. Learning from mistakes provides opportunities they must have if they are to develop confidence in their ability to make right choices. If we set out to protect them from every mistake, we prevent them from learning how to depend on themselves. Each time they choose a path that ends in disaster, they have the opportunity to learn from their mistake, to learn how NOT to do things the next time. Perhaps they will even learn that you were right after all. Although they may not admit it until they are 30 or so.

5. Allow the child to separate from you, and begin to individuate. It is difficult for parents to accept that their child is no longer as affectionate or attentive as they once were. This separation is normal, and should be a respected phase in the teens development. Be there for them. Don't condemn them for pulling away. And let them know that you respect their need for privacy. When they were little, they needed us for everything. We diapered them, fed them and nurtured them when they were sad. Now they are on their way to independent living as adults and we need to help them on that journey. Every time a parent seeks to get emotional comfort from a child, the parent is hindering the separation process and preventing the child from continuing on his/her journey towards a healthy adulthood. So give them a pat on the back instead of a bear hug once in a while.

6. Teens need boundaries, especially young teens. This time of their life is emotionally, physically and environmentally unstable. Although they may tell us to "Back Off" and suspend the rules, they are actually in a state of mind that craves consistent and rational rules. They need to have something in their life that feels secure, that they can depend on while they go through the ups and downs of adolescence. After the two of you have decided on a set of boundaries and expectations, the parent's role is to be firm (but not roboticly stiff) with them. The child needs to be assured that the parent will keep the boundaries in tact, but is also willing to consider "special circumstances" for an occasional exception. These exceptions need to be discussed and decided upon together so that the teen realizes that it is not an impulsive reaction of the parent. The parent needs to be seen as someone who is firm with the rules but not unwilling to bend. However, consequences need to be firm and delivered without exception.

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Holidays With Blended Families

2006-12-20T21:15:00.000-08:00

Who's best interest are you most interested in?

Holidays have been reported to be the most difficult time of year for divorced or separated parents. Who are the children going to spend Christmas Eve with? Which parent is going to have to spend the holiday without their child?

Holidays are personal. There are family traditions that have sentimental importance and most are very family oriented. So what happens when families are no longer together? How does a couple decide what the agenda will be? And, how much time do they spend thinking about what is best for the kids?

Dr. Barbara Fidler, a Toronto clinical psychologist has stated: "Most of the things separated parents struggle with during the holidays are about power and control. It has little to do with the kids. It's about the adults."

She continues, "Whether the children go to that family celebration or they don't go to that family celebration, it's probably not going to make a huge difference one way or another negatively or positively," she said. "But the conflict that results from that and the way the child is brought into the conflict will damage the child."

Parents are deciding what their child's holiday memories will be, and strangely enough, the child is often the last thing on feuding parent's minds. Parents in these troubling situations may become selfish and can find every excuse in the world to validate their self-centered reasoning. But as Dr. Fidler implied, the children need to be the first and most important factor in any decisions that are made. The parent's feelings are not as important as is the wellbeing of the child.

If the feuding couple isn't capable of making decisions rationally, in a way that will not negatively effect the child, it may be necessary to turn to a legal arbitrator or a Parenting Coordinator for help.

Remember:

1. If you attempt to keep your child from having happy memories with the other parent, it will be you the child resents later on.

2. Never speak negatively about your ex in front of the child. Children realize that they are half you and half the other parent, and they are quick to internalize negative self talk. Speaking ill of their "away" parent will cause them to believe that they too are "bad."

3. Put your child first. Be willing to compromise in order to prevent fighting with your ex. Letting your child see that the two of you are able to work together amicabely will help them learn how to deal with conflict in their life.

4. Learn to argue when the children are nowhere around. Even if they are in the next room they may hear you. And the stress that they feel when parent's are at odds is damaging to them emotionally and psychologically.

5. Never put young children in the middle by asking them who they would rather spend a holiday with. That puts too much pressure on them and will cause them to feel as if they are betraying one parent and placating another. The decision is an adult one, not the child's.

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Dealing With Teens That Act Out

2006-12-14T12:24:00.000-08:00

Frequently a parent will come to me, exasperated and tell me about how their teenager has suddenly become someone they don’t recognize anymore. The individual stories range dramatically from failing grades, hyper sexuality, stealing, and drugs or just about anything a teen can think of to get into trouble with authority figures. More often than not, the confused parent feels helpless to change the situation, and also feels guilt for contributing to the problem in some way.

Although the answer to their questions is simple, implementing change is not. For most parents the first line of attack is discipline. And while discipline is necessary most of the time, it is not enough to stop the bad behavior from continuing. The reason for this is that discipline only addresses the outwardly noticeable symptoms of the teen’s problem.

Teens are still children, and like children they haven’t developed sufficient skills to recognize, label and verbalize their most intense feelings. So when they are feeling overcome with fear, rejection, or self loathing, they express the intensity of their feelings in a venue that allows equal emotional release, such as breaking the law, giving up in school or becoming promiscuous.

Consequently, discipline isn’t enough. If a parent is to re-direct their teen once they have started down a destructive path, it is vital that they search for the underlying cause of the teen’s emotional pain. To do this effectively the parent has to be willing to look at their own behavior and life choices and how those choices may have contributed to the teen’s behavior. Introspection requires a little humility but remember this isn’t about you it is about saving your teen from self destruction.

Common themes to look for are:
• Recent loss of a family member or friend (separation, divorce, death)
• Changing schools
• Experiencing an abusive or otherwise traumatic event(s)
• Re-marriage or introduction of a new adult in the home
• Illness of a parent (including alcoholism, physical and/or mental illness)
• Feeling like the family’s scapegoat
• Over protective, over controlling parent (set up for rebellion)
• Not fitting in with peers
• Onset of emotional or mental illness (feeling like they are going crazy)

Finding time to frequently talk with your teen is essential if you are to help them open up emotionally. One great conversation just won’t do it. The teen will feel safer once a pattern of openness has been established. When you are talking be careful not to appear as if you are trying to pry out information. Teens are very astute listeners and will detect a trap as soon as they feel threatened. Validate their feelings instead of trying to change them. This isn’t lecture time; it is sharing time; time to create bonds and a safe place to express oneself.

And be honest about how you have influenced their life emotionally. If you started dating again after the loss of their father, be willing to acknowledge how that has brought up intense feelings in the teen. Don’t attempt to justify yourself, or your choices. Remember, this isn’t about you!

Teens act out because they haven’t learned the tools to deal with life’s difficulties in a mature, productive manner. Be an example to your teen. Help him/her learn how to deal with life by observing your behaviors.

In extreme cases if your teen is engaging in activity that is illegal or has a potential to become destructive to self or others, it may be necessary to involve the juvenile justice system or a community rehabilitation center. This is not a good time to be in denial. Your denial will only validate your teen’s denial. If you wait until legal authorities are forced to take over you will have lost precious time and your teen will have lost much more. Now is the time to step up and be the parent. Be the one willing to take charge and get something done. Your teen may protest now, but eventually, s/he will be grateful they had a parent that was willing to drop everything to come to their rescue.

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Teens and Discipline

2006-12-05T18:02:00.001-08:00

IN THE NEWS-->

DECEMBER 5--A South Carolina boy, 12, was arrested Sunday morning after his mother called police to report that he had unwrapped a Christmas present without her permission. The police charged the juvenile with petty larceny. The boy's mother, 27, said that she hoped his arrest would serve as a corrective to disorderly behavior at school and home.

EDMOND, Okla. - Tasha Henderson got tired of her 14-year-old daughter's poor grades, her chronic lateness to class and her talking back to her teachers, so she decided to teach the girl a lesson. She made Coretha stand at a busy Oklahoma City intersection Nov. 4 with a cardboard sign that read: "I don't do my homework and I act up in school, so my parents are preparing me for my future. Will work for food."

Each generation seems to have spawned a few new parenting styles that seem new, innovative or just plain different than previous generations. Sometimes these unusual parenting styles make the news because they create controversy and debate. Recently I read about a minority of parents who believe that children themselves should be allowed to make all of their own decisions including weather or not they go to school, what they eat, when they sleep. These parents believe that by raising their children with no punishment and no rules that they are raising "free thinkers." Twenty years from now the research done on the outcome of such parenting will be interesting to say the least.

Parents make decisions about how to raise their children everyday. Even refusing to make a decision is in fact making a decision, because either way the child is reared in a particular style that is created in the home. One thing that has been researched and reported on since the beginning of time is the fact that children, teens especially, learn more by their parent's examples than from their words.

For instance, in the 80's it was common to hear young adults claim that instead of raising children in a particular religion, they were going refrain from teaching any religious theme, and instead, let the child choose for themselves. It was nice sounding rhetoric for people who didn't want to commit themselves to religious beliefs, but it didn't do what they claimed it would. Instead, children who were raised with no religious training grew up to believe that they had no need for it. So instead of "choosing for themselves," they chose as they were shown - "nothing."

Our children learn how to live by what we show them, what we infer to them and what they sense from us. Taking no disciplinary stand at all will result in children who are undisciplined. Over reacting and over protecting our children will produce teens who are so eager to make their own way that they explode into the world unprepared and often, rebellious. Parenting through guilt techniques creates weak minded children who grow to become un-driven adults. Parenting through violent techniques will produce children/adults who are violent minded, who learn to turn off their feelings and who may become sociopathic, unable to feel empathy for others.

So the debate roles on. We can criticize others for the ways they discipline their teens, and sometimes criticism is deserved, but more likely it is our own parenting techniques that we need to focus on. None of us are perfect parents, but all of us have room for improvement. And most of all, our teens need us to be parents, not their friends. They need the structure they detest and the quality family time they roll their eyes at. They need positive reinforcement and consistent consequences. Parenting a teen can be difficult, but if you put your whole self into doing it the best you can, the rewards will make it all worth while.

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How to Talk to Your Parents

2006-11-30T14:09:00.000-08:00

I like to compare teenagers to pups that are about six months old. They are full of energy and playful. They are independent, and have a mind of their own, which often takes them from one activity to another. And they have discovered the joys and pitfalls of hormones. Like pups, they can wonder off into territory that can get them into trouble. Because they haven't experienced much of life yet, they are unhappy when mom comes along, picks them up by the neck and hauls them back home.

You might be asking "How can I deal with my parents when they refuse to treat me according to my age, instead of my shoe size?" The answer is simple. Talk to them...OK, talking isn't always easy but it is effective. "I" statements are the best weapon in almost any confrontation. What are "I" statements you ask? "I" statements are brief statements in which you explain what it is your are feeling, when you feel that way and why you feel that way. The formula is simply this:

I feel _______, when ________, because ________. An example might be: "Mom, I feel really embarrassed when you remind me to do things in front of my friends, because it makes me look like a little kid."

Why use "I" statements? Why bother to express feelings to parents? That is simple too. Parents are living in the dark when it comes to knowing how their teenagers are feeling about things. For the past 12 years, or so, they have formed habits in the way they deal with you. The old ways were helpful when you were a child, but are unproductive now that you are older. Parents just don't know how you feel about things. When they nag you they may have good intentions, but they don't realize how upset it makes you. Parents yell because their level of frustration has caused their rational brain to shut down, and in their panic, they can't think of anything productive to say. Just like you, they may need to relearn how to communicate in a positive way.

Most often, teens do one of two things when they feel frustrated. Either they walk away and hide in their room (or with friends), or they get angry and try to "yell" their feelings at their parents. In the former situation, the parents are still living in ignorance, which means they are not likely to listen to you or change their behavior. In the later situation, the parent becomes defensive and yells back, probably topping it off with grounding or some other consequence. In the end they still don't know how you feel because they weren't able to listen while everyone was yelling.

"I" statements give you power in a conflict. It defuses the parent's anger and forces them to listen to you. They cannot dictate your feelings or take them away from you, and so they listen and (hopefully) try to figure out what they have done wrong or how they should change their behavior in the future.

The secret is to use an I statement whenever you feel anything. Don't wait until the situation is already out of control. Practicing them in casual situations will prepare you to use them naturally in an emotional situation. If your listener isn't able to hear your feelings, or attempts to tell you how to feel, use another "I" statements to tell them how that makes you feel.

"I" statements rarely ever include the word "you". For instance, the following is not an appropriate "I" statement. "I feel like you're trying to make me mad when you tease me because you don't respect me." Arrrggghhh! This is a "you" statement and will only encourage defensiveness and argument from the parent. "I" statements should never be an attempt to attack or blame the parent. They are only a way for you to express your feelings and your needs so that the parent can understand your position. They may not always comply, but at least you have taken control of your life and let them know that you are an independent person with your own thoughts and feelings.

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Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T10:52:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving.

Remember:

not everyone likes the yams...and that's OK.
After the food, kids would rather spend the afternoon with peers, and that's OK.
Teens want pie for their first, second and third course; it's only one meal it won't kill them.
No on really wants to spend half the day in one home and the other half in another; pick a spot and settle in.
Get over yourself and let everyone else relax and enjoy the day.

Tomorrow will be here soon enough, so do what you can to smile and make today the best it can be. Nothing really matters in the long run, except happy memories. Relax, tolerate and enjoy.

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Letting Go, a Parent's Responsibility

2006-11-16T02:53:00.000-08:00

The teen year are difficult at best. Teens crave independence but still need the security of home. It is a time for self discovery and a time to begin choosing a life path. It is a time of turmoil. The teen craves love but will run if mom tries to give a hug. S/he fights getting up in the morning and then fights going to bed at night. They challenge authority but want to be authoritative.

Teenagers are often tormented by their own personal demons and they haven't yet learned that their doubts and anxieties are universal. They feel alone in their pain and even freakish, and yet they lash out at other's who appear out of step. They claim uniqueness while conforming to the trends of their peers. And to make matters worse, their bodies are betraying them; growing into clumsy creatures with intense emotions, pimples and raging hormones. And even though they would never admit it, they need our help.

Our little child who was once easily consoled, now needs parents who are subtle with aid. Parents who jump in with advice or who are quick to criticize will be swiftly tuned out and turned away from.

Parents can help their teen by tolerating their restlessness, respecting their space and understanding their discontent. Hiam Ginott, author of Between Parent & Teenager wrote, "Our response (to our teenager) must differentiate between tolerance and sanction, between acceptance and approval. We tolerate much, but sanction little." In other words, it is important to realize that most of what a teenager is going through is only a temporary inconvenience on their path to adulthood. We need not agree with their ideas or their choices, but we need to tolerate them. Of course there are limits, and that is where sanctions come into play. But we need to keep those sanctions to a minimum, used only when the teen is demonstrating choices poor enough to cause harm to himself or others.

Some rules need to be enforced, but for the most part, we need to tolerate our teens ability to make choices for themselves. At this stage in their life we need to start stepping back and allowing them to use the tools we have given them. They need to be allowed to make mistakes and then enabled to learn from them. Over controlling your teen is like telling them that we don't believe they are capable of making decisions on their own, fostering dependence instead of independence. And independence is the ultimate goal.

Letting go can be a difficult task for a parent, especially with the oldest child, but it is a necessary part of the parenting process and an inevitable part of growing up.

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Discipline In Blended Families

2006-11-09T15:10:00.000-08:00

Trying to make a blended family work in today's society is not impossible, but it can seem so. The divorce rate for first time marriages looms around the %50 mark and for second marriages it is much higher. Add in children from a previous relationship and the divorce rate skyrockets. It isn't a bias, it is the fact. But for those who have decided to beat those odds there are some things that can help you create the family you have always wanted.

One of the first critical rules for maintaing a blended family, especially if the children are over the age of eight or so, is to create a system that allows the biological parent to be the main disciplinarian for that child. You have to be able to get inside that child's mind and realize that they didn't choose the new adult in the home, and when things are emotionally charged, they will not accecpt being told what to do by the new "parent" in their life. In the child's mind this new adult is just an interloper and will soon leave - perhaps like the original parent did. It takes a great deal of time and work to create a relationship that fosters respect and a willingness to be led by a new "parent" in the childn's lfe.

When the step-parent is "the mom" this can be particularly difficult on several levels. Mom's generally don't carry as much power in the child's eyes as does the father. However it may be the mom that is there with the child all day long. So what does a new step-parent do?

Before moving the step parent in with the child it is imperative that the two of you discuss how discipline will be handled. Figure out a way that the home-based parent can keep sanity in the home without being the heavy handed demagogue. Decide on what the consequenses will be for different infarctions and then talk to the child as a united front. That way when the step-parent says "boo" the child knows that it has already been agreed upon by the other parent.

In blended families we have to put ourselves in the mind of the child who's family, and who's fantasy of family, has been ripped apart. They have little or no say in what happens in their family and they begin to feel helpless and can become depressed and or resentful and angry about the changes in their life. Expecting them to accept those changes without emotion is in itself a fantasy on the adult's part. And when emotions flare it is the adults that need to remain level headed and empathetic if the situation, and the family is to grow into something wonderful.

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Wisdom From Teens for Parents

2006-11-08T23:07:00.000-08:00

Out of the mouths of Babes

Early on while into the process of doing my dissertation I got a group of teenage boys together and asked them to be serious, and answer my question as honestly as they could. Not only was the interview great, but it led to another hour of discussion that I had not planned on. These boys aged from 13-17 and were eager and honest when they made these statements. My question was, "what do your parents do to discipline you that just doesn’t work; those things that will not help you reach your full potential as an adult?"

Teen 1

Threatening doesn't work! When my parents threaten me it makes me feel like I'm being put down, like they don't believe I can make good decisions on my own. Then I feel like I can't wait to do whatever it is they don't want me to do. It makes me mad."

"What does work is being positive with me, like when they let me know I've done a good job, or when they reward me for something I've done. Then I feel happy that I have pleased them and I’m anxious to find other ways to please them.

Teen 2

"My parents are very positive with me and that helps a lot. I'm not afraid of being “run-down because they handle things in such a positive way. That works for me."

"What doesn't work is when they ground me. That doesn't teach me anything at all. It just makes me feel resentful and controlled. Teens don't want to feel controlled; they would rather have someone talk to them about what's wrong than have the parent take the easy way out by grounding the kid. Regardless of the grounding rules, we always find ways to talk with friends or even see them as a way to let the parents know that their strategy doesn’t work.

Teen 3

Yea but lectures don't work at all! (general agreement from the group). Especially when the kid is already closed up and doesn't want to hear it. It doesn't get in. When my
parents lecture me I just tune it out and say 'Yea, OK', in all the right places until over. It doesn't resolve the problem. "

"What works best for me is being given realistic consequences that I knew about ahead of time. Not these 'I'm the parent-your the kid' type consequences, but one's that have a link to the problem. That way I can think about why I'm having consequences rather than just get angry about having to do an extra chore or something. When I know the consequence ahead of time I don't get so mad when it all comes down."

Teen 4

"What really works best for me is having my parents talk to me about the problem and both of us trying to resolve it together. It has to be when I'm in the mood to talk though and most of the time my parents try to do that. Sometimes I never want to talk and then it feels stupid at first, but we always seem to resolve the problem or come to a compromise by the end. Knowing that I can say anything I want and not get in trouble for it helps. If we try to talk when we are all mad nothing gets resolved."

Another thing that is effective is when the parent is lenient. I mean, not just letting the kid do whatever he wants all the time, but letting him make his own choices and letting him do things as long as it isn't going to hurt his life permanently. For me this works because it forces me to learn to take responsibility for my self and to experience consequences for my own actions. If a parent is always telling a kid what to do, and when, the kid can't learn how to be responsible for himself."

Teen 5

"Violence is probably the most ineffective type of discipline. Not just hitting and spanking but verbal violence too. When a parent is yelling or threatening to hit a child that just makes the child feel angry and unsafe. It doesn't help him to learn anything." Kids get into trouble because it is the best way they know to get attention from the parents. And get it they do. But if the parents were more interactive with the child all the time, then the child would have no reason to go out of his way to get more attention in a negative way.

The way my parents helped me the most is by being a good example. I sometimes look at my life and realize that I'm a lot like my parents. Those are the times I'm grateful for the example they set for me." I know I will never hit a child or verbally abuse them because that isn’t how my parents taught me.

Teen 6

"My dad is always angry with me. He sort of gets off feeling like he is all powerful and all knowing, like he has all the answers and I am incapable of deciding for myself what my life should be like. It's my life I'm supposed to be living, not his; but he doesn't get it. I think if he would just lighten up and let me be me I would be a lot better off. I don't really want to disappoint my parents but sometimes they just control me so tight that I feel like I have to do something drastic to get out and breathe on my own."

"The thing my parents could do that would be most effective is to stop pretending their super human and let me know how they feel about things like when I am not screwing up. Sometimes I think they 'need' me to 'be good' so the rest of the world doesn't think their bad parents. That's their responsibility, not mine.

Teen 7

I think parents forget that we still need their love and support. Just because we are more independent now and some of us can drive doesn’t meant that we still don’t want an occasional hug or head rub. Even if it feels embarrassing at times, the communication is still felt and I know that they still love me in spite of all my teenage craziness. Sure I want to be accepted by my friends, but I will always have my parents so I really want their approval, even though I would never tell them that.

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The Evolution of Adolescence

2006-10-20T00:21:00.000-07:00

I once had a professor in graduate school that told us that “adolescence is a mental illness, and the only cure is time.” At the time I had a house full of teenagers and I tended to agree with her.

So what is it about being a teen that causes them to be so at odds with the rest of the world? What exactly is adolescence and how can a parent survive until they are in their twenties? That is the focus of this site. Each article will deal with some aspect adolescence and pre-adolescence. My aim is to help parent’s parent their teen effectively, with minimal anxiety; and to offer teens information and hope for getting through all the rough spots that make this time of life so difficult.

So let’s start at the beginning. Adolescence is a modern idea. It is a level of development that was conceived and brought into existence in the late 1800’s. Until that period in history childhood ended when s/he was capable of providing an income (for boys) or procreation (for girls). Essentially when childhood ended adult responsibility took its place, and this may have happened as early as 11 years of age for boys and 13-14 for girls.

Even in the early 20^th century girls in rural areas were often expected to marry as early as 13 and little boys left home to find work. Until this time the idea of living at home, unemployed, and expecting parents to provide for them until they were in their twenties was virtually unheard of, and would have been considered outrageous. And up until the late 20^th century children who had jobs were expected to turn over their earnings to their parent’s to help pay for their keep and to benefit the family. Flipping burgers to pay for a new car or fancier clothes wasn’t even a choice.

So what changed?

The industrial revolution, followed by the age of technology has changed the world forever. And one of the most significant changes is the introduction of the modern teenager. Part of the reason we seem to have little understanding of what makes teens tick is due to the fact that we haven’t had much time to study them. But one thing families and psychologists have discovered is that the role of the modern teen is vastly different than ever before. They are expected to mature emotionally before taking on adult responsibilities, and yet they have jobs, they become sexually active and they “feel” as if they are as mature as their out-dated parents.

Modern civilization has created an 8-10 year stage of life in which the people are sexually and physically mature, but are still being cared for and treated like children. They are clearly not little children, and yet they are also not yet adults. Is it any wonder then that their world is filled with angst and confusion? One day they need a hug and the next they don’t want anything to do with you.

The good news is that it is possible for both you and your teen to come through to the other side happy, healthy and unscathed. And I can help you do just that. Check back often to receive the help and support you are looking for.

If you have specific questions, or topics that you would like me to write about please leave a comment and I will take all suggestions into consideration.

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My teen knows what the consequence will be for bad behavior...
	always
	rarely
	for most things
	never

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